THE UNITED TAITZ OF AMERICA

When John Edwards said there were two Americas, he was making the point that this country is divided into the haves and have nots, based on money and opportunity. But based on the recent insane behavior on the extreme right, it seems he left out another element: intelligence.

There are two Americas. Smart America. And Dumb America. And Dumb America has been shrieking like a wounded animal, flailing away with one ignorant, ridiculous, histrionic claim after another. It’s like someone spiked the school punch with vodka and now the kids are raging all over the playground like drunken lunatics.

As someone who prefers to live in Smart America, I’m making a plea to the GOP: If there are any limited government, old-fashioned values, strong defense, low taxes, honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay- type Republicans left, please stand up for reason and sanity, and reclaim your party. Lose the logorrhea and the hysteria. Instead of privately trading on the insanity and fobbing it off as legitimate dissent, denounce the lunatics, and re-join the national debate.

And if you won’t, I have a second request: seceed. Take Rick Perry’s advice. Split. Carve out a humble plot of land somewhere within our borders, start your own country, and go be batshit crazy together.

You could even set it up like an old western town. Lou Dobbs as Mayor. Ted Nugent as Sheriff. Matt Drudge as his bumbling deputy. O’Reilly as the gunslinger. John Boehner as the shady gambler with a Derringer in his boot. Limbaugh as the sadistic, wealthy cattle rancher. Glenn Beck as the town drunk. Sarah Palin as the local schoolmarm. Pat Robertson as the preacher. And as for Coulter and Malkin; well, someone’s got to work the local whorehouse.

You can even take the national anthem. It’s a grating, unsingable song. We’ll get Stevie Wonder to pen something new. And name your new country whatever you like. Maybe The United Taitz of America. Or Dumbfuckistan.

Then we’ll build a wall between the countries. With a Disneyland-style sign at the border, reading: You have to be THIS intelligent to live in Smart America.