Tuesday, December 23, 2008

PUFFIN, PLEASE!


Mr. Hefner, it's time to stop playing at being a player. You were an icon in your day. Hell, my dad took me to dinner for my 14th birthday at the New York Playboy Club and I still can't shake the smile every time I think about it. You challenged sexual taboos, the interviews were cool as shit, and you made it possible for an entire generation of young adults to begin jerking off to their first glance at an image of the real things. You lived most men's fantasy. But it's time to stop. Major league pitchers know when they can no longer throw the heat, then it's time to take that final walk off the mound, doff your cap to the crowd and stroll into the dugout with your memories and your dignity.

The Girls Next Door is amusing but no one's buying the bullshit that you were actually sleeping with three women. And only a retard would believe you're banging 19-year-old twins. When the high, hard one becomes the low, soft one, it's time to let go. If you weren't trying to keep the image going, you wouldn't be making your standard entrance in the ring-a-ding-ding outfit looking like horny old grandpa's gone on walkabout again. So, please. Take off the smoking jacket. You look like a raisin inside a bolt of red velvet. Lose the lascivious smile. Keep the pipe and the Pepsi. Add some slippers and a jaunty cap. But, please, Hef. Enough. It's getting silly. Like a thoroughbred horse giving rides at a kiddie birthday party. 

I want to keep my memories of you hosting Playboy After Dark with Lenny Bruce next to you and Steppenwolf playing "Born To Be Wild." Don't tarnish it. Go out in style.  Before you turn into a wrinkled, cadaverous Bob Hope ogling Brooke Shields. At some point, it transcends hip and just gets fucking disgusting. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A PLEA TO SARAH PALIN

SHUT THE FUCK UP, SARAH PALIN! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU’RE NOT QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY. NOW. OR FOUR YEARS FROM NOW! YOU WERE A CAMPAIGN GIMMICK, THAT’S ALL! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU’RE NOT SMART. YOU WE’RE JUST JOHNNY MAC'S LADY MACBETH BUT THE PLAY'S OVER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS ON ANYTHING SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! YOU LOST THE ELECTION! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO BACK TO ALASKA AND STAY THERE WITH YOUR IRRITATING FAMILY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS YOUR 2-MINUTE WARNING ON YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME! YOU’RE DONE! YOU’RE OVER! YOU BLEW THE ELECTION, THANK GOD! YOU’RE IRRELEVANT! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO, REALLY! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU OFFERED YOUR SERVICE TO THE COUNTRY! WE DON’T WANT YOUR SERVICE! WE’VE HAD 8 YEARS OF STUPID AND SMUG AND IT’S NEARLY RUINED US! WE’RE LOSING ONE GRINNING MEGALOMANIAC, WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO FUCK A MOOSE! FIRE A RELATIVE! NOBODY CARES! JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE LOWER 48! WE’LL BE JUST FINE! YOU LOST! LEARN HOW TO BOW OUT GRACEFULLY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GOD DOESN’T WANT YOU TO RUN! HE SHUT THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE! TAKE THE FUCKING HINT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE GOVERNOR! IF MOOSE COULD VOTE IN ALASKA YOU’D BE GIVING HAND JOBS TO JOE SIXPACKS BEHIND THE LOCAL DINER! STAY HOME! PAL AROUND WITH TODD AND HIS SECESSIONST PALS! CALL PASTOR MUTHEE AND GET AN EXORCISM! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GET OFF THE NATIONAL STAGE! TAKE THAT NASALLY FUCKING VOICE AND YOUR IDIOTIC OPINIONS ABOUT THE REAL AMERICA AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE’RE THE REAL AMERICA AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SERVE US YOU NEED TO DO NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!! 


Monday, November 10, 2008

HATER CAMP

Some Republicans now praising Barack Obama’s election as a wonderful milestone in our nation’s history may actually be sincere. While others come off like the sneaky little shit who brings brass knuckles to a fistfight and beats the other guy senseless until his victim’s enormous big brother shows up and then they’re all smiles and “hey, c’mon, let’s talk this thing out.” These people are bullies in victory, and cowards in defeat. But at least they’re crafty enough to see which way the wind is blowing and hedge their bets. Yet a nastier group of die-hards has gone back in the huddle and already come out with the proclamation “we’re a center-right country,” meaning don’t get too cocky ‘cause we’re down today, but we’ll be back, twice as mean tomorrow. Spray-tanned, rested, and ready.

But fortunately “tomorrow” is four years away and, in the meantime, we will see an orderly transfer of power --one thing we do real well in this country. Out with the old guard, in with the new. And nobody gets hurt. We don’t disappear the vanquished in the middle of the night. Sure, the Bush administration went a little batshit with the Patriot Act, but we still don’t have to fear the late-night knock on the door. 

