PUFFIN, PLEASE!

Mr. Hefner, it's time to stop playing at being a player. You were an icon in your day. Hell, my dad took me to dinner for my 14th birthday at the New York Playboy Club and I still can't shake the smile every time I think about it. You challenged sexual taboos, the interviews were cool as shit, and you made it possible for an entire generation of young adults to begin jerking off to their first glance at an image of the real things. You lived most men's fantasy. But it's time to stop. Major league pitchers know when they can no longer throw the heat, then it's time to take that final walk off the mound, doff your cap to the crowd and stroll into the dugout with your memories and your dignity.

The Girls Next Door is amusing but no one's buying the bullshit that you were actually sleeping with three women. And only a retard would believe you're banging 19-year-old twins. When the high, hard one becomes the low, soft one, it's time to let go. If you weren't trying to keep the image going, you wouldn't be making your standard entrance in the ring-a-ding-ding outfit looking like horny old grandpa's gone on walkabout again. So, please. Take off the smoking jacket. You look like a raisin inside a bolt of red velvet. Lose the lascivious smile. Keep the pipe and the Pepsi. Add some slippers and a jaunty cap. But, please, Hef. Enough. It's getting silly. Like a thoroughbred horse giving rides at a kiddie birthday party. 

I want to keep my memories of you hosting Playboy After Dark with Lenny Bruce next to you and Steppenwolf playing "Born To Be Wild." Don't tarnish it. Go out in style.  Before you turn into a wrinkled, cadaverous Bob Hope ogling Brooke Shields. At some point, it transcends hip and just gets fucking disgusting. 

A PLEA TO SARAH PALIN

SHUT THE FUCK UP, SARAH PALIN! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU’RE NOT QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY. NOW. OR FOUR YEARS FROM NOW! YOU WERE A CAMPAIGN GIMMICK, THAT’S ALL! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU’RE NOT SMART. YOU WE’RE JUST JOHNNY MAC'S LADY MACBETH BUT THE PLAY'S OVER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS ON ANYTHING SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! YOU LOST THE ELECTION! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO BACK TO ALASKA AND STAY THERE WITH YOUR IRRITATING FAMILY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS YOUR 2-MINUTE WARNING ON YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME! YOU’RE DONE! YOU’RE OVER! YOU BLEW THE ELECTION, THANK GOD! YOU’RE IRRELEVANT! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO, REALLY! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU OFFERED YOUR SERVICE TO THE COUNTRY! WE DON’T WANT YOUR SERVICE! WE’VE HAD 8 YEARS OF STUPID AND SMUG AND IT’S NEARLY RUINED US! WE’RE LOSING ONE GRINNING MEGALOMANIAC, WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO FUCK A MOOSE! FIRE A RELATIVE! NOBODY CARES! JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE LOWER 48! WE’LL BE JUST FINE! YOU LOST! LEARN HOW TO BOW OUT GRACEFULLY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GOD DOESN’T WANT YOU TO RUN! HE SHUT THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE! TAKE THE FUCKING HINT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE GOVERNOR! IF MOOSE COULD VOTE IN ALASKA YOU’D BE GIVING HAND JOBS TO JOE SIXPACKS BEHIND THE LOCAL DINER! STAY HOME! PAL AROUND WITH TODD AND HIS SECESSIONST PALS! CALL PASTOR MUTHEE AND GET AN EXORCISM! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GET OFF THE NATIONAL STAGE! TAKE THAT NASALLY FUCKING VOICE AND YOUR IDIOTIC OPINIONS ABOUT THE REAL AMERICA AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE’RE THE REAL AMERICA AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SERVE US YOU NEED TO DO NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!! 

HATER CAMP

Some Republicans now praising Barack Obama’s election as a wonderful milestone in our nation’s history may actually be sincere. While others come off like the sneaky little shit who brings brass knuckles to a fistfight and beats the other guy senseless until his victim’s enormous big brother shows up and then they’re all smiles and “hey, c’mon, let’s talk this thing out.” These people are bullies in victory, and cowards in defeat. But at least they’re crafty enough to see which way the wind is blowing and hedge their bets. Yet a nastier group of die-hards has gone back in the huddle and already come out with the proclamation “we’re a center-right country,” meaning don’t get too cocky ‘cause we’re down today, but we’ll be back, twice as mean tomorrow. Spray-tanned, rested, and ready.

