Ok, so McCain's ready to lead on Day 1.
And what if he has a fatal heart attack on Day 2? President Palin?
So much for putting America first.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
SATAN TO SPEAK AT REPUBLICAN CONVENTION
On the heels of announcing its preliminary list of speakers, including such Republican notables as Rudy Giuliani, Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman, the RNC issued a press release stating that Satan will deliver a major address at the upcoming convention. Furthering its stated goal of having the list of speakers “showcase the diversity of the Republican Party,” the latest addition of Lucifer will add that final dimension of pure evil.
The horned one’s speech will lay out the Republican Party platform, which includes: continuing the Iraq war for 100 years, bombing Iran, re-igniting a cold war fear of Russia, plunging the nation further into debt, buggering the Earth until it bleeds oil into the oceans, not fixing McCain’s teeth so that his smile frightens newborn infants back into their mothers’ wombs, fucking the poor and middle class until they’re jobless, homeless, and hopeless, passing a Constitutional amendment defining marriage as something that may only occur between a man and a woman, or a woman and a closeted gay Republican, renaming Gitmo “Motel 666,” and generally continuing the Bush administration’s march toward Armageddon, at which point the righteous will be spirited up to Heaven and Hell will be overrun with Jews buying up all the good real estate and forming their own country clubs. The conclusion of his speech will be marked by the ceremonial red, white, and blue balloons, carried in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with Laura Bush riding side saddle.
The announcement has fueled rumors that the Prince of Darkness is on McCain’s short list of V.P. contenders. However, when reached for comment, a Satanic spokesman put those rumors to rest, stating “the unholy one has no aspirations for the position. Besides, who could top Cheney?” He then added, “The devil has no desire to relocate. Living in hell is scary enough. He’s not ready to move to D.C. “
Thursday, July 24, 2008
MCCAIN CONFIDES TO ANONYMOUS CAMPAIGN SOURCE: "I'M VOTING FOR OBAMA."
According to a campaign source intimately close with the Republican presumptive nominee, John McCain is weary from the many months of campaigning and privately admits that he’d rather just give up and vote for Obama. According to the well-placed source, McCain confided: “I give up. I can’t win this thing. Hell, I can’t keep my facts straight: Sunni from Shia, Iraq/Afghanistan borders, surge stats. It’s all just too much information and I can’t keep trotting out the “never surrender” hackneyed WWII-era bullshit. It’s a smokescreen and no one’s buying it. Besides, I can’t hurt Obama. He’s smart. He’s poised. He’s telegenic. He’s got an annoying command of the facts and a charisma I can’t touch. It’s Nixon/Kennedy all over again. I can’t nail him on flag pins. Inexperience. Can’t attach myself to the Bush record. Shit, only Charles Manson has a lower approval rating. I could pick Jindal as my Veep but that’d just look like I’m trying to pander. They’ve got an ethnic guy; I’ll get an ethnic guy. Besides, it’ll piss the hell out of the hicks. The Christians think I’m too liberal. I’m too old for the kids with their fancy internet. I’m too addled for the policy wonks and not pretty enough for the women. My hair’s gone, My teeth look like the Rocky Mountains made out of corn kernels. How the hell am I supposed to compete with Obama? Face it, the guy’s handsome. Got a smile that lights up a room and eyes that sparkle. Even the boys at Fox can’t bring him down with all that Hussein/Osama/Obama nonsense. And that twit poser Katie Couric couldn’t even throw him with the “surge is working” shit. CBS anchor, my ass. She should be hosting a cooking show. I can’t bring up race. Gays. Nobody cares about the Hanoi Hilton shit anymore. I’ve flip flopped positions so much the whole ‘straight talk’ thing is a joke. Frankly, I don’t even know whose ass to kiss. Nobody loves me but my lobbyists, a bunch of old Jews in Florida, some armadillos in Arizona, and my mother. And, frankly, she could be jiving me, too. I can’t read off that prompter and deliver these scripted lines with fake passion and then force out a craggy smile. Every time I do it, it makes the babies cry. I’m sick of calling these crowds “my friends.” They’re not my friends. That’s just some handler’s idea to try to make me look folksy. Obama’s got the media dripping all over his every word up and down the Middle East while I’m trying to whip up support from a bunch of sub-educated, minimum wage shitkickers at a town hall meeting. It’s like a pep rally for retards. Screw it. He’s too good. Hell, even I’m going to vote for him. But now, I’m tired. I’m cranky. I need a nap. So, fetch me my comfy slippers, you c**t and make me a tuna sandwich. And this time cut the crusts off or I’ll slap the spackle right off your face.”
When asked to respond, a McCain spokesperson refused to comment on the quote, other than to say it was an obvious fabrication, as something like this couldn’t possibly have come from any source inside the campaign.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
SCREW THE EVANGELICAL VOTE!
Would someone who knows someone at CNN please pass on a request that they cease and desist from treating anything James Dobson says as news? This intellectual shitkicker may have puffed himself up enough to think he’s got enough moral highground to evaluate the authenticity of the candidates, but does CNN have to back up his bullshit by putting him on the air? Falwell may have gone and built himself a voting block once, but Falwell’s dead. And frankly he can take his flock with him. Let McCain lick the barbecue sauce off the jowls of the Robertsons, Hagees and Dobsons of the world, as he flip flops from calling them agents of intolerance to angels of support. In the best of all possible worlds, candidates and news organizations wouldn’t pander to the dumb vote. The moron vote. The ignorant vote. Instead they would say: screw ‘em.
