Forrest Trump

I hesitate to draw the comparison between the two personalities, not because Trump didn't have a learning disability or goofy legs, but because Forrest Gump was nice. What the fuck is this guy's problem? You're a well-known billionaire real estate developer, and host of your own silly reality show. You have an ego and lack of compassion and introspection usually reserved for actors or middle-eastern dictators. Yet, you wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to run for president." Not because the country needs me. But because I want it. But you've never let obstacles get in your way in the past and now is no time to start. So you decide it's time to start speaking out on the issues, establish a platform, give people a sense of the direction you would take the country. So, how is it you figure that the way to show your grasp of the major problems facing the country and the world is to dive right to the bottom of the intellectual septic tank and come up with birtherism in your mouth? Not just as an aside. But as the basis for your attack as you head for the nomination. How do you figure: "this will show people that I'm not just a serious candidate, but a serious human being"? If you're so fucking smart, how do you do something so fucking stupid? If business was your area of expertise, why not make our dealings with China your sole platform? Republicans have laid out the argument that the deficit is the greatest threat to our security. Why not jump on it instead of allying yourself with a racist attack.

Now,  as to the deeper comparison: Forrest Gump had some disabilities. Yet, he took determination and a good heart and excelled. Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, then proceeded to stick it up his ass and pull out most of his opinions. Forrest was a noble soul who looked for the good in everyone. Trump is a spiteful motherfucker who enjoys publics spats. Forrest had humility. Trump's got more hot air blowing through him than a Thanksgiving Day Parade float.  Forrest was madly in love with one woman and that love sustained his faith in her despite every imaginable obstacle. Trump trades in wives like most people trade in car leases. Forrest healed those around him by putting goodness into the world. Trump builds garish, eponymous, gold-plated phalluses that blight the cityscape. Forrest thought before he spoke, and was sincere in his dealings. He was honest when he was confused, and that honesty permeated everything he did. Trump's most recent self-aggrandizing claim and presidential qualification was that he screwed Gaddafi on a real estate deal. Forrest took his humanity overseas and became a good will ambassador. Trump's POV on the world is to take over Iraq and steal the oil. Forrest had nice hair. Enough said.

On second thought: other than the fact that their last names rhyme, there is no comparison. Frankly, if Tom Hanks would take on the persona of Forrest Gump and spend 8 years in the oval office, I would happily sit back, secure in the knowledge that the country had not only a compassionate leader, but one wise enough to know his limitations. If Trump won the presidency, I would move to China.

In short: Trump's a retard.

GUMP 2016!