Friday, December 31, 2010


The 2012 presidential election is on. (As if it's ever been off.) But the unofficial first shot has been fired by former Arkansas governor and failed 2008 GOP candidate Mike Huckabee in the form of a TV spot advocating the repeal of the health care bill. Or, as Huck refers to it: a 2300-page monstrosity cooked up in "back room deals in the dead of night" and "forced on the American people, despite their kicking and screaming that they didn't want it." The spot urges all Americans to sign an online petition entitled "repeal it now," a phrase he seems to expect will go down in history as a clarion call of American defiance, along with "no taxation without representation," (which some elements of the GOP would love to amend to "no taxation"), and "Surrender? Nuts!" (Unless it was "surrender nuts," Eric Massa's admonition to his male staff members.) And at the bottom of the screen, pictures of key supporters of the repeal initiative, including noted American intellectuals Michael Reagan and Joe the Plumber.

Now, Huck seems life an affable guy. The former fattie preacher with the hound dog face, folksy smile and aw shucks manner even demonstrates occasional flashes of reasonableness, such as in a recent appearance on The Daily Show, in which he urged members of his party to support the 9/11 first responders bill. Still, for an opening salvo in his campaign, and given the fact that he probably refers to himself as "a man of God" I was expecting a little something more out of him. A little, I don't know... Honesty.

First of all, no one was kicking and screaming about this bill other than the insurance companies, their paid lobbyists like Dick Armey, their de facto lobbyists in congress, and the assorted goofballs they coaxed out of their La-Z-Boys to storm the town hall meetings and shout down any possibility of intelligent discussion or debate, fobbing it off as genuine outrage. As for the talking point about this bill being over 2300 pages, don't congresspersons have staffs trained in the dual arts of reading and summarizing? And as for the American people kicking and screaming, I don't recall seeing any kicking from parents whose kids will be allowed to remain on their policies until they're 26. And I don't remember hearing any screaming from either Democrats or Republicans about the fact that their insurance companies can no longer deny them coverage based on pre-existing conditions, or max out their coverage when they're hit with a serious illness. For all the bitching about "Obamacare," I still wonder which part of it Republicans hate more: the "Obama" part, or the "care" part.

In the commercial, Huckabee also talks about American voters being adults, who deserve to be treated as such. Well, the way to treat them as such is not by putting out some low-rent commercial with cheesy graphics, obligatory waving flags, and histrionic rhetoric, intending to obscure the facts while demonizing an important piece of legislation. Legislation that was passed through the democratic process. (Or maybe he just considers them an "activist congress?") And as for the exhortation to "spank Congress." That's just childish. And fucking dumb.

According to many cable pundits, Huck is the GOP frontrunner, assuming the Leona Helmsley of the Republican party, Queen Sarah, either punks out or self-destructs via her own venality or congenital stupidity. And if she runs, she will self-destruct, because no matter how many pet phrases her handlers teach her to say, they can never teach her to think. They can give her the names of books to claim she's reading, but they can't equip her to actually understand, let alone discuss the ideas inside. She will fall because she's defenseless against the one weapon she hasn't had to face in two years - the dreaded follow-up question.

But putting aside the interminable pondering over whether or not she'll run, chances are she's smart enough to read the polls reflecting her enormous unpopularity outside the GOP womb, and will just hit the trail to horse trade her popularity for fun and profit. Or maybe another great white hope will emerge. (Though it will be a challenge to find someone whiter than Romney.) But, for the moment, Huck looks like a contender.

So, please, Governor, if you want to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate -- up your game. You have problems with the health care bill? Make your case like an adult. Deal in facts, not histrionics. And be prepared to debate the facts in a public forum. If you don't understand the subtleties of the bill, study up. Or maybe start by wrapping your mind around a simpler concept. Like evolution. Cheesy, classless commercials like this may play to the base, but they negate you as a credible national candidate. However, if your goal is just to play to the base and come off like a clown, then don't stop with this childish commercial. Go all the way -- put on a dress, smear on some lipstick, grab a rifle, and get yourself a reality show.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Trigonometry #5: Rescue Me!

Yeah, she penned an op ed piece on Iran like I farted Mozart's Requiem. Let's examine this, shall we?

