BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY ANYTHING

BREAKING NEWS: DERANGED OLD MAN LOOSE IN ST. PAUL ARENA!

Dressed in an ill-fitting suit, sporting craggy yellow teeth and pale skin, obviously from a lack of proper hygiene and exposure to the sun, a seemingly delirious old man staggered out in front of a large crowd at a local arena and began ranting about the state of the country and the world. The obviously confused senior unleashed a torrent of harsh attacks against some imaginary foe, frightening several children as well as a nearby pregnant teenager.

 

Onlookers speculate the old man had possibly gone out for a stroll and forgotten where he lived, most likely some nearby assisted living facility. Traditionally, this is the kind of thing one sees on the streets of major cities, given the amount of old age homes that have been closed due to government cutbacks.

 

The erratic behavior continued for about 45 minutes in front of an amused Caucasian crowd too nervous to subdue him. At times, they even encouraged him with spontaneous bursts of applause, which seemed to mollify the old gentleman, as he broke out in a eerie,  self-satisfied grin. Finally, several younger women came along who seemed to know him, one possibly a relative of some kind and the other most likely his nurse or health care professional, judging from her bookish demeanor and dark glasses. The women both flashed big, friendly smiles and waved to the crowd. The old man followed their lead and waved, at which point the crowd cheered and he was eventually lead away. One hopes by this time he’s safely back at his home, or the home, enjoying a spirited game of checkers and a nice cup of tea to wash down his Lithium. 

DEAR AMERICA: FAT, DRUNK AND STUPID IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.

America, how badly do you have to be lied to and abused by the Republican Party before you finally realize they don’t give a shit about you? They’re about money and power – everything you’re not.

And elections are about holding on to power so they can make more money and they will run whatever angry son-of-a bitch, along with whatever crook or pleasant-looking incompetent they can dig up, as long as it plays to the middle class fears of the day, whether it’s higher taxes, ethnic people streaming over the border, or gay people moving next door.

Their elections are misdirections. Fear and bigotry under a waving flag. And, all too often, you buy the bullshit and the spin. And, more often than not, we all live to regret it. You don’t think so? How’d the last 8 years work out for you? An incompetent at the helm of a faltering economy, higher unemployment, a staggering national debt, a mortgage crisis, Enron, Katrina, the Justice department scandal, the Abramoff scandal, the Valerie Plame scandal. And a trillion-dollar trumped up war, thousands of Americans dead. Many thousands wounded. Millions of Iraqis dead and/or displaced. A country in ruin. All based on lies, and deceit.  But they’ve smartened up from the lessons of Vietnam. They’ve learned not to show the caskets coming home on the evening news. Because that would upset you.

            And yet, despite the abuse of the last 8 years, your response is: “Thank you, sir, may I have another!?” Are you really so blind that you can’t see that McCain, the shake-up-the-government maverick is engulfed by lobbyists and has now successfully sucked up to the fanatical right by picking Marian the Alaskan Librarian, his very own agent of intolerance, the female Quayle, as his running mate, who could theoretically be one malfunctioning defibrillator away from the most powerful job on Earth? Can you really look at this person, this snarky, petty bureaucrat, and feel that she is the most capable Vice Presidential running mate he could find? Man or woman? Are you really that pleased with the notion of her sitting behind that desk in the oval office? Pick your hero: Eisenhower, Reagan… Palin?? Are you that dim that you can’t see that this is no more than a stunt to win an election? (And who cares about the teenage daughter? Mom wants to make abstinence only work in the country. Hell, she couldn’t even make it work in her own house.)

These people have made their careers off the fact that you can be convinced that the party of wealth and privilege is manned by just plain folks who are on your side. Really? How many corporate CEOs live in your neighborhood? Still, some multi-millionaire frat boy or crusty war vet with rolled up sleeves sucks down a beer and a hot dog at the country fair and you gobble up their sincerity like a happy meal. And, all the while, the Karl Roves of the world laugh at your gullibility. Your malleability. Your inability to separate fact from propaganda, which you are fed by an army of media goons: O’Reilly. Hannity. Limbaugh. Savage. Malkin. Medved. Drudge. Dobbs. Beck. Novak. Hate mongering hiding in the Trojan horse of journalism and free speech. They have crafted an intellectual Disneyland with slogans disguised as thoughts. (“The surge has worked!” Just say it over and over and they’ll believe it.)

Meanwhile, like entertaining a puppy with a ball, they keep you occupied with phony passion over fake issues, to the point that you’ve become suspicious of intelligence. That you mistake compassion for weakness. Thoughtfulness for indecisiveness. Where electing a President isn’t about judging a candidate’s vision and intelligence. Now it’s just a Jesus litmus test with a sidebar of flagpins. But that’s ok. As long as the gays don’t marry.

For once: be smart. Look at them for who they are. Rich, powerful people whose only motivation is money and power. And they will screw the poor and the middle class four ways from Sunday to get it. And keep it.  