But fortunately “tomorrow” is four years away and, in the meantime, we will see an orderly transfer of power --one thing we do real well in this country. Out with the old guard, in with the new. And nobody gets hurt. We don’t disappear the vanquished in the middle of the night. Sure, the Bush administration went a little batshit with the Patriot Act, but we still don’t have to fear the late-night knock on the door. 

Although in weak moments I confess a smile at the thought of rounding up some of the more heinous Rethuglicans and shipping them off for a bit of political re-education. Maybe someplace like Guantanamo. O’Reilly, Hannity, Drudge, Rove, the Dicks – Cheney and Morris -- Rumsfeld, Gonzalez, Kristol, Medved,  Limbaugh, the appropriately named Savage … along with the cadres of physically attractive yet ugly-to-the-bone fembots such as Ingraham, Malkin, Bachman, Coulter, and every crazy psycho bitch on Fox. Of course there’ll be some initial complaining about being taken from their homes without cause but Gonzalez could explain on the flight down that they don’t really have to be charged with anything. Habeas Corpus, my ass.

Once there, they’ll be treated humanely. No torture. No waterboarding. Just some political re-schooling. Civics 101. Ethics. Compassion 101. Constitutional law. Fundamentals of Democracy. Fundamentals of Christianity. Basic human being lessons. Sort of like doing a factory recall on their souls.

We won’t even have to remove the present Gitmo occupants. In fact, merging those two populations will provide a wonderful opportunity for the Americans to pal around with some real alleged terrorists and experience a genuine cross-cultural exchange. And when the Muslims face east toward Mecca to pray, the Republicans can face northwest toward California and jerk off to the memory of Ronald Reagan.

Given enough time, some may open their minds and hearts and, once re-educated, be repatriated, taking their places in civilized society. They won’t even have to return as liberals. They can be neo neo-conservatives. Keep the hard work, low taxes, bootstraps thing. Lose the cobra venom. And for those who refuse to change, we can keep them there. It would be wonderfully cleansing for the country. Like crapping out waste and useless byproducts from the body politik. And to make sure no one gets the wrong idea, we won’t even call it prison. We’ll just call it Hater Camp.

 

THE END OF THE IGNORANCE

Ok, so maybe it’s not the end of racism as we know it, but it’s certainly an important step toward shedding the skin of that diseased mentality. It took generations for the old guard to die out and for the country to start growing better people. And now they’ve finally come of age to vote. In that sense, we can begin to wave farewell to our ignorant past. And that is reason to celebrate.

In another sense, it’s an end to ignorance and a victory for intelligence, as we once again have someone in the oval office who can put sentences together while possessing actual thoughts that go into framing them. Comedians may have to take the hit, but you can’t say it hasn’t been a good ride.

As for the GOP post mortem, McCain’s concession speech showed actual moments of class and honor. My only thought: where was that class and honor during the election? And we should all celebrate the fact that he didn’t let the Disasta from Alaska speak. I’m hoping that in a very private moment, he looked her in the eyes and said: “Thanks for trying, honey. But now I’m going to have to ask you to shut the fuck up.” If so, he was speaking for much of the country.

And for those who think it was sexism that brought her down -- sorry. No one sat her down before that Katie Couric interview and said: One last piece of advice before you go out there: Make sure to say many stupid things." She had every chance to dazzle the country and the world with her knowledge and grasp of the issues. But she didn't. Because she's a moron. Sarah in 2012? Have at it. In four years, she’ll be a Jeopardy question all the contestants get wrong.

As for McCain’s future, he now has time to go home and rest. To take a walk in the garden and try to rediscover what it is he stands for, and bring it back to Washington. Sure, he’ll have to eat  some shit, but there’s still time to work on the legacy. Nothing we like more in this country than sinners who repent. We bought Nixon as an elder statesman. We’ll buy damn near anything.

As for the Republican brand: who gives a shit? They either can stop being a bunch of dicks and work with the incoming administration to fix the many problems we face, or they can start aiming for 2012, just in case in four years we’re jonesing for more mean, rich, clueless old white men.