Although in weak moments I confess a smile at the thought of rounding up some of the more heinous Rethuglicans and shipping them off for a bit of political re-education. Maybe someplace like Guantanamo. O’Reilly, Hannity, Drudge, Rove, the Dicks – Cheney and Morris -- Rumsfeld, Gonzalez, Kristol, Medved,  Limbaugh, the appropriately named Savage … along with the cadres of physically attractive yet ugly-to-the-bone fembots such as Ingraham, Malkin, Bachman, Coulter, and every crazy psycho bitch on Fox. Of course there’ll be some initial complaining about being taken from their homes without cause but Gonzalez could explain on the flight down that they don’t really have to be charged with anything. Habeas Corpus, my ass.

Once there, they’ll be treated humanely. No torture. No waterboarding. Just some political re-schooling. Civics 101. Ethics. Compassion 101. Constitutional law. Fundamentals of Democracy. Fundamentals of Christianity. Basic human being lessons. Sort of like doing a factory recall on their souls.

We won’t even have to remove the present Gitmo occupants. In fact, merging those two populations will provide a wonderful opportunity for the Americans to pal around with some real alleged terrorists and experience a genuine cross-cultural exchange. And when the Muslims face east toward Mecca to pray, the Republicans can face northwest toward California and jerk off to the memory of Ronald Reagan.

Given enough time, some may open their minds and hearts and, once re-educated, be repatriated, taking their places in civilized society. They won’t even have to return as liberals. They can be neo neo-conservatives. Keep the hard work, low taxes, bootstraps thing. Lose the cobra venom. And for those who refuse to change, we can keep them there. It would be wonderfully cleansing for the country. Like crapping out waste and useless byproducts from the body politik. And to make sure no one gets the wrong idea, we won’t even call it prison. We’ll just call it Hater Camp.

 

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

THE END OF THE IGNORANCE


Ok, so maybe it’s not the end of racism as we know it, but it’s certainly an important step toward shedding the skin of that diseased mentality. It took generations for the old guard to die out and for the country to start growing better people. And now they’ve finally come of age to vote. In that sense, we can begin to wave farewell to our ignorant past. And that is reason to celebrate.

In another sense, it’s an end to ignorance and a victory for intelligence, as we once again have someone in the oval office who can put sentences together while possessing actual thoughts that go into framing them. Comedians may have to take the hit, but you can’t say it hasn’t been a good ride.

As for the GOP post mortem, McCain’s concession speech showed actual moments of class and honor. My only thought: where was that class and honor during the election? And we should all celebrate the fact that he didn’t let the Disasta from Alaska speak. I’m hoping that in a very private moment, he looked her in the eyes and said: “Thanks for trying, honey. But now I’m going to have to ask you to shut the fuck up.” If so, he was speaking for much of the country.

And for those who think it was sexism that brought her down -- sorry. No one sat her down before that Katie Couric interview and said: One last piece of advice before you go out there: Make sure to say many stupid things." She had every chance to dazzle the country and the world with her knowledge and grasp of the issues. But she didn't. Because she's a moron. Sarah in 2012? Have at it. In four years, she’ll be a Jeopardy question all the contestants get wrong.

As for McCain’s future, he now has time to go home and rest. To take a walk in the garden and try to rediscover what it is he stands for, and bring it back to Washington. Sure, he’ll have to eat  some shit, but there’s still time to work on the legacy. Nothing we like more in this country than sinners who repent. We bought Nixon as an elder statesman. We’ll buy damn near anything.

As for the Republican brand: who gives a shit? They either can stop being a bunch of dicks and work with the incoming administration to fix the many problems we face, or they can start aiming for 2012, just in case in four years we’re jonesing for more mean, rich, clueless old white men.

But that’s years away. Now is a time to come together. To feel hopeful again. There is much to look forward to. We will have an intelligent president who will surround himself with the best and the brightest. A Congress that may actually find its balls. And the fact that, sometime in the next year, Limbaugh and O’Reilly will probably whip themselves into states of on-air apoplexy so violent that they induce crushing, fatal heart attacks. Ok, I know that’s not very gracious. Maybe just shingles and anal warts. After all, this is a time to celebrate. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

OK, SO IT'S NOT LIKE THE WORLD WILL BE PERFECT TOMORROW... BUT THAT'S SORT OF HOW IT FEELS...AND AT LEAST IT WON'T BE WORSE...