Screw soliciting the opinions of anyone whose sense of values stems from the learnin’ they got at an institution as inherently oxymoronic as Bible College. Screw the literal-minded clods and their comically transparent efforts to wedge a pseudo science, whether it’s called Creationism or Intelligent Design into a school curriculum. Screw those whose brains have been washed from birth with notions of the Bible as history instead of metaphor and poetry, and who therefore can’t cipher their way to even the most simple of conclusions that if religion is to have any meaning at all, it must be grounded in compassion. Not intolerance. In knowledge. Not superstition. In morality. Not moralizing. In wisdom, not willful ignorance and blind obedience. Anyone… regardless of whether they call themselves Pastor or Reverend, and no matter how many million suckers are in their TV ministry… anyone who actually advances the notion that God wants you to vote Republican to protect the country against the abortionists and homosexuals should not be advising the electorate or counseling presidents. They should be strapped to a gurney in a sanitarium with a Lithium I.V.
How did this country become so colossally retarded? Sure, there will always be the lunatic fringe. The snake handlers and revival tent hucksters. But they belong on the fringe. Not playing host to presidential candidates. Or advising politicians. Or on CNN making any comment whatsoever that has to do with public policy. Unfortunately, that’s not our political reality. It’s clear Obama is reaching out for the evangelicals with words like values, and faith and family stitched into his latest speech. That’s fine. A vote’s a vote. And it should be obvious to anyone with ears that Obama is a moral man, which is why he may get many of those votes. But it’s not up to cartoon characters like James Dobson to evaluate the sincerity of his message. Nor is it the place of a news organization to stick him on TV as an authority, simply because morons listen to what he says.
Friday, June 13, 2008
ASS CLOWN OF THE WEEK
WHAT, WAS "FIRST HO" TOO ROUGH?
UPDATE: Politico Reports that
Fox addresses baby mama drama: Producer used "poor judgment"
Since Salon's Alex Koppelman caught Fox News characterizing Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama," there's been an uproar over use of such an offensive term.
"A producer on the program exercised poor judgment in using this chyron during the segment," said Fox's Senior Vice President of Programming Bill Shine, in a statement to Politico.
NO, "POOR JUDGMENT" IS ORDERING RED WINE WITH FISH. THIS IS SIMPLY MORE RACIST BULLSHIT FROM FUCKED NEWS. I GUESS THE TERRORIST FIST BUMP JUST DIDN'T LAND SO THEY NEED TO LOWER THE BAR A BIT FURTHER. WE ARE NOW OFF TO THE SWIFT BOAT RACES.
----
ORIGINAL REPORT:
As if implicating her as one half of a "terrorist...
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Share (Email, IM)Saturday, June 7, 2008
ASS CLOWN OF THE WEEK -- TOM DELAY
Tom DeLay: 'Unless Obama Proves Me Wrong, He's A Marxist'
Former House Republican Leader Tom DeLay (Texas) called Barack Obama a "Marxist" on the Mike Gallagher radio show Thursday.
Explaining that Obama clinching the Democratic nomination is a good thing for John McCain, DeLay said Obama's "weakness" is that "nobody knows him."
"And if McCain does not define him as what he is -- hey, I have said publicly, and I will again, that unless he proves me wrong, he is a Marxist," DeLay said.
Friday, June 6, 2008
TO THE HILLARY SUPPORTERS WHO CLAIM THEY'LL VOTE FOR MCCAIN: GET OVER YOURSELVES.
Ok, so the great female hope flew high for a while, but then fell back to Earth. She got smacked down by the electoral process, not the glass ceiling. Still, are you so spurned that the voters broke up with her that you’re ready to put on your sluttiest dress, head to some Republican dive bar, and revenge-fuck the oldest, meanest, pastiest, craggy-tooth stranger you can find? Are you really ready to sleep with John McCain just to make the world pay for dumping your best girlfriend?
If you expect people to believe your support for Hillary was based on a passionate belief that she could heal the wounds inflicted on the world by 8 years of Bushco, you must know that any substantial differences between Hillary and Obama pale in comparison to those between Obama and McCain.
I am an Obama supporter. If he isn’t the most intelligent, inspiring, compassionate politician to hit the public highway in years, he’s doing the greatest impression of one I’ve ever seen. But if he had lost, I would’ve supported Hillary in a heartbeat. Milestones aside, this election isn’t about gender or race. It’s about triage. The country is bleeding. Do you really want to refuse help because you don’t like the sex of the paramedic?
I know it hurts to have your heart broken, but consider this:
Somewhere in the country is a 17-year-old girl who will graduate high school and enter the military as her only solid option. If she gets sent to Iraq and killed, what would you say to her mother?
Or maybe she has a younger sister who just started dating and will get pregnant in 3 years. Will she still have the right to an abortion?
Or maybe her mother is a single mom who saved for years to buy a home but is about to lose it to foreclosure.
Or maybe her aunt will get diagnosed with breast cancer and lose her health insurance.
Why not put the slutty dress back in the closet and nurse your pain some other way? Don’t take it out on the world. How would you feel waking up in bed with John McCain, sad and hungover, and walking back home to a country in ruin. That would truly be the walk of shame.
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The Hill | June 6, 2008 11:27 AM