But that’s years away. Now is a time to come together. To feel hopeful again. There is much to look forward to. We will have an intelligent president who will surround himself with the best and the brightest. A Congress that may actually find its balls. And the fact that, sometime in the next year, Limbaugh and O’Reilly will probably whip themselves into states of on-air apoplexy so violent that they induce crushing, fatal heart attacks. Ok, I know that’s not very gracious. Maybe just shingles and anal warts. After all, this is a time to celebrate. 

OK, SO IT'S NOT LIKE THE WORLD WILL BE PERFECT TOMORROW... BUT THAT'S SORT OF HOW IT FEELS...AND AT LEAST IT WON'T BE WORSE...

WHEN CARVILLE AND MATALIN COME INTO THE KITCHEN IN THE MORNING, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHO TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

Diggs

Mary Matalin on the Bush Years: We're Going To Look Back at a Pretty Remarkable Presidency

By Heather Tuesday Nov 04, 2008 9:00am

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Lady MacCheny still lives in an alternate reality. One in which she hangs out at a saloon with John Hinderaker, who once called Bush a genius.

It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, he can’t get anyone to notice. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile.

She's still defending Bush and Cheney for all she's worth and it's pretty sad that she never will come clean with the American people.

From Race to the White House Nov. 3, 2008.

Gregory: Do you think it's possible to overstate the impact of the President on this election? It's where a lot of the arguments started and where, it's where it ends. The shadow that the President and the Vice President for that matter have cast over the Republican ticket.

Matalin: I, to answer your question directly, I don't think it's possible. I think it's, the President's impact on this ticket has been grossly, grossly overstated.

{snip}

And I'll say this and you were there for eight years, we're going to look back at a pretty, really remarkable Presidency relative to national security and yes there is an un, ah unrecorded and unreported lately how long that recovery was that economic recovery right up to this last incident here which he warned against.

I think the Bush Presidency will be remembered as remarkable, but not for the same reasons as Matalin does. The word tragic comes to mind.

(h/t John Amato for a little help)

A REVERSE SHOCK DOCTRINE

Between the plumber heralding an Obama victory as “the death of Israel,” and the twit of a talk show hostess prattling on about the evils of Socialism, the Straight Talk Express has morphed into some sort of GOP clown car, with one geek after another piling out of it. Yet, instead of doing a silly walk and dousing the audience with squirting lapel flowers, they’re striding up to the podium and addressing the multitudes on the problems plaguing our country.

And then there’s the running mate, whose voice now resembles that shrieking eagle during the titles of The Colbert Report, and who has, despite all efforts, proven herself to be little more than a political and intellectual arriviste, trying to shuck, wink, and jive her way to the second most powerful job in the world.

And who’s the ringmaster? Johnny Mac, my friends. A guy so lost he couldn’t find his ass if Pennsylvania’s 23 electoral votes were hiding in it. A guy so desperate for a message, he’s been reduced to sticking his finger in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. And try as he might to blame the liberal media, the fault lies with the man himself for getting bedazzled by Karl Rove, and for flailing about at a time of crisis, while Barack Obama remained cool, collected, and consistent. A leader. The leader McCain touts himself to be. But if his behavior during this campaign is any indication, John McCain, to borrow a phrase, couldn’t lead an army of ants to a melting Hershey Bar.

But the saddest thing of all is that, despite their erratic and incompetent campaign, if it were not for the economic crisis, McCain might still be riding his post-convention, Maverick bump, possibly on his way to victory. It took an economic meltdown, along with his incompetent response, to get it through the heads of the thick-minded public that perhaps these Republicans might not have their best interests at heart. It’s true that you can fool enough of them enough of the time. Wave a few flags, put the fear of God into them over Stalin and Lenin moving next door and setting up a gay household, and most often they’ll give you their vote.

But perhaps this one time we’ve seen a reverse shock doctrine, where a catastrophe caused people not to suspend reason, but to finally employ it. Eight years of disastrous Republican rule couldn’t do it. A miscreant of a war. Katrina. A litany of scandals. They still wouldn’t budge in large enough numbers. But pick their pockets, kick them out of their homes, and bankrupt their 401ks and then you’ve got trouble. Then you’ve got a public that might start to think enough to turn a few red states blue. It may just be a sad fact of American life that perhaps the only thing that can trump American stupidity and gullibility is good old American self-interest.