Some people think the truth is simply what’s true. It’s not. Truth is relative. The only way to tell if something is true is to stand it next to a lie. It’s a comparison thing. You gotta have the lies to find the real truth, so keeping the lies out of the public debate stops the open exchange of ideas, which is what this country was based on. Besides, the truth has been around a long, long time. It gets stale. If we restrict our thinking to just about what’s true, we get stuck in our ways.
Old truths worked for old problems. But we’ve got new problems. And we can’t have a new approach to a new problem if we keep relying on the same old truths. If I’d listened to the truth, believed the truth, acted based on the truth, do you think this great country, and the world, would be where it is today? I sincerely doubt it. Which is why when someone comes along sayin’ that I’m ignoring the truth, I say “damn right.” But ignoring the truth is not easy. Some people say you’re supposed to have an open mind. I say “no.” Having an open mind means that just any old thing can get in. A mind is like a bank vault; it only works when it’s closed. If it were open, evil doers could just walk in and take all the money. Then what happens to our great country when all the money gets into the hands of a few thieves? I think we all know the answer to that question.
You see, when you look at it a certain way, free speech is Un-American. In our capitalist economy, things that are free aren’t worth anything. Who’d pay for something if they gave it away free? Free speech ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Thoughts and opinions that have been bought and paid for – now that’s worth something. So I call on all Americans, in the interest of protecting our democracy, to put aside free speech. Resist what anyone else claims to be the truth. Disregard the facts in front of your eyes. Pay no mind to the lessons of history.
Ignoring the truth shall set us free.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
THE MAKING OF THE CANDIDATE -- 2012
The current GOP presidential field is flailing, trying desperately to find some traction, like a cartoon character trying to run on the ice. It seems not one of them can pick up any momentum, or strike an actual chord with the voters. Not Mitt, that haircut in search of a personality; nor Rudy, full-time tough guy, part-time de-nutted husband, and occasional drag queen who’s traveling the world picking his teeth with the bones of 9/11 victims; or even John McCain, who’s racing around the primary states after doing a Pimp My Bus job on the Straight Talk Express dubbing it “No Surrender.” I particularly like the “Ich Bein Ein YOUR STATE HERE” bumper sticker, though for some reason the bus keeps running out of gas, and the GPS won’t work so it just meanders aimlessly through the countryside, much like grandpa when he goes out for a walk.
It certainly seems that, barring Democratic implosion, GOP electoral college gerrymandering, a mystery candidate crawling out of the woods who hasn’t been accused of licit or illicit gay sex, or an Executive coup (“the world situation has become too volatile to allow for the orderly transfer of power…”) there will be a Democrat in the White House in 2009. However, this won’t stop the GOP machine. If it’s Hillary, the “get Clinton” forces will begin swift-boating their alleged hearts out, but that will only be Stage One of a more nefarious plot. One that has already kicked into high gear.
Deep in the heart of the Virginia suburbs, just a country walk from CIA headquarters, in the bowels of the clubhouse of a restricted country club, (where the 3rd hole is this deceptive little par 4), and guarded by an elite private security force, is a double secret Republican (yet, somehow, Federally funded) laboratory where the goal is nothing less than building a Republican presidential candidate for the 2012 election. A GOP cyborg, who will roar onto the national scene, taking advantage of the impression of a limp, Carter-esque, one-term Democratic presidency to catapult itself back into power… and remain there. Ad nauseum and beyond.
But what would it take at this point to fashion such a candidate? GOP scientists have already begun identifying those key components:
The actor-y, heterosexual good looks and overall likeability of Ronald Reagan.
The war record of Dwight Eisenhower, (with a touch of Bush 1 fighter pilot credibility).
The single-minded lust for power, and complete absence of morals of Richard Nixon.
The folksy everyman-ness and unquestionable marital fidelity of Gerry Ford.
The shock and awe-shucksiness, perceived religiosity, straightfaced lie-ability, and ultimate vacuity and malleability of Bush II.
Once these key components are isolated, they will be distilled into a goo, dumped in a vat, whipped into a fine liquid, then poured into a stately 6-foot frame, adorned with a full head of wavy hair and twilight’s last gleaming white teeth, glazed over with the powerful two-dimensionality of Mitt Romney, and then buffed to a high sheen.