WHEN CARVILLE AND MATALIN COME INTO THE KITCHEN IN THE MORNING, HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHO TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

RTTWH-Matlin-Bush-110308
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Lady MacCheny still lives in an alternate reality. One in which she hangs out at a saloon with John Hinderaker, who once called Bush a genius.

It must be very strange to be President Bush. A man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, he can’t get anyone to notice. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile.

She's still defending Bush and Cheney for all she's worth and it's pretty sad that she never will come clean with the American people.

From Race to the White House Nov. 3, 2008.

Gregory: Do you think it's possible to overstate the impact of the President on this election? It's where a lot of the arguments started and where, it's where it ends. The shadow that the President and the Vice President for that matter have cast over the Republican ticket.

Matalin: I, to answer your question directly, I don't think it's possible. I think it's, the President's impact on this ticket has been grossly, grossly overstated.

{snip}

And I'll say this and you were there for eight years, we're going to look back at a pretty, really remarkable Presidency relative to national security and yes there is an un, ah unrecorded and unreported lately how long that recovery was that economic recovery right up to this last incident here which he warned against.

I think the Bush Presidency will be remembered as remarkable, but not for the same reasons as Matalin does. The word tragic comes to mind.

(h/t John Amato for a little help)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A REVERSE SHOCK DOCTRINE

Between the plumber heralding an Obama victory as “the death of Israel,” and the twit of a talk show hostess prattling on about the evils of Socialism, the Straight Talk Express has morphed into some sort of GOP clown car, with one geek after another piling out of it. Yet, instead of doing a silly walk and dousing the audience with squirting lapel flowers, they’re striding up to the podium and addressing the multitudes on the problems plaguing our country.

And then there’s the running mate, whose voice now resembles that shrieking eagle during the titles of The Colbert Report, and who has, despite all efforts, proven herself to be little more than a political and intellectual arriviste, trying to shuck, wink, and jive her way to the second most powerful job in the world.

And who’s the ringmaster? Johnny Mac, my friends. A guy so lost he couldn’t find his ass if Pennsylvania’s 23 electoral votes were hiding in it. A guy so desperate for a message, he’s been reduced to sticking his finger in the air to see which way the wind is blowing. And try as he might to blame the liberal media, the fault lies with the man himself for getting bedazzled by Karl Rove, and for flailing about at a time of crisis, while Barack Obama remained cool, collected, and consistent. A leader. The leader McCain touts himself to be. But if his behavior during this campaign is any indication, John McCain, to borrow a phrase, couldn’t lead an army of ants to a melting Hershey Bar.

But the saddest thing of all is that, despite their erratic and incompetent campaign, if it were not for the economic crisis, McCain might still be riding his post-convention, Maverick bump, possibly on his way to victory. It took an economic meltdown, along with his incompetent response, to get it through the heads of the thick-minded public that perhaps these Republicans might not have their best interests at heart. It’s true that you can fool enough of them enough of the time. Wave a few flags, put the fear of God into them over Stalin and Lenin moving next door and setting up a gay household, and most often they’ll give you their vote.

But perhaps this one time we’ve seen a reverse shock doctrine, where a catastrophe caused people not to suspend reason, but to finally employ it. Eight years of disastrous Republican rule couldn’t do it. A miscreant of a war. Katrina. A litany of scandals. They still wouldn’t budge in large enough numbers. But pick their pockets, kick them out of their homes, and bankrupt their 401ks and then you’ve got trouble. Then you’ve got a public that might start to think enough to turn a few red states blue. It may just be a sad fact of American life that perhaps the only thing that can trump American stupidity and gullibility is good old American self-interest.  

Thursday, October 23, 2008

JOE THE PLUMBER AND JOE SIX PACK TO MARRY


In a revelation bound to send shock waves through the already battered, bruised, and flailing McCain campaign, Joe Six Pack and Joe the Plumber have confided to friends that they have fallen in love and intend to marry. The two Republican campaign symbols met at a recent rally and confessed that there were immediate sparks they simply couldn’t deny.

“The Joes,” as they’re now being called, stated that they plan to fly to San Francisco and officially tie the knot just as soon as Joe the Plumber settles his difficulties with the IRS and Joe Six Pack comes out of rehab and beats that bullshit, misdemeanor battery charge trumped up by his ex-wife, that vindictive bitch, as revenge for some pictures she found on his computer where she had no business looking.

When asked by reporters for a response, Republican VP contender Sarah Palin wished the Joes the best of luck and offered to give either groom away at the wedding. Then moments later, after consulting with campaign advisors, she issued a follow-up statement, saying: “The sanctity of marriage and our American way of life is at stake and I call on all Americans to condemn this unholy union as a ‘life to nowhere‘.”

