Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"Where I was," by Governor Mark Sanford.

I was hiking the Appalachian trail and my GPS went, like, totally batshit.

I was on a double secret intelligence mission, investigating the South American cocaine trade, and tracked the source of the problem to the ass cheeks of an Argentinian stripper.

Fine, I was planning on starring in a local production of Evita and went to Buenos Aires to research the role.

Look, you just can't get good Gaucho steak in the states, ok?

I was taking tango lessons so I could take my wife dancing for her birthday. It was going to be a surprise, so thanks for screwing THAT up.

I was on a trade mission, trading American dollars for Argentinian blow jobs.

I was on a boat, cruising the Argentinian coastline. Alone. Totally alone. Completely and totally alone. I resent any and all implications that I was not totally alone.

I categorically deny that I was visiting the love child I fathered with an Argentinian supermodel. They don't even have Father's Day in Argentina, so there!

At least I wasn't in a Minneapolis airport bathroom.

John Edwards, people. John Edwards.

You remember how President Bush used to disappear to his ranch in Crawford? Well, I was practicing for when I became president and was checking out ranch property in Buenos Aires.

It was President Obama's fault. He forced that stimulus package on me so I went to get my package stimulated.

Hey, I'll tell you the same thing I told my wife: none of your fuckin' beeswax.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


10) Sorry. I thought the kid at the game was the one who already got pregnant. Not the one's who's going to get pregnant in 3 years.  

9) It was wrong to joke that A-Rod could've knocked up your kid. The way the Yankees had been playing I didn't think they could hit anything. 

8) It was Conan's line. He bet me $10 I wouldn't do it.  

7) The slutty flight attendant reference was not only insulting. It was wrong. There are no slutty flight attendants anymore. The last one got elected to congress from Minnesota.  

6) I was thrown by the sight of Giuliani out in the daytime and momentarily lost all reason.  

5) I didn't write that joke. I got it from Bill O'Reilly's loofah file.  

4) I was thrown by the fact that you were in New York. You know we have Jews here, right?  

3) Sorry. Now Greta Van Susteren hates me, too. Now I'll never be invited to the Scientology picnic.  

2) Fuck you and the dogsled you rode in on.  

1) Hey, at least I didn't do a joke about the retard. What's his name? Oh, yeah, Todd.