Actually, we have already seen one of the prototypes: The Fred Thompson 1, though it will soon be recalled, having failed even the most preliminary field tests for perceived sincerity and intelligence. Yet, this was just a prototype and simply means there is much work to be done, as scientists continue working to distill only those choice elements from various Republicans to build an invincible Uber-Republican who will capture the hearts and minds of all Americans by the strength of his intelligence, his faith, and his character. Or by force if necessary.
Scientists realize this will be a long process. But the goal is an important one, that of re-capturing the White House and restoring it to its former glory. They know it will take much work, but it’s worth it. After all, Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.
It certainly seems that, barring Democratic implosion, GOP electoral college gerrymandering, a mystery candidate crawling out of the woods who hasn’t been accused of licit or illicit gay sex, or an Executive coup (“the world situation has become too volatile to allow for the orderly transfer of power…”) there will be a Democrat in the White House in 2009. However, this won’t stop the GOP machine. If it’s Hillary, the “get Clinton” forces will begin swift-boating their alleged hearts out, but that will only be Stage One of a more nefarious plot. One that has already kicked into high gear.
Deep in the heart of the Virginia suburbs, just a country walk from CIA headquarters, in the bowels of the clubhouse of a restricted country club, (where the 3rd hole is this deceptive little par 4), and guarded by an elite private security force, is a double secret Republican (yet, somehow, Federally funded) laboratory where the goal is nothing less than building a Republican presidential candidate for the 2012 election. A GOP cyborg, who will roar onto the national scene, taking advantage of the impression of a limp, Carter-esque, one-term Democratic presidency to catapult itself back into power… and remain there. Ad nauseum and beyond.
But what would it take at this point to fashion such a candidate? GOP scientists have already begun identifying those key components:
The actor-y, heterosexual good looks and overall likeability of Ronald Reagan.
The war record of Dwight Eisenhower, (with a touch of Bush 1 fighter pilot credibility).
The single-minded lust for power, and complete absence of morals of Richard Nixon.
The folksy everyman-ness and unquestionable marital fidelity of Gerry Ford.
The shock and awe-shucksiness, perceived religiosity, straightfaced lie-ability, and ultimate vacuity and malleability of Bush II.
Once these key components are isolated, they will be distilled into a goo, dumped in a vat, whipped into a fine liquid, then poured into a stately 6-foot frame, adorned with a full head of wavy hair and twilight’s last gleaming white teeth, glazed over with the powerful two-dimensionality of Mitt Romney, and then buffed to a high sheen.
Actually, we have already seen one of the prototypes: The Fred Thompson 1, though it will soon be recalled, having failed even the most preliminary field tests for perceived sincerity and intelligence. Yet, this was just a prototype and simply means there is much work to be done, as scientists continue working to distill only those choice elements from various Republicans to build an invincible Uber-Republican who will capture the hearts and minds of all Americans by the strength of his intelligence, his faith, and his character. Or by force if necessary.
Scientists realize this will be a long process. But the goal is an important one, that of re-capturing the White House and restoring it to its former glory. They know it will take much work, but it’s worth it. After all, Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.
Friday, September 21, 2007
PRESIDENTIAL PROCLAMATIONS
Still giddy from his blood-surging rush of righteous indignation over the Betray Us scandal, and the success of its condemnation in the Senate, the President has issued a new list of executive proclamations.
The president's 64% disapproval rating will now be known as his 64% “heck of a job” rating.
Dead soldiers will be reclassified as “involuntary non re-enlistees.”
Wounded soldiers will be termed as “prosthetically redeployed.”
PTSD will be designated as Post Terror Surge Delight.
Blackwater and other private security groups will be known by the term “paid military buddies.”
Effective immediately, the Democratic Party donkey mascot party will be outlawed, replaced by a Two-Faced Communist Gay Weasel pissing on the American flag. (A national design contest will follow.)
God will be officially decreed a Republican. As such the GOP will be known as “God's Only Party.”
Allah will be declared a Democrat.
Based on an upcoming Surgeon General report that education causes Cancer, all colleges and universities will be immediately closed.
Pulling strings to enlisting in the National Guard as a way of avoiding service during the Vietnam war will be designated as “domestic gallantry.” Any media reports to the contrary will be outlawed and those reponsible will be fired for reasons of national security.
Serving in Vietnam will be known as “cowardice.”
Being wounded in Vietnam - "extreme cowardice."
Losing limbs in Vietnam -- “aiding and abetting the enemy.”
The New York Times may no longer publish under that banner and must change its name to read: New York Jewish Liberal Babykiller Treason Times.
Fox News will be retitled vox dei.