Also reached for comment, Joe Lunchpail, who affirmed his belief that: “Marriage is between a man and a woman, not an average citizen and a fictional amalgam of working-class Americans concocted to create the illusion that the party of the rich and privileged is somehow on the side of working people.

With less than 2 weeks to go before the Nov. 4 election, and the polls lining up against them, McCain advisors are looking into developing a new symbol for their campaign. Among the leading contenders are Joe Camel, G.I. Joe, Joe Buck, Tailgunner Joe, Joe Biden, and in an effort to win over ethnic voters, Joe Mama.

Finally reached for his comment, Senator McCain issued a terse statement, simply saying: “Oh, for fuck sake, I’m out of bullshit. Somebody give me a beer.“

Monday, October 20, 2008

JOE THE INTELLECTUAL


I am a college educated, white collar worker. I live in a major American city and I love my country. Not that empty-headed, flag-waving, drop a tear during the national anthem love, but the more profound love that is based in the knowledge that, despite the abuses of power to which it often succumbs, Democracy is the one form of government that leads to the greatest good for the greatest number.

I also understand that democracy is a political system and capitalism is an economic system and while they tend to work well together, giving health care to all Americans, or lowering the taxes of less fortunate Americans, doesn’t turn us socialist. It turns us compassionate. It turns us American.

I know that John McCain is waging a dishonest, dishonorable campaign, and that his pet demigoguette is not fit to give eye tests at the Anchorage DMV, let alone inherit the Oval Office. She speaks in sound bites -- talking loud, saying nothing. I take as an intellectual affront the McCain campaign’s attempt to trick the public with faux outrage over one fake issue after another. His phony high dudgeon is painfully transparent. But I know that he has no cards left to play, no strategy left to employ other than to fire up the baser emotions of the idiot vote. The morons at his rallies holding Osama Bin Lyin’ signs, and shouting “traitor” at the mention of Obama’s name, not understanding that the volume of their voices is inversely proportional to the subtlety of their thinking.

But the McCain campaign knows that they only need to fool some of these people some of the time; in fact, just about the amount of time it takes to pull a voting lever. Because these are not people who think or analyze. They are people who demonize. Too stupid to appreciate the confluence of factors that contribute to a political, social, or economic problem, they can be lead by a lone maniac’s invective against a personified root cause. They are at home in a black and white world of good guys and bad guys. Angels and devils. Us and them.

But that is not my world. I am too smart to be fooled or frightened into giving you my vote. I will not be lead around by fear or negative emotions. I am liberal. I am smart. I am cultured. And you, Senator McCain are about to feel the righteous indignation of the thinking class.

So fuck you and the MILF.  

I am Joe the intellectual.

Monday, October 13, 2008

DAVID FRUM ON RACHEL MADDOW: RELEASING HIS INNER SCUMBAG

One of the rituals of politically oriented talk shows is the occasional appearance of someone from the other side, either to explore another dimension of an important issue, or to present the illusion of impartiality. One such appearance tonight was that of former Bush speechwriter David Frum  on Rachel Maddow’s show, ostensibly to talk about Republican reaction to the current state of the McCain campaign.

Yet, right out of the gate, Frum took off on the subject of the hate speech wafting off the campaign to attack Maddow for being part of the problem, alleging that there has been an “intensification of some of the ugliness that has been a feature of American politics in the last 8 years, and this show, itself, is unfortunately an example of that problem with its levity and sarcasm and seeming disregard for a lot of the substantive issues that really are important.”

While taken aback at the unexpected attack on her personally and on her show, Maddow handled herself with class, trying to get at the substance of Frum’s attack, asking if he somehow equated sarcasm and the occasional smile with the vitriol coming from recent GOP rallies. However, and this is one difference between the parties that even goes to way this election is shaping up, she didn’t tell him to “shut up.” She didn’t scream for a producer to “cut off his mike.” Both in style, and in substance, she negated his argument by her civil, substantive reaction. She did not name-call. She calmly stated her strong disagreement with his assertion while asking for clarification.

Going on to ask him about the Ayers attacks and the resulting fury from the crowd, Frum retorted: “If John McCain were making threats of violence that would be really bad” -- a statement that is either idiotic in its naivete or na├»ve in its idiocy. McCain and Palin have set the table for these outbursts with their attacks and then committed the sin of omission by not truly quelling them. Sort of like standing outside the Reichstag holding a gas can, and calmly suggesting that someone might want to call the fire department. And Maddow made this point, though without the Reichstag reference. She did it without lowering herself to name-calling, nor did she comment on his pissy, snide, and patronizing attitude.