"Iran continues to defy the international community in its drive to acquire nuclear weapons."

Dogshit. She spells acquire with a "k." 

"Arab leaders in the region rightly fear a nuclear-armed Iran." 

Nuclear-armed? She wouldn't know a compound adjective if it kicked her in the twat. 

"We suspected this before, but now we know for sure because of leaked diplomatic cables." 

We? We who? We nuclear inspectors? We failed Veep candidates? We who bailed out on our office to cash in on our transitory and undeserved fame? We reality show whores? We Fox News contributors? We shrieking psycho bitches? 

"King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia "frequently exhorted the U.S. to attack Iran to put an end to its nuclear weapons program," according to these communications. Officials from Jordan said the Iranian nuclear program should be stopped by any means necessary. Officials from the United Arab Emirates and Egypt saw Iran as evil, an "existential threat" and a sponsor of terrorism. If Iran isn't stopped from obtaining nuclear weapons, it could trigger a regional nuclear arms race in which these countries would seek their own nuclear weapons to protect themselves."

She doesn't know where Saudi Arabia is. She thinks Jordan is the guy who played for the Bulls. She couldn't pick King Abdullah out of a lineup if he were paired with the Burger King and King Kong.  She doesn't write this shit. She's got some starry eyed, amoral staff cooz with a night school degree in creative writing who scribbles it for her. Give her a pen she'd try to stab a woodland creature with it.  I blame the fucking media. They report "Sarah Palin wrote," or "Sarah Palin tweeted" just 'cause they see her name on it. At some point, aren't you assholes supposed to ask questions? 

Trust me -- She doesn't write. She doesn't read. She doesn't tweet. She doesn't think. She just eats. She's a wolf. Like one of those wilderness creatures she so gleefully slaughters from a safe distance she shoots out insults while prowling the public highways for cash, free travel, and the glory she so perversely think she deserves. And it's my lot in life to be her stage prop 'cause she thinks it makes her come off like a proud, caring parent by constantly dragging around the retard. What's up with that? Who brings a kid onstage for a speech? She's got nannies up the wim-wam except when it's time for a photo op. Then it's "fetch me the 'tard." The woman's a cypher. She's a sham of a mockery of a sham. 

And I'm stuck.  She said I have to fucking hang there and flash the snaggle-tooth smile and cute retarded kid face or she won't feed me. Trust me -- If there's a smile upon my face, it's only there to fool the public. Mofo needs to eat. Shit. 

Somebody rescue me. Cut me loose from this bitch and hide me. Anywhere. A group home. Witness protection. Stuff me inside Mariah Carey and say she's having triplets. I don't care. I am not a prop! I am somebody! I deserve a life! In my dreams a stiff wind comes along, catches my elephant ears and flies me off to a magic land where I look like George Clooney and where tits are for fun and not food. 

Won't you make my dreams come true? Help! I'm dying here! 

Peace out.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Trigonometry #4: The Palindrone Strikes a Blow for Dessert!

Just when I think my mother the cash cow can't stoop any lower, she gets down on all fours and finds a way. Bad enough she lugs me around on that dumbshit reality show while she plays Annie Oakley, slaughtering defenseless woodland creatures. Man, what I wouldn't give to see that moose grab a tree branch and beat that fucking smile off her smug, pancaked face. Now she's gotta take a cheap political shot at the first lady over fucking s'mores!? S'mores?! This from a woman who puts the Ho in Hostess Twinkie. Guess you have to expect that from someone who's too fucking retarded to understand the intricacies of domestic policy. But, food. Yeah, that she gets. Fat = freedom! Just like the founding fathers wanted. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, and lard. Just 'cause the first lady happened to notice that our national symbol is about to go from the bald eagle to the Flying Fat-Ass  'cause most of the country thinks gravy is a food group and that maybe it'd be a good idea to educate the seemingly uneducable about nutrition so that their asses don't look like the back of a fucking semi. Shit, have you looked at some of the fat bastards in this country. They don't need pockets on the backs of their jeans, they need mudflaps. Even country clod, good-ol' boy, and former fat kid Preacher/Governor Huck dissed her. There's an early shot for 2012. Take that, bitch! But leave it to her to tear down anything remotely intelligent. Just playing to her aptly named base. But, what do you expect, when a recent survey showed 78% of the American people doubt evolution. Maybe it's 'cause Sister Sarah loves to namedrop her precious God. 'Cause if God is everywhere, then he's the fattest fuck in the cosmos. So pork up, America. Shovel them pancakes down your gullet. It's your Christian duty.