Beginning with the 2008 election, voting booths will have only 2 levers: one to vote Republican, the other to vote Republican With All My Heart. A Vegas-style eye in the sky will be installed in all polling places to catch those who merely vote Republican.
When asked if some of these proclamations seem excessive, cruel, defying logic, running counter to the principles upon which the country was founded, and perhaps even borderline insane, the president was quoted as saying: “Hey, I'm the president. If I say it, that makes it so. Je suis l'etat, and yippe-kay-ay, motherfucker. “
The president's 64% disapproval rating will now be known as his 64% “heck of a job” rating.
Dead soldiers will be reclassified as “involuntary non re-enlistees.”
Wounded soldiers will be termed as “prosthetically redeployed.”
PTSD will be designated as Post Terror Surge Delight.
Blackwater and other private security groups will be known by the term “paid military buddies.”
Effective immediately, the Democratic Party donkey mascot party will be outlawed, replaced by a Two-Faced Communist Gay Weasel pissing on the American flag. (A national design contest will follow.)
God will be officially decreed a Republican. As such the GOP will be known as “God's Only Party.”
Allah will be declared a Democrat.
Based on an upcoming Surgeon General report that education causes Cancer, all colleges and universities will be immediately closed.
Pulling strings to enlisting in the National Guard as a way of avoiding service during the Vietnam war will be designated as “domestic gallantry.” Any media reports to the contrary will be outlawed and those reponsible will be fired for reasons of national security.
Serving in Vietnam will be known as “cowardice.”
Being wounded in Vietnam - "extreme cowardice."
Losing limbs in Vietnam -- “aiding and abetting the enemy.”
The New York Times may no longer publish under that banner and must change its name to read: New York Jewish Liberal Babykiller Treason Times.
Fox News will be retitled vox dei.
Beginning with the 2008 election, voting booths will have only 2 levers: one to vote Republican, the other to vote Republican With All My Heart. A Vegas-style eye in the sky will be installed in all polling places to catch those who merely vote Republican.
When asked if some of these proclamations seem excessive, cruel, defying logic, running counter to the principles upon which the country was founded, and perhaps even borderline insane, the president was quoted as saying: “Hey, I'm the president. If I say it, that makes it so. Je suis l'etat, and yippe-kay-ay, motherfucker. “
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Protest For The Digital Age
These are pictures I took during a rally in Harrisburg, 1972, in support of Father Philip Berrigan and six other nonviolent activists (The "Harrisburg Seven") accused of plotting to kidnap Henry Kissinger. (Talk about The Ransom of Red Chief...) The only speakers I remember were Bella Abzug (anyone?) and Daniel Berrigan. I got a few shots of him onstage. Being there seemed like the right thing to do at the time, though I suppose to some, I was just part of "America's noisy scum."
Thirty-five years later, it's another war. The outrage is the same, only it's played out in cyberspace. People at home furiously pecking away at keyboards instead of taking to the streets. Not that there haven't been demonstrations, or arrests, but they're no longer a focal point. Instead of the Days of Rage, shutting down the War Machine, and levitating the Pentagon, we've got the blogosphere and Moveon.org. It's certainly more peaceful. Probably more civilized. And no one gets tear gassed or smacked with a bat. We can stay comfortably at home on our computers and preach to our respective choirs. Sometimes I wonder if it's as focused. And ultimately, as effective. If it's easier for those in power to turn a deaf ear to millions of clattering keyboards, than to a few hundred thousand people screaming outside the Oval Office window.
But it is what we do now. I suppose if anyone really gets mad as hell, they can always throw the computer out the window.
Friday, September 14, 2007
PRESIDENTIAL RETIREMENT TIPS
Like cracking a window after somebody farts in the car during a hot summer road trip, the only breath of fresh air from that puppet show masquerading as a presidential address was actually hearing the words “after my administration.” Not since Nixon has an entire country thirsted to rid itself of a white house occupant and put an unholy war behind them.
Still, Mr. President, I imagine retirement will have an upside for you, too. I’m sure it will be relaxing not to have to enter the oval office (on the days you were actually there) sit there, and know that you really weren’t up to the job. Intellectually, morally, spiritually; hell, even linguistically. To have to figure out different ways to posture like a president while pretending to either know or care what you were talking about. That desk hasn’t dwarfed a person since John John sat behind it. But stupidity and power are always a tough combination. Aware of its own inadequacies, it has to be doubly vigilant to keep up the image. And that can be exhausting.
