Thursday, July 24, 2008


According to a campaign source intimately close with the Republican presumptive nominee, John McCain is weary from the many months of campaigning and privately admits that he’d rather just give up and vote for Obama. According to the well-placed source, McCain confided: “I give up. I can’t win this thing. Hell, I can’t keep my facts straight: Sunni from Shia, Iraq/Afghanistan borders, surge stats. It’s all just too much information and I can’t keep trotting out the “never surrender” hackneyed WWII-era bullshit. It’s a smokescreen and no one’s buying it. Besides, I can’t hurt Obama. He’s smart. He’s poised. He’s telegenic. He’s got an annoying command of the facts and a charisma I can’t touch. It’s Nixon/Kennedy all over again. I can’t nail him on flag pins. Inexperience. Can’t attach myself to the Bush record. Shit, only Charles Manson has a lower approval rating. I could pick Jindal as my Veep but that’d just look like I’m trying to pander. They’ve got an ethnic guy; I’ll get an ethnic guy. Besides, it’ll piss the hell out of the hicks. The Christians think I’m too liberal. I’m too old for the kids with their fancy internet. I’m too addled for the policy wonks and not pretty enough for the women. My hair’s gone, My teeth look like the Rocky Mountains made out of corn kernels. How the hell am I supposed to compete with Obama? Face it, the guy’s handsome. Got a smile that lights up a room and eyes that sparkle. Even the boys at Fox can’t bring him down with all that Hussein/Osama/Obama nonsense. And that twit poser Katie Couric couldn’t even throw him with the “surge is working” shit. CBS anchor, my ass. She should be hosting a cooking show. I can’t bring up race. Gays. Nobody cares about the Hanoi Hilton shit anymore. I’ve flip flopped positions so much the whole ‘straight talk’ thing is a joke. Frankly, I don’t even know whose ass to kiss. Nobody loves me but my lobbyists, a bunch of old Jews in Florida, some armadillos in Arizona, and my mother. And, frankly, she could be jiving me, too.  I can’t read off that prompter and deliver these scripted lines with fake passion and then force out a craggy smile. Every time I do it, it makes the babies cry. I’m sick of calling these crowds “my friends.” They’re not my friends. That’s just some handler’s idea to try to make me look folksy. Obama’s got the media dripping all over his every word up and down the Middle East while I’m trying to whip up support from a bunch of sub-educated, minimum wage shitkickers at a town hall meeting. It’s like a pep rally for retards. Screw it. He’s too good. Hell, even I’m going to vote for him. But now, I’m tired. I’m cranky. I need a nap. So, fetch me my comfy slippers, you c**t and make me a tuna sandwich. And this time cut the crusts off or I’ll slap the spackle right off your face.”

When asked to respond, a McCain spokesperson refused to comment on the quote, other than to say it was an obvious fabrication, as something like this couldn’t possibly have come from any source inside the campaign.