Celebrity News – ‘Cause That’s What’s Important

How to Lose the 3-Legged Race

Paul McCartney’s in divorce court and it’s going to cost him 100 million. And maybe it should. C’mon- you’re Paul McCartney, a fucking Beatle, only two of four left because Mark Chapman’s a better shot than John Hinckley and Cancer’s got a sick sense of humor. Still, you’ve got a billion dollars and the sad widower card to play. You could’ve had your pick of millions of women all over the world and not one of them a middle-aged fan living out a cute Beatle teenage fantasy. But, shit, with all those options, you could’ve at least picked a two-legged one.

Does Republican Sperm Taste THAT Good?

On a book tour, Ann Coulter says she’ll fight Hillary to the death ‘cause she doesn’t want to be fitted for a burqa. The only burqa this psycho bitch should be fitted for would be one where the arms tie in the back and there’s a ball gag for her mouth. If she had any decency, she’d donate that body to some fat chick with a good heart. She is evil incarnate -- a zit on the ass of society and self-promoting media whore who’s living proof that the Boys from Brazil was a documentary though in this case it was Hitler’s dog who left his seed behind. Oh, and I’d watch the “Jews need to be perfected” shit. We got your lord. We can get you, too.

All Federline – All the Time

Larry King continues to keep his finger on the corpse of America by losing no opportunity to flog the deaths of Anna Nicole, Nicole Brown, Tammy Fay, or Princess Di. If Brittney stops flashing her tits long enough to OD, Federline might as well stick a cot at CNN ‘cause he’ll never be off the air.

Hasselhoff’s the Wagon.

Is it possible to go into re-rehab? Or maybe it’s just research. Maybe he’s tuning up to be a judge on America’s Got Vodka. At least Hugh Grant’s still got enough of his wits about him to get pissed and fall into a vat of college girls. Looks like he had a good time and no money changed hands.

She Knows and Loves Dick.

Lynne Cheney left the Beltway long enough to flog her book on Jon Stewart, receiving a measure of grace and good manners from the host, while relating some regular guy stories about her husband, including his inscription in her yearbook: “Sweetheart, for you I would lasso the moon and send it careening into the sun.” The only awkward moment came when she first sat in the interview chair and stained her dress on the puddle of goo that was Chris Matthews.

Drew Carey debuts on The Price is Right

First item up: contestants try to guess the price of a backroom blowjob from a Vegas pole dancer.

What else? Lindsey left rehab for Utah, which is really just more rehab. A Lost star gets 6 months of lost weekends for her DUI. J Lo's pregnant, and Bobby Brown denied he had a heart attack even though his reps said he had a heart attack Brown claims it's his prerogative not to have had a heart attack.

Oh, and there’s a war on.

Rudy The Impaler

A recent poll centered on the Republican candidates has Giuliani out front of Uncle McCain, whose recent public statements seem to consist of the first thoughts that pop into his head after waking from a nap a little cranky. He's followed by Grandpa Fred, Reagan without the intelligence. With Mitt's hair and suit running a distant third and fourth, respectively. Alongside those numbers, a poll of Americans' biggest concerns. Number one: terrorism. That means it's going to be all-fear-all-the-time as we head down the one-year home stretch, with the Giuliani campaign firing a "soft on defense" barrage at Hillary until they have her both flipping and flopping from "I supported the war," to "I didn't support the war," to "I'll end the war," to "I'll end the war...one of these days." And the Republican single-minded fixation on winning will leave no turn un-stoned as they adopt a scorched earth campaign policy, making sure each and every American has the living shit scared out of them on a daily basis. Hillary will need Jesus as a running mate, and even then it could get dicey as they hit him with also being soft on defense. And not a Christian.

President Giuliani? You can see beyond that plastered-on shit-eating grin and phony rigtheous indignation that he's just looking for 9/11 payback, and five seconds after taking the oath of office he'll be summoning the guy with the launch codes. That would put Armageddon sometime on or before 2017.

And still another poll has 27% of Republicans voting for a third-party candidate if Rudy is the nominee. So maybe they'll split the vote and put the election out of stealable range and the war closer to a close. Interesting, they could be casting a pro-life vote and not even know it. Still, every poll carries the "it's just a poll" caveat.

Al Gore may be the only unbeatable Democrat. The only closer. One hopes he's at least open to it. There's no point in working to save the environment if your opponents are hell-bent on blowing up the planet. If Gore won't run, the Dems will be forced to get as dirty as necessary to win and beat Giuliani like a bald-headed stepchild. Maybe they can dust off that old Goldwater commercial with the little girl and the nuke. Hell, it worked the first time.