Similarly, it will be a welcome relief for most thinking Americans not to have that vomit crawl up the esophagus every time the president opens his mouth. Or to shrink from embarrassment at the thought of being led by someone so totally bankrupt. So it’ll be win-win.
As you fade away, my only hope is that you won’t get bored. Idle minds are the devil’s workshop. Hell, the last 6 years have been testament to that. Of course, there’s the 2008 election, though I doubt there’ll be much of a place for you as the GOP frontrunners will be running like hell to distance themselves from the stench. So you will have to fill the time. A few suggestions:
You could sponsor a 10K for Iraq vet amputees and their spouses to run together. Gives the 3-legged race a whole new spin. Then maybe a picnic after for the families. For a couple billion you could get KBR to cater it.
You could call OJ and see if he’s up for golf. Have a beer after in the clubhouse, and play liar’s poker. Of course, there’ll be the eulogy for Cheney, which you should get your staff working on. There’s the funding for the Presidential Libery. They have senior discounts at the movies. (Though who needs an AARP card when they’ve got the PIN number to the Treasury?) You could catch up on your reading. I can’t remember if you ever finished My Pet Goat. There will be corporate boards to sit on. Time for some payback. As you know, there’s the lucrative lecture circuit so you can refurbish the ol’ coffers, as if you haven’t been doing that these past years. But you will need a theme. How about: “I Did a Heck of a Job”?
Either way, I’m sure you’ll find stuff to keep you busy. There’s naps. Jumpin’ in the pickup and patrolling the border for illegals... Does the Special Olympics have a rodeo?
Still, Mr. President, I imagine retirement will have an upside for you, too. I’m sure it will be relaxing not to have to enter the oval office (on the days you were actually there) sit there, and know that you really weren’t up to the job. Intellectually, morally, spiritually; hell, even linguistically. To have to figure out different ways to posture like a president while pretending to either know or care what you were talking about. That desk hasn’t dwarfed a person since John John sat behind it. But stupidity and power are always a tough combination. Aware of its own inadequacies, it has to be doubly vigilant to keep up the image. And that can be exhausting.
Similarly, it will be a welcome relief for most thinking Americans not to have that vomit crawl up the esophagus every time the president opens his mouth. Or to shrink from embarrassment at the thought of being led by someone so totally bankrupt. So it’ll be win-win.
As you fade away, my only hope is that you won’t get bored. Idle minds are the devil’s workshop. Hell, the last 6 years have been testament to that. Of course, there’s the 2008 election, though I doubt there’ll be much of a place for you as the GOP frontrunners will be running like hell to distance themselves from the stench. So you will have to fill the time. A few suggestions:
You could sponsor a 10K for Iraq vet amputees and their spouses to run together. Gives the 3-legged race a whole new spin. Then maybe a picnic after for the families. For a couple billion you could get KBR to cater it.
You could call OJ and see if he’s up for golf. Have a beer after in the clubhouse, and play liar’s poker. Of course, there’ll be the eulogy for Cheney, which you should get your staff working on. There’s the funding for the Presidential Libery. They have senior discounts at the movies. (Though who needs an AARP card when they’ve got the PIN number to the Treasury?) You could catch up on your reading. I can’t remember if you ever finished My Pet Goat. There will be corporate boards to sit on. Time for some payback. As you know, there’s the lucrative lecture circuit so you can refurbish the ol’ coffers, as if you haven’t been doing that these past years. But you will need a theme. How about: “I Did a Heck of a Job”?
Either way, I’m sure you’ll find stuff to keep you busy. There’s naps. Jumpin’ in the pickup and patrolling the border for illegals... Does the Special Olympics have a rodeo?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
WHAT REALLY SCARES ME
What scares me less than President Pinocchio and the string of lies that launched us into Iraq and are keeping us there with no end in sight, and even less than the blustering of Fox News, aka The Ministry of Information setting the table for the bombing of Iran, is the prospect of another Republican president and the distinct possibility that this could happen.
Could be McCain, who seems to have a renewed taste for war, or at least the rhetorical appeal of running on that platform. Could be Benito Giuliani. That's not an Italian thing. It's a megalomania thing, 'cause when he tilts his head, juts out his jaw, and is shot at an up-angle, he's got that same power-mad look. One guy made the trains run on time, the other cleaned the hookers out of Times Square to make room for Planet Hollywood and Toys 'R' Us. He was nutty enough with the NYPD at his disposal, imagine how batshit he'd go with the entire U.S. military.