Eventually, the discussion veered back to the election, with Frum admitting, not necessarily in these terms, that his party was about to get reamed, steamed, and dry cleaned. The problem, for Frum, was that because of the ineptitude of the McCain campaign, not only the party, but the country will pay the price with a Democratic president and Congress, which will lead to some “very destructive changes.” As opposed to what’s actually happened over the last 8 years? So he’s not really upset with the sorry state of the world. He’s upset that his party is losing and that the Democrats could gain control and really fuck things up because they don’t seem to understand the threats we face.

It was a contradiction apparently lost on Frum that taking a snide tone while calling out someone for not engaging in a more adult debate is a bit of a contradiction. As well, someone who worked as a Bush speechwriter has a small credibility problem when it comes to calling for more honesty and integrity in public debate. And, fyi to Frum: one of the reasons Maddow’s show has been such a success is that she does talk substance. She’s intelligent. She’s fair. And she’s gracious. And, as for the sarcasm, the reason it lands is that is an expression of the righteous indignation felt by most Americans because of the outrageous mendacity that has been SOP for the GOP over the last 8 years. At some point, it’s your only weapon. It’s either laugh or cry. And as for your fear that if Maddow’s type of lethal sarcasm were to proliferate the Republicans would have to take a reactive approach and return it in kind? Holy shit, man. Have you never seen Fox News? All they’re missing are armbands.

Much like your current, wounded President and Presidential nominee, even in defeat, you people just can’t show any class. You want to raise the level of the debate as you claim to be doing in your own small way? Then go on a show and call out your nominee and his laughingstock of a running mate for the Hail Mary hate bombs they’re throwing and do it more civilly, instead of being such a dick. It might go a long way toward making your case. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

McFAUST

Like many Democrats and other Educated-Americans, my soul has ached during the 8-year rule of the boy king. 8 years of an intellectually and morally challenged president and his cadres of misanthropes, underachievers, dirty tricksters, and other assorted villains, thieves and scoundrels. So perhaps the single aspect of the McCain/Palin ticket that is most repugnant, and it is repugnant  on so many levels, is the prospect of returning people of similar moral bankruptcy and bad intent to positions of power.

But that is the political process. After 8 years of nucular winter, we now have to endure more smugness and stupidity excreted from the mouth of Sarah Gump. But I guess Democracy is also like a box of chocolates: you never know what you’re gonna get. The same wave that carrries in an FDR also vomits up flotsam like Nixon, Agnew, or Palin. The same open process that gave us Eugene McCarthy, also gave us Joe McCarthy.

And while the polls and momentum have shifted toward Obama, the resulting behavior on the Republican side leads one to ask the same question of McCain that was once posed to Joe McCarthy: Have you no decency? And the answer, apparently, is no. Like a cornered, wounded animal, he will do anything to survive. He’s out of legitimate options. He can’t run on leadership, as his erratic behavior, grandstanding stunts, and regulation/deregulation flip-flops during the recent financial crisis made him look like Sybil trying to decide on a personality. Much like Richard Gere’s character at a dramatic moment in An Officer and a Gentleman, John McCain has “nowhere else to go.” All he’s got left is the race card. And he’s now shown his willingness to play it. To reach out and stoke that ember of fear and bigotry that still lingers in this country like an elusive cancer cell. Not that he’ll come right out and say it. That would be undignified. The low-standard bearer in this effort is his political trophy wife, Chatty Cathy. Just load in the phrases, pull the string, and she’ll say anything.

Witness the dishonorable discharge dripping out of the campaign. “He’s not one of us.” “He doesn’t see America like you and me.” “Barrack Hussein.” “He’s pallin’ around with terrorists.” “He’s different.” “He has a funny name.” (“Don’t trust the black guy. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.”) Look at the hatred it engenders from the crowds. And watch the candidates smirk as they do nothing to quell it. Because they want it. This is shameful. Yes, politics is a dirty business. But this should be beneath us.

It is sad, in a way, to witness someone’s descent into the abyss as he becomes his own agent of intolerance. Yet, to paraphrase the senator: the fundamentals of our democracy are strong. The system has weathered the storms of demagoguery from the Joe McCarthys and Nixons and been able to right itself. I suppose that’s why Churchill said that democracy was the worst form of government…except for all the rest. But democracy is only as stable as the hands in which its been entrusted at any given moment in history. Hopefully, it will be placed in Barack Obama’s hands. And whatever Faustian bargain McCain’s struck that’s lead him to eschew honor and decency to win at all costs will become a matter for him and his shrink, his bartender, or his croupier.

