Trigonometry #4: The Palindrone Strikes a Blow for Dessert!

Just when I think my mother the cash cow can't stoop any lower, she gets down on all fours and finds a way. Bad enough she lugs me around on that dumbshit reality show while she plays Annie Oakley, slaughtering defenseless woodland creatures. Man, what I wouldn't give to see that moose grab a tree branch and beat that fucking smile off her smug, pancaked face. Now she's gotta take a cheap political shot at the first lady over fucking s'mores!? S'mores?! This from a woman who puts the Ho in Hostess Twinkie. Guess you have to expect that from someone who's too fucking retarded to understand the intricacies of domestic policy. But, food. Yeah, that she gets. Fat = freedom! Just like the founding fathers wanted. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, and lard. Just 'cause the first lady happened to notice that our national symbol is about to go from the bald eagle to the Flying Fat-Ass  'cause most of the country thinks gravy is a food group and that maybe it'd be a good idea to educate the seemingly uneducable about nutrition so that their asses don't look like the back of a fucking semi. Shit, have you looked at some of the fat bastards in this country. They don't need pockets on the backs of their jeans, they need mudflaps. Even country clod, good-ol' boy, and former fat kid Preacher/Governor Huck dissed her. There's an early shot for 2012. Take that, bitch! But leave it to her to tear down anything remotely intelligent. Just playing to her aptly named base. But, what do you expect, when a recent survey showed 78% of the American people doubt evolution. Maybe it's 'cause Sister Sarah loves to namedrop her precious God. 'Cause if God is everywhere, then he's the fattest fuck in the cosmos. So pork up, America. Shovel them pancakes down your gullet. It's your Christian duty.

Dammit, I'm mad.

Peace out.
Trig

Hayley Barbour Holds Press Conference to Clarify His Views on Segregation.

Trigonometry #3: Palin in the Time of Cholera

Bitch won't take me to Disneyland, but she's got time to pal around with Billy Graham's retarded kid on a humanitarian mission to Haiti? Yeah. Dumbshit couldn't find Haiti on a map of Hispaniola. And who does she drag along? Fox News/Scientology ho Greta Van Susteren. 'Cause everybody knows when you're walking across the water to save souls, you take a long a news crew. Can you say "bullshit campaign stunt"? The great white healer comes out of the sky to save the stricken brown people with calls for military airlifts. I don't know, just handing out food and medical supplies to people who haven't worked for it? Sounds a little socialist to me. After all, according to that dick with ears Pat Robertson, God sent that earthquake to Haiti so He obviously meant for this to happen. God doesn't like Voodoo. Or French. It's the language of the devil. As opposed to that twangy patois that frames the milky discharge that oozes out of the mouth of the Great White dipshit herself. Man, I hope and pray Jesus does come back just so I can watch him pimp slap the living shit out of her. Right before he hits D.C. to take out every fat bastard Republican who thinks it's dissing Christmas to stick around to ratify a treaty that stops people from nukin' other people. Who fucking elects these people? How fucking dumb is this country? Is there something in grits that kills brain cells? God save us from these fat, hypocritical fucks. Makes me wanna holla.  Hey, John McCain. The Senate lost and found called. They have your soul.

Peace out.
Trig

TRIGONOMETRY #2 -- "Warning, America! Soylent Palin is Running!!"

America, beware! The crazy bitch is off and running. It's Sarah 2012. Book tour, my ass! She didn't write the book. Fuck, she didn't even read the book. But she's in Iowa promotin' it. Sure. Now she's traveling overseas. Haiti? Watch her pick up little Haitian babies as she puts on her best "I care" face while passing out Neiman's gift cards to the masses. England? Uh huh. She had her assistant buy a copy of Rosetta Stone English so she can speak to Margaret Thatcher in her native tongue. And Israel. This isn't foreign policy. She's shopping for a vacation home in advance of the Apocalypse. Crazy megalomaniacal bitch thinks even God is horny for her.

And the media! The fucking media with their "is she or isn't she running" bullshit stories. Fucking hypocrites. If she looked like Susan Boyle they wouldn't even take a dump on her. But, day after day that fucking mug is all over the tube. Here's some breaking news for you, you alleged journalists! And you can take it to the fucking bank! She's running! Sittin' down with Barbara Walters? Took her two years to come up with an answer to "what do you read"? C.S. Lewis? Newsmax? Atrophied minds want to know. Trust me, this psycho cooz doesn't read books. She can't read a stop sign without moving her lips. And the husband, who she refers to as "my bitch," thinks she's qualified to be president. Who saw that coming? I wonder if Ted Nugent will endorse her. And her fucking twitters. She spews her bullshit to some toady who crowbars it into Palinglish and pukes it onto her Blackberry.