And even with the recent Republican implosion, one of them could still win. All it would take is another attack on U.S. soil. And that could happen because the Al Qaedas of the world don't seem to want a peaceful settlement to a geo-political crisis fueled by religious fervor that has been going on for over half a century. In their hysteria, they simply cry for the elimination if Israel. And that's not going to happen. And they have no other apparent political goals short of Armageddon and, in a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy, may have the means to create it.
One messianic maniac with a bomb vest and a thirst for holy war can wreak enough havoc in another attack on U.S. soil to make sure the fight goes on. The war with Iraq was sold as a response to 9/11. It didn't matter that it was untrue. Enough people bought the lie based on national outrage and a desire for vengeance. And we can be sold again.
If the recent appearance by Petraeus in his soldier suit conducting his wag-the-dog-and-pony show, complete with death charts, and cheered on by partisan cries from the sidelines via football metaphors like “we're going on offense” and “we've got the ball and we're headed down the field” don't trigger mass demonstrations and cries for impeachment, and if a recent poll is true that one in three Americans still believe there was a Saddam/9-11 connection, then we remain intellectually and politically malleable. Just push the right buttons where and when it counts, and we'll respond. Or worse, we'll do nothing.
Another attack timed close enough to the election to allow for maximum outrage and cries for revenge could provide the GOP with all the campaign rhetoric it needs to cut another anemic Democratic ticket off at the knees. And if enough people in the right states fall for this misdirection, then we could be fighting for another 8 years. Unless a century after the last one, this really becomes the “war to end all wars.” It could happen. And that's what scares me.
Could be McCain, who seems to have a renewed taste for war, or at least the rhetorical appeal of running on that platform. Could be Benito Giuliani. That's not an Italian thing. It's a megalomania thing, 'cause when he tilts his head, juts out his jaw, and is shot at an up-angle, he's got that same power-mad look. One guy made the trains run on time, the other cleaned the hookers out of Times Square to make room for Planet Hollywood and Toys 'R' Us. He was nutty enough with the NYPD at his disposal, imagine how batshit he'd go with the entire U.S. military.
And even with the recent Republican implosion, one of them could still win. All it would take is another attack on U.S. soil. And that could happen because the Al Qaedas of the world don't seem to want a peaceful settlement to a geo-political crisis fueled by religious fervor that has been going on for over half a century. In their hysteria, they simply cry for the elimination if Israel. And that's not going to happen. And they have no other apparent political goals short of Armageddon and, in a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy, may have the means to create it.
One messianic maniac with a bomb vest and a thirst for holy war can wreak enough havoc in another attack on U.S. soil to make sure the fight goes on. The war with Iraq was sold as a response to 9/11. It didn't matter that it was untrue. Enough people bought the lie based on national outrage and a desire for vengeance. And we can be sold again.
If the recent appearance by Petraeus in his soldier suit conducting his wag-the-dog-and-pony show, complete with death charts, and cheered on by partisan cries from the sidelines via football metaphors like “we're going on offense” and “we've got the ball and we're headed down the field” don't trigger mass demonstrations and cries for impeachment, and if a recent poll is true that one in three Americans still believe there was a Saddam/9-11 connection, then we remain intellectually and politically malleable. Just push the right buttons where and when it counts, and we'll respond. Or worse, we'll do nothing.
Another attack timed close enough to the election to allow for maximum outrage and cries for revenge could provide the GOP with all the campaign rhetoric it needs to cut another anemic Democratic ticket off at the knees. And if enough people in the right states fall for this misdirection, then we could be fighting for another 8 years. Unless a century after the last one, this really becomes the “war to end all wars.” It could happen. And that's what scares me.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
THE SHITHEAD QUIZ
George Bush will not be impeached. He will not change course. He is impervious to facts and immune to sarcasm. He will never admit he's wrong, which is the mark of the true idiot, and all the Times editorials and GAO reports will not effect the theatre of the absurd he's concocted entitled “Waiting for the Petraeus Report."
The only hope for peace is the 2008 elections and getting a Democrat in the White House. And with the Republicans going down the toilet literally and figuratively, it seems like a sure thing. But never count these people out. Like the Terminator, just when you think they're dead, they reform out of that mercurial slime back into a killing machine. Never underestimate their lack of decency when there is money, power and oil at stake. They will not go gently, especially when there is still swift boating to be done, muck to rake, and electoral votes to partition. Whoever the Democratic nominee turns out to be will find him or herself weathering a shitstorm of lies and misdirection that will pull lesser minds under its sway. As such, there is only one way to protect ourselves: bring back literacy tests.