 

Friday, October 3, 2008

THE SCHLOCKY MOM

For Republicans to celebrate with the rallying cry: "She didn't fuck up!" is more than a little sad. Last night was the Senator from Delaware vs. the Governor from Stepford. She grinned like an idiot. Trotted out the folksy, aw shucks bullshit. It was all false and contrived. From her initital handshake, she was simply following orders. The only thing she was missing was a moonshine jug, a washboard, and some overalls.

She tried to land that same talking point about Obama voting to raise taxes on people making 42k. Every time she or McCain tries it the other side beats it back. But they don't stop. Repeat a lie enough times, it'll get legs.

She yanked out that "negotiating with our enemies without preconditions" as if it was tantamount to treason, though no one bothers to define what that means. In terms of negotiating with enemies, I'm surprised Biden didn't mention that Condi Rice recently sat down with Khadafi, the Saddam of his day, without the precondition of having him pay reparations to the families who lost loved ones in Locherbie.

Another snide comment that didn't even draw flack when she characterized Obama's tax plan as a "redistribution of wealth." Unless I'm wrong, wasn't that the first cut on the Greatest Hits of Karl Marx album? Was she giving a little shout out to the lunatic fringe, Michigan militia types?

And talking about pulling out of Iraq as "the white flag of surrender" is just jingoistic nonsense. I wish he'd called her on a naive interpretation of a complex issue. Somehow we have to get beyond the "winning and losing" mentality if we're going to have an intelligent, informed discussion. It's not WWII. But they must figure it's red meat for the base.

She followed her instructions not to answer a question she didn't want to answer. Just spit back talking points. Though noticeable by their absence, no "no thanks on the bridge to Nowhere." No "sold the plane on Ebay." Meet the new lies, same as the old lies. I was glad Biden tried to debunk that Maverick bullshit. Where do you get the balls to refer to yourself as a "maverick" unless you're James Garner and played one on TV?

I thought it was very telling that when she went to her party rally afterward, she inititated the "U.S.A! U.S.A! chant. When in doubt, wave the flag and get the group mentality going. It allows you to speak without saying anything.

In all, I didn't believe a word she said because she was just an actress off-book. She had no business being on the same stage with Biden, nor criticizing Obama. She's outclassed. And outgunned, intellectually. When Biden spoke, he spoke from experience. He had facts because he knows them and understands them. She regurgitated talking points and flashed that moronic grin because that's what she was programmed to do in the Republican lab where she was created. She is still the Miss Alaska contestant giving her "how I would make the world a better place" speech. She is Bush with lipstick and, so far, it seems the public isn't buying the bullshit.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

PALIN VS. BIDEN: GET...READY...TO...STUM-BLE!!!

There’s an old joke about a guy’s wife walking in on him in bed with another woman. When confronted, the guy denies it, saying: “who are you going to believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?” It’s with the same degree of reality-denying hubris that Sarah Palin strides into tonight’s debate, as if any snarky remarks or any degree of post-debate spin can undo all the babbling, the lies, and the childishly amateur evasion when she simply doesn’t have the knowledge or experience to answer a direct question.

 

They can piss and moan about gotcha journalism. Trick questions. Nobody busted her. Not Charlie Gibson. Not born-again journalist Katie Couric. Sarah the Moose Killer outed herself, not by choice, but simply because that’s who she is. A small timer who tried to inject her brand of  gooey charm and folksy nonsense into an arena where the future of the world hangs in the balance. A minor league ballplayer with dreams of the big show but none of the talent.

 

But still that doesn’t stop the news chatter. How will she do? How will it play? Will she trip up? Will she recapture that Klondike charm that so endeared her to the nitwit base? Will Biden get too tough and make it seem like he’s picking on her? Nothing like a little reverse sexism to start off the most important vice presidential debate in recent history.

 

They can and will analyze this all night long. But it doesn’t matter how she does tonight. It’s not a football game in the sense that, on any given Thursday, any candidate can outdebate any other candidate. We don’t have to wait for the results to see who she is. It’s absolutely clear who she is. A campaign gimmick. A petty bureaucrat with a voice so shrill it could shatter glass who’s been swept up in a wave of self-delusion to think she belongs where she is. Now, the McCain campaign is, I’m sure, already declaring victory so they can trot out the “she’s a maverick” line of bullshit they had at the convention and run with it again, as if it could whitewash the last few weeks and give them new legs. Or maybe they’ve just boxed themselves into a corner where dumping her would’ve proven too risky so they’re stuck, and just hope to get through this with as little bloodletting as possible so they can try to revive their faltering campaign as the Obama tidal wave rolls in against them.