Wake up, America! She's dumb. She's dangerous. And she's coming your way in 2012! The whole gang of retards is coming your way: The 70s porn star husband. The dancing queen Miss Piggy unwed teenage mother. The unwed-mother-in-training other daughter. And her crew of enablers, apologists, explainers, hairstylists, fashion stylists, economic advisors, policy advisors, PR and image consultants, debate prep team, personal assistants... and me. Like I'm a fuckin' movie prop. Carting my ass around like we're fucking Siamese twins when she's on the stump, then drop-kicking me to some toady the second she's off stage. And here's the scariest part: she knows she's full of shit. She knows how ignorant she is. And it's not stopping her. Think about it. She knows she's incompetent but it's not stopping her. But we can. Write the book, Levi! Write the fuckin' book!

En garde, America! She's got you in her sights. You saw what happened to the moose! Hey, Julian Assange! I know shit! Call me!

Peace out.
Trig.

TRIGONOMETRY. A JOURNAL OF MY LIFE WITH SARAH.

"There was this movie in the 70s called Johnny Got His Gun, based on a famous book by a blacklisted screenwriter. It was about this soldier who gets shot, and he's lying on the operating table, completely lucid, but paralyzed, unable to move, unable to talk, unable to scream. I know how he felt. Talk about being fucking paralyzed. Look at me!! But you know what? I envy the bastard. At least he could suffer in private instead of being carted around like some movie prop in the arms of some crazy bitch while she shrieks at a bunch of fat, dumb rubes who wouldn't recognize an original thought if it got shot up their asses on the tip of a lightning bolt. I mean, do you hear the stupid shit that comes out of this hosebag's mouth!? She thinks she's the living incarnation of fucking Jesus, Mother Mary, Joan of Arc, and Ronald Reagan, and I have to just hang there with a load in my pants, like a fucking idiot, looking like I endorse this shit! And now I'm stuck in some reality show, being carted off to some wilderness while she pretends she's Nanookie of the Fucking North. And not only am I not being paid, but the second the cameras are off, she hands me off to the moron husband, who hands me off to some assistant who he's probably bangin' when she's on the road. But, hey, why not? She's got him by the balls so he plays his part 'cause she's bringing in the cash. We're all stuck in this carnival sideshow and she's working it from every angle. "Mama Grizzlies," my ass. Only contact she's had with a wild animal, other than shooting it from a helicopter, is when she makes Todd dress up in the bear suit during their "special alone time." Like they think I don't hear her ridin' his ass from the next room. Tell you one thing: I get a little older and she wants me to perform, she's gonna have to diddle my prick, too. Sarah Palin's Alaska. Shit. And they call me retarded. This show is retarded! This life is retarded! This whole country is retarded!!

(Thank you. That was borrowed from Al Pacino's rant in And Justice For All. It's my audition monologue for the Special Needs Players. Gotta do something to bust out of this crazy life. Got any suggestions? I'm all ears.)

T.P. From the road. Peace out. 

Bill O’Reilly Said Something Interesting

On the season finale of Real Time with Bill Maher, Bill O’Reilly said something interesting. No, really. Toward the end of their discussion about the Bush tax cuts and whether the wealthy could withstand the potential 3% bump, O’Reilly responded: “the philosophy is that income redistribution isn’t in the Constitution. It wasn’t how the country was set up. This is a capitalistic society.” That comment nagged at me for a while until I figured out why: it’s wrong. I’m not trying to take shots at O’Reilly. Granted, he’s made some onerous comments in the past, but compared to the gaggle of dimwitted cheerleaders and special needs adults that is Murdochia, O’Reilly is Socrates. But, in this case, he was wrong. And it’s a wrongness that cuts to the heart of many of our differences in this country, and some of the animosity that has infected the political process.