Once a form of covert racism in the separate but equal south, it was not a bad idea on its face as a way of ensuring a minimum level of intelligence, like the bar at an amusement park saying: “you have to be this smart to vote." And if Literacy Test still carries too negative a connotation, maybe change the name to, I don't know, something more user-friendly, like Shithead Quiz. Nothing too complex; just a simple 10-question primer on current events. Maybe something like:
1) Global warming is:
a) destroying the planet.
b) a plot by Al Gore to force me to drive a golf cart.
2) Waterboarding is:
a) a form of torture.
b) an X-Games sport.
3) Gay people are:
a) just people trying to live their lives.
b) after me.
4) The Vice President is:
a) a heartless power-mad scumbag who shot his friend in the face.
b) not a member of the executive branch.
5) Bill O'Reilly is:
a) a responsible newsman hosting a healthy debate on the issues that face our democracy as part of a Platonic search for Truth.
b) Goebbels.
6) New Orleans was flooded because:
a) the levees were not build to withstand a powerful hurricane.
b) God hates jazz, and unnecessary fornication.
7) Jesus:
a) was a mystic who preached peace.
b) did the right thing when he realized he was Jewish -- became a Christian.
8) Real Americans:
a) are free to speak their minds.
b) trust the government and do what they're told so shut your mouth.
9) God is:
a) the name given by a particular religious tradition to the cosmic energy that courses through all things.
b) on my side.
10) George Bush is:
a) a great President who will be seen in history as the man who singlehandedly brought democracy to the Middle East and peace to a troubled world.
b) proof that hiring the handicapped has its limitations.
Answer key:
If you actually had to look down and check the answer key, you are officially declared TOO DUMB TO VOTE. Now put down the ballot, go home, and watch TV. We'll be over later to take away your guns. And your children.
The only hope for peace is the 2008 elections and getting a Democrat in the White House. And with the Republicans going down the toilet literally and figuratively, it seems like a sure thing. But never count these people out. Like the Terminator, just when you think they're dead, they reform out of that mercurial slime back into a killing machine. Never underestimate their lack of decency when there is money, power and oil at stake. They will not go gently, especially when there is still swift boating to be done, muck to rake, and electoral votes to partition. Whoever the Democratic nominee turns out to be will find him or herself weathering a shitstorm of lies and misdirection that will pull lesser minds under its sway. As such, there is only one way to protect ourselves: bring back literacy tests.
Once a form of covert racism in the separate but equal south, it was not a bad idea on its face as a way of ensuring a minimum level of intelligence, like the bar at an amusement park saying: “you have to be this smart to vote." And if Literacy Test still carries too negative a connotation, maybe change the name to, I don't know, something more user-friendly, like Shithead Quiz. Nothing too complex; just a simple 10-question primer on current events. Maybe something like:
1) Global warming is:
a) destroying the planet.
b) a plot by Al Gore to force me to drive a golf cart.
2) Waterboarding is:
a) a form of torture.
b) an X-Games sport.
3) Gay people are:
a) just people trying to live their lives.
b) after me.
4) The Vice President is:
a) a heartless power-mad scumbag who shot his friend in the face.
b) not a member of the executive branch.
5) Bill O'Reilly is:
a) a responsible newsman hosting a healthy debate on the issues that face our democracy as part of a Platonic search for Truth.
b) Goebbels.
6) New Orleans was flooded because:
a) the levees were not build to withstand a powerful hurricane.
b) God hates jazz, and unnecessary fornication.
7) Jesus:
a) was a mystic who preached peace.
b) did the right thing when he realized he was Jewish -- became a Christian.
8) Real Americans:
a) are free to speak their minds.
b) trust the government and do what they're told so shut your mouth.
9) God is:
a) the name given by a particular religious tradition to the cosmic energy that courses through all things.
b) on my side.
10) George Bush is:
a) a great President who will be seen in history as the man who singlehandedly brought democracy to the Middle East and peace to a troubled world.
b) proof that hiring the handicapped has its limitations.
Answer key:
If you actually had to look down and check the answer key, you are officially declared TOO DUMB TO VOTE. Now put down the ballot, go home, and watch TV. We'll be over later to take away your guns. And your children.
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