Dammit, I'm mad.

Peace out.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Trigonometry #3: Palin in the Time of Cholera

Bitch won't take me to Disneyland, but she's got time to pal around with Billy Graham's retarded kid on a humanitarian mission to Haiti? Yeah. Dumbshit couldn't find Haiti on a map of Hispaniola. And who does she drag along? Fox News/Scientology ho Greta Van Susteren. 'Cause everybody knows when you're walking across the water to save souls, you take a long a news crew. Can you say "bullshit campaign stunt"? The great white healer comes out of the sky to save the stricken brown people with calls for military airlifts. I don't know, just handing out food and medical supplies to people who haven't worked for it? Sounds a little socialist to me. After all, according to that dick with ears Pat Robertson, God sent that earthquake to Haiti so He obviously meant for this to happen. God doesn't like Voodoo. Or French. It's the language of the devil. As opposed to that twangy patois that frames the milky discharge that oozes out of the mouth of the Great White dipshit herself. Man, I hope and pray Jesus does come back just so I can watch him pimp slap the living shit out of her. Right before he hits D.C. to take out every fat bastard Republican who thinks it's dissing Christmas to stick around to ratify a treaty that stops people from nukin' other people. Who fucking elects these people? How fucking dumb is this country? Is there something in grits that kills brain cells? God save us from these fat, hypocritical fucks. Makes me wanna holla.  Hey, John McCain. The Senate lost and found called. They have your soul.

Peace out.

Friday, December 10, 2010

TRIGONOMETRY #2 -- "Warning, America! Soylent Palin is Running!!"

America, beware! The crazy bitch is off and running. It's Sarah 2012. Book tour, my ass! She didn't write the book. Fuck, she didn't even read the book. But she's in Iowa promotin' it. Sure. Now she's traveling overseas. Haiti? Watch her pick up little Haitian babies as she puts on her best "I care" face while passing out Neiman's gift cards to the masses. England? Uh huh. She had her assistant buy a copy of Rosetta Stone English so she can speak to Margaret Thatcher in her native tongue. And Israel. This isn't foreign policy. She's shopping for a vacation home in advance of the Apocalypse. Crazy megalomaniacal bitch thinks even God is horny for her.

And the media! The fucking media with their "is she or isn't she running" bullshit stories. Fucking hypocrites. If she looked like Susan Boyle they wouldn't even take a dump on her. But, day after day that fucking mug is all over the tube. Here's some breaking news for you, you alleged journalists! And you can take it to the fucking bank! She's running! Sittin' down with Barbara Walters? Took her two years to come up with an answer to "what do you read"? C.S. Lewis? Newsmax? Atrophied minds want to know. Trust me, this psycho cooz doesn't read books. She can't read a stop sign without moving her lips. And the husband, who she refers to as "my bitch," thinks she's qualified to be president. Who saw that coming? I wonder if Ted Nugent will endorse her. And her fucking twitters. She spews her bullshit to some toady who crowbars it into Palinglish and pukes it onto her Blackberry.

Wake up, America! She's dumb. She's dangerous. And she's coming your way in 2012! The whole gang of retards is coming your way: The 70s porn star husband. The dancing queen Miss Piggy unwed teenage mother. The unwed-mother-in-training other daughter. And her crew of enablers, apologists, explainers, hairstylists, fashion stylists, economic advisors, policy advisors, PR and image consultants, debate prep team, personal assistants... and me. Like I'm a fuckin' movie prop. Carting my ass around like we're fucking Siamese twins when she's on the stump, then drop-kicking me to some toady the second she's off stage. And here's the scariest part: she knows she's full of shit. She knows how ignorant she is. And it's not stopping her. Think about it. She knows she's incompetent but it's not stopping her. But we can. Write the book, Levi! Write the fuckin' book!

En garde, America! She's got you in her sights. You saw what happened to the moose! Hey, Julian Assange! I know shit! Call me!

Peace out.