Saintorum

It's ironic for a guy who hates sex as much as Santorum to so deliberately and gleefully fuck himself. But that's what he's doing. Having sat out much of the early rounds in this Star Wars bar of a Republican primary as one goon after another dissolved into irrelevancy, now that someone's actually glanced over at the sad, pear-shaped, weak-chinned gnome nursing a soda pop and walked over to chat him up, suddenly he thinks he's pretty. Suddenly, he actually thinks the world wants to hear his vision for America instead of just getting a hand job in the parking lot. And so he's gleefully shooting his mouth off.

No public education, because it puts un-Godly ideas in people's heads and is "an anachronism." As opposed to schoolin' based on a literal interpretation of a 2000-year-old book. No pre-natal testing because it detects Down Syndrome fetuses so they can be sucked out before they can enter society and smile adorably. No birth control because it interferes with God's plan to mass produce Christians. No pre-marital sex because it doesn't mass produce Christians. No gay sex because it doesn't mass produce Christians. Someone needs to explain something to Ricky -- Nobody cares! To most of us living here in the 21st century, these are non-issues. We're past that. The culture wars are a dodge. Political misdirection. Something Karl Rove and company dreamed up to fire up the hicks and propel themselves into office so they could go about the real business of Republican rule: making themselves and their friends rich. Like the so-called "fair tax." Everyone pays the same. Sounds fair. And Americans believe in fairness. But the trick is that the rich simply want to pay less and if the price is other people getting to pay less as well; well, who gives a fuck?

So for a quick, shining moment, the media took a look at Rick -- A guy who was born too late to follow his true calling as a judge at the Salem witch trials. One look at that smug, patrician scowl and you can see him leaning over his bench, pointing an accusing finger at some poor waif and shrieking "burn her!" And while the thought of him anywhere near actual power sends a cold shiver down one's spine, there's a part of me that would like to see him get the nomination. First off, just to wipe the sense of entitlement off Romney's face and that Nero-like sneer off Gingrich's. And as for Ron Paul -- who cares? He's a primary skin tag. Yet, he has the unique distinction of being the one Republican candidate who, if you listen to him for 5 minutes, he makes a lot of sense. But when you listen for 10, you realize he's out of his fucking mind.

So, if by some fluke the Republican faithful become so enthralled with their pet culture warrior that they drip Santorum on one another and nominate the weasel -- well, then -- great. I'd love to see the little shit on a debate stage with the president. It's one thing to preach to the retarded choir that attends these debates about the president's private "environmental theology." It's another to stand on a stage and debate the man, at which point the country will see him for who he is -- the mealy mouthed kid who talks tough on the team bus on the way to the game, then gets into the game and gets his ass kicked.

But that fantasy will probably have to remain as such because as Santorum continues to fuck himself via the act of talking, the punditocracy has once again focused on Romney, a guy whose calling in life is to sip a ginger ale in the clubhouse of a restricted country club. So instead of another round of culture wars, we'll have to endure another half-year of Mitt standing on stage in his mom jeans, flashing that excruciating smile as he painfully and pathetically tries to connect with actual people while firing up the base with the boogeyman du jour -- Obama's war on the rich! Obama's war on religion! Iran getting the bomb! Government taking your freedom! Immigrants taking your jobs! Be afraid of the intelligent black guy in the white house! But pay no attention to the Mormon behind the curtain.

Though maybe Santorum will take the Veep slot under Romney where he can fight the culture wars to his sanctimonious little heart's content and take his rightful place in history as the second coming of Dan Quayle. Heads up to the gay couple on Modern Family -- you've been served.