Here’s the wrong part: We don’t “live in a capitalistic society.” We work in a capitalist system. We live in a democratic society. And just to make sure, I checked what the Preamble to the Constitution had to say about capitalism, as I seemed to remember it being more of a statement of basic human rights than an economic manifesto:

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

Then I checked the history of capitalism:

“… the American economy became predominantly capitalist only by 1900. The earlier years fall into three periods. The first, from 1600 to 1790, is characterized by handicraft-subsistence production alongside elements of a semi-capitalist economy stemming from commercial production of tobacco. The most commercialized sectors of the economy were predominantly staffed by enslaved and semi-enslaved workers. During the second period, 1790-1865, several industries became organized along capitalist lines and some sectors of agriculture lost their subsistence character until by the period's end agriculture as a whole was producing for the market. A working class of free and unfree elements is then growing rapidly. In the third period, 1865-1920, economic development attains an extraordinary pace as industry and, increasingly, agriculture becomes subject to capitalist forces...”

So, no capitalism, as such, around the time of the Constitution. Just a “semi-capitalist economy” stemming from tobacco production “staffed by enslaved and semi-enslaved workers” neither of which I’d be too eager to brag about. Not that I’m knocking capitalism. I’m not even cynical about it, to the point of paraphrasing Churchill’s line about democracy being “the worst form of government, except for all the rest.” Abuses aside, capitalism works because it values the individual human spirit and allows us to use our talents, take risks, work hard, and reap the benefits of that hard work. That’s why communism imploded. You can’t stifle that spirit. When you try, people tend to rebel, and you eventually find yourself in need of a totalitarian regime to keep them in check. Not exactly the dictatorship of the proletariat. More like the dictatorship of the dictatorship.

In a capitalist system, we’re free to pursue individual goals and chase material wealth. But while that tends to be our definition of success and the good life, individual achievement is not the whole of our existence. Seen with a narrow focus, we work for ourselves. But from a broader point of view, we ultimately work for each other. Take the richest person you can think of. No matter how much money they have, they still need people to work for them. Someone’s got to build the mansions, cut the lawns, fly the private planes, drive the limos, cook the meals, cut the grass, do the taxes… We’re not rocks or islands. Even the richest among us needs other people.

When Bernie Madoff was sent to prison, a part of me wanted to let him stay in his Manhattan apartment, and keep all his money. But with an agreement among the rest of us that no one will work for him. No one sends electricity to his apartment, cooks his meals, sells him food, drives his cars, flies his planes. It would have been interesting to see the ultimate worthlessness of the money he stole if no one would accept any of it. He would’ve starved to death, lousy with cash. Desperate to stay alive, maybe he would’ve tried to eat it.

Which brings me back to O’Reilly’s wrongness as it pertains to the current political situation, as Republicans in the new Congress savor their recent victories and, with blood surging to their extremities, prepare to cut the deficit by going after the so-called entitlement programs – Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid -- all part of an overall attempt to turn the Obama administration into Welcome Back Carter. But their zeal seems to go beyond trimming money from these programs to the illegitimacy of the programs themselves. Their rhetoric is laced with references to what is American and Constitutional. Even the word “entitlement” is said with a derogatory sneer, revealing that they see these programs as government handouts for the weak and lazy, as opposed to programs designed to protect the least fortunate among us, or take care of people when they get old and sick.

For people who tend to be skeptical about evolution, many Republicans seem to have no problem with economic evolution -- survival of the wealthiest. But what is Constitutional, American, even Christian if you roll that way, is compassion and concern for the least fortunate among us. An acknowledgement that our value as individuals isn’t based on our success as wage-earners. No one’s talking about private jets for everyone. How about just making sure that people have the basics of life: food, shelter, education, health care? Things most people would agree fall under the heading of “the general welfare.”

For all the recent squawking about “our freedoms,” many Americans don’t seem to get the relationship between freedom and responsibility. We think that freedom means you do whatever the hell you want, make as much as you want, and no one can stop you. And to an extent, it does. But in a larger sense it refers to our common human value and responsibility to each other. It’s not income redistribution to acknowledge that responsibility. It’s “we, the people…” Not “we, the rich,” “we, the privileged,” or “we, the presently employed.” “We, the people.” All of us. When considering the value of an individual, and what they’re entitled to, our democratic society should trump our capitalist system. It doesn’t always. But it should. 

Examiner.com interview on Deconstructing God

http://www.examiner.com/books-in-los-angeles/deconstructing-god-an-interview-with-author-ian-gurvitz