UNCLE POTUS

He can power a light bulb by sticking it in his mouth, thus demonstrating his energy policy. Her husband's a fisherman; Jesus was a fisherman, so that's all they need to say about that. Luckily, when the phone rings at 3 am, she’ll be up breastfeeding so they won’t have to wake her to take the call. She doesn’t really know what the VP does, so she’ll be open to new ideas…other than evolution. And the bulk of her political experience has been governing salmon.

 

John McCain: a man with his finger on the corpse of America.

 

SARAH PALIN: ONE IRREGULAR HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE PRESIDENCY.

Ok, so McCain's ready to lead on Day 1. 

And what if he has a fatal heart attack on Day 2? President Palin? 

So much for putting America first. 

SATAN TO SPEAK AT REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

On the heels of announcing its preliminary list of speakers, including such Republican notables as Rudy Giuliani, Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman, the RNC issued a press release stating that Satan will deliver a major address at the upcoming convention. Furthering its stated goal of having the list of speakers  “showcase the diversity of the Republican Party,” the latest addition of Lucifer will add that final dimension of pure evil.

The horned one’s speech will lay out the Republican Party platform, which includes: continuing the Iraq war for 100 years, bombing Iran, re-igniting a cold war fear of Russia, plunging the nation further into debt, buggering the Earth until it bleeds oil into the oceans, not fixing McCain’s teeth so that his smile frightens newborn infants back into their mothers’ wombs, fucking the poor and middle class until they’re jobless, homeless, and hopeless, passing a Constitutional amendment defining marriage as something that may only occur between a man and a woman, or a woman and a closeted gay Republican, renaming Gitmo “Motel 666,” and generally continuing the Bush administration’s march toward Armageddon, at which point the righteous will be spirited up to Heaven and Hell will be overrun with Jews buying up all the good real estate and forming their own country clubs. The conclusion of his speech will be marked by the ceremonial red, white, and blue balloons, carried in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with Laura Bush riding side saddle.     

The announcement has fueled rumors that the Prince of Darkness is on McCain’s short list of V.P. contenders. However, when reached for comment, a Satanic spokesman put those rumors to rest, stating “the unholy one has no aspirations for the position. Besides, who could top Cheney?” He then added, “The devil has no desire to relocate. Living in hell is scary enough. He’s not ready to move to D.C. “

MCCAIN CONFIDES TO ANONYMOUS CAMPAIGN SOURCE: "I'M VOTING FOR OBAMA."

According to a campaign source intimately close with the Republican presumptive nominee, John McCain is weary from the many months of campaigning and privately admits that he’d rather just give up and vote for Obama. According to the well-placed source, McCain confided: “I give up. I can’t win this thing. Hell, I can’t keep my facts straight: Sunni from Shia, Iraq/Afghanistan borders, surge stats. It’s all just too much information and I can’t keep trotting out the “never surrender” hackneyed WWII-era bullshit. It’s a smokescreen and no one’s buying it. Besides, I can’t hurt Obama. He’s smart. He’s poised. He’s telegenic. He’s got an annoying command of the facts and a charisma I can’t touch. It’s Nixon/Kennedy all over again. I can’t nail him on flag pins. Inexperience. Can’t attach myself to the Bush record. Shit, only Charles Manson has a lower approval rating. I could pick Jindal as my Veep but that’d just look like I’m trying to pander. They’ve got an ethnic guy; I’ll get an ethnic guy. Besides, it’ll piss the hell out of the hicks. The Christians think I’m too liberal. I’m too old for the kids with their fancy internet. I’m too addled for the policy wonks and not pretty enough for the women. My hair’s gone, My teeth look like the Rocky Mountains made out of corn kernels. How the hell am I supposed to compete with Obama? Face it, the guy’s handsome. Got a smile that lights up a room and eyes that sparkle. Even the boys at Fox can’t bring him down with all that Hussein/Osama/Obama nonsense. And that twit poser Katie Couric couldn’t even throw him with the “surge is working” shit. CBS anchor, my ass. She should be hosting a cooking show. I can’t bring up race. Gays. Nobody cares about the Hanoi Hilton shit anymore. I’ve flip flopped positions so much the whole ‘straight talk’ thing is a joke. Frankly, I don’t even know whose ass to kiss. Nobody loves me but my lobbyists, a bunch of old Jews in Florida, some armadillos in Arizona, and my mother. And, frankly, she could be jiving me, too.  I can’t read off that prompter and deliver these scripted lines with fake passion and then force out a craggy smile. Every time I do it, it makes the babies cry. I’m sick of calling these crowds “my friends.” They’re not my friends. That’s just some handler’s idea to try to make me look folksy. Obama’s got the media dripping all over his every word up and down the Middle East while I’m trying to whip up support from a bunch of sub-educated, minimum wage shitkickers at a town hall meeting. It’s like a pep rally for retards. Screw it. He’s too good. Hell, even I’m going to vote for him. But now, I’m tired. I’m cranky. I need a nap. So, fetch me my comfy slippers, you c**t and make me a tuna sandwich. And this time cut the crusts off or I’ll slap the spackle right off your face.”

When asked to respond, a McCain spokesperson refused to comment on the quote, other than to say it was an obvious fabrication, as something like this couldn’t possibly have come from any source inside the campaign.