 

Maybe she’ll get through it tonight without looking like a fool. Maybe she’ll get off a couple of over-rehearsed cutesy remarks and hold up a big foam finger, look to camera and shriek: “I’m going to Disneyland!” It doesn’t matter. It’s not the best four out of seven World Series. It’s the Super Bowl. It’s already been played. And she’s already lost. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A RESPONSE TO THE HILLARY SUPPORTER WHO COMMENTED ON MY PREVIOUS POST.

I am writing this off the top of my head so I don't have Obama's CV in front of me, nor am I going to look it up. I'm just going to go off of what I know, and off my impressions of the man. 

First off, what qualifies someone to be President? Years of government service? Governorship of a state? A stellar military record? Or is it just the individual? Not to be snarky, because if Hillary had won I would've happily supported her, but what were her unique qualifications? From the moment she carpetbagged her way to NY I knew she was running for the White House. But I figured that was fine, Bobby Kennedy did it. Has she spend that many more years in the senate than Obama? And how long was JFK in the senate before he ran? And before that? She was First Lady. Is that a qualification? It would certainly be a first. 35 years experience? C'mon, that was campaign hype, but it didn't matter to me because I knew she was smart. Ok, ambitious, but what politician isn't? And she's tough. Frankly, there are times I think Obama should've chosen her and made the ticket sexier, and more of a juggernaut. But then McCain would've chosen Mitt or someone like him and it would've been the two white guys against the chick and the black guy and they would've framed their attack differently. 

Now, I'm far from a presidential historian but let's go back to the question: what qualifies someone to be President? Years of government service? By that measure, Strom Thurmond would've been sensational. Also gave us Bush I. Governor of a state? Reagan, Carter, and Clinton. Military record? Eisenhower. Ulysses Grant. Whether you think those were successful presidencies probably depends on your political stripes. 

As for Obama himself. He's a lawyer. Editor of the Harvard Law Review and a professor of Constitutional Law. That makes him someone who has knowledge of and, in theory, respect for the law. (I think Nixon was a lawyer, so...) Obama also worked in the community when he could've cashed in that degree for Wall Street. Was he building his street cred or just doing good works? Years in the Illinois state senate, followed by his term in the U.S. senate. To me that makes him knowledgeable about how the system works which was eventually Lyndon Johnson's chief weapon as president, which helped him push through many JFK programs. But beyond that I think it's just the intelligence he demonstrates and compassion and basic human decency he exudes. It's beyond simple eloquence. I believe he is a person of his word. All of which, after the last 8 years is a refreshing change. 

Which takes me to one last point: maybe it's just the right person for the times. Eisenhower fit the 50s post-war boom. Though one might question his choice of VP. Some presidents unite, as Roosevelt did in his time. Others, like Nixon, stir flames of discontent and divide. Again, a piss poor VP choice. Ford. Right man to heal the wounds of Watergate. A decent guy, so it seemed. Carter, again a Nixon backlash, and someone who still doesn't get the credit he deserves, at least for the Camp David Accords and trying to heal the Middle East. It takes a statesman to look beyond present hostilities and try to do the unthinkable to solve a fundamental problem. Reagan? A joke or the man who ended the Cold War, depending on your pov. Clinton? No national experience but, other than the obvious, an intelligent, forceful leader. The last 8 years have sucked the blood out of the country. I think Obama is a healer.

In short, that's why I support him. I don't think there's a model resume for the job. It's a combination of background, education, intelligence, grasp of the issues, vision, ability to communicate, toughness, compassion, honesty, and basic human decency. To me, those are his qualifications that go beyond the number of years he's been in the senate or the specific bi-partisan bills he's drafted or supported. By that measure, I think he could be a great president. And by the same measure, McCain would be 8 more years of disaster. 

And, finally, a related afterthought: Could you imagine the campaign Rove and Company would have run if they were campaigning against an 8-year Democratic incumbent with the Bush record? It would've been like a school of Piranha devouring a pig... with lipstick.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

THE AMERICRAT!

GOP show horse, Sarah Palin’s recent gaffe-fest proved two things: one: it’s hard out there for a simp. And two:

SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED TO BE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

Still, it seems Mr. and Mrs. Maverick ain’t gonna blink. Instead, she’s been whisked off into the witless protection program and ensconced at her pimp’s crib in Arizona, where she crams for Thursday’s debate, surrounded by handlers, being spoon fed facts and talking points, all under the proud and watchful eye of Johnny Mac, who proved two things in choosing her as a running mate: that he’s got brains the size of peanuts and balls the size of planets. Meanwhile, the Repug flacks have taken to the public highways to set the bar so low that unless she walks onstage wearing a Che Guevara T shirt and takes a dump on the flag, her performance will be declared a raging success. And with days to go, the dominant news chatter is all about how she’ll do, toe-to-toe with Joe Biden. Will she be able to express herself coherently? Will she hold her own? Will she be able to demonstrate a command of the issues and challenges facing our great nation? But the truth is: it doesn’t matter how she does, because…

SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED TO BE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

They could coach her from now until the end times. They could mind-meld her with Christiane Amanpour, Madeline Albright, Doris Kearns Goodwin, and the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt, Barbara Jordan, and Golda Meir…She could come out Thursday night scatting the Constitution, along with the collected works of Arnold Toynbee, John Kenneth Galbraith, and Benjamin Franklin, while armpit-farting the Stars and Stripes, and twirling red, white and blue flaming batons, with a piccolo stuck up her ass playing the Star Spangled Banner, while tap dancing morse code coordinates of Bin Laden’s hideout, waving semaphore flags articulating Justice Warren’s majority decision in Brown v. Topeka Board of Education, then toss off her glasses, shake out her hair and rip off her dress revealing a Wonderwoman suit, spin around in mid air then burst into flames and explode in a July 4th fireworks finale while shooting red, white and blue triplets out of her vagina, who spin in the air and land one on top of another with the top one holding lady liberty’s torch and wearing her crown, while Sarah lands on her feet behind the podium and, in a final flourish, brings peace to the Middle East and cures Cancer… And it still wouldn’t matter because…

SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED TO BE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

But, you know, who am I to judge? So, best of luck. Give ‘em hell. Break a leg, shoot a moose, or whatever they say up there. And fyi, it’s pronounced mah-MOOD ah-mad-in-uh-ZHAAD.

 

 

Friday, September 26, 2008

SAY GOODNIGHT, GRACIE. (WITH APOLOGIES TO GRACIE ALLEN)

Bye, Sarah. After the latest Katie Couric interview/non sequitir festival, Ms. Squawking Points has officially outed herself as way too much of an imbecile to keep on the ticket. Even with those furtive glances down at her cheat sheets, she still couldn’t cobble together a coherent response to any question, let alone the one asked by Ms. Couric about the bailout. “It’s the economics…and the job creation…and the trade…which we can’t look at as scary…” Holy fucking crap. Unless McCain’s handlers are equally as imbecilic, which is possible but not likely, they must realize the spin cycle on this one is broken and there’s no time to call tech support or send her back to the factory. She’s gone before the Veep debate.

 

There’s no way in hell they’re not behind closed doors crafting her exit strategy. Among the choices: family emergency, sick kid, husband has heart attack, most likely at the same Alaska hospital where she gave birth. But, I don’t think they’ll go this way. It’s too thin. I think the only way here is to destroy her. The evidence is already floating on the periphery: Troopergate, the bridges and roads to Nowhere, her friend the witch doctor, I see Russia from my house, the alleged affair with the husband’s co-worker, the Miss Alaska swimsuit footage. Instead of pushing it away as unsubstantiated allegations, tawdry rumor and cheap shots, they just have to take the opposite approach and subtly allow it to get to the forefront while offering the illusion of a defense. Just get out the evidence and let the media poke holes in the boat. Then, once she’s good and debased, debunked, and humiliated, other than from opening her mouth and attempting to speak sentences that attach to one another to form coherent thoughts, she will withdraw from the ticket for the good of the party and the country. There’s no way they put her in the room with Biden. It’s suicide. Which would be fine with me. Kill the monsters any way you can. But these people are not suicidal. Evil. Just not suicidal. 

 

The question is: who’s the replacement and what’s the new story? Giuliani? The two tough guys hit the road? Keeping America safe? No, he scares people. Lieberman? No. Even though they’ve been holding hands all week in D.C., he’s still a Jew and other than as bit players in The End Times Theatre production of Apocalypse Soon, the base don’t like Jews. Huckabee? Possible. Though I think it’s Romney. Former governor, so he’s got the experience thing. Mormon, which sort of covers the base. But most of all, the business thing. With the economy going to shit, and Johnny Mac’s economic credibility as thin as Freddie Mac’s, he’ll bring on the business guy, who can talk economics. Plus, he’s got relative youth, hair, the big Osmond-looking family. The picture will work. And he’s already been on the big stage. No learning curve. He’s ready to lie on Day 1.

 

So…bye, Sarah. Have a nice trip back to Alaska. The wolves will be nervous. But the rest of us may rest a bit easier. Though, I would’ve given anything to see the debate. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

SENATOR MCCAIN: YOU WERE RIGHT TO SUSPEND YOUR CAMPAIGN. YOU SHOULD SUSPEND IT. PERMANENTLY.

Senator McCain: At this point, only two things are possible: you know exactly what you’re doing, in which case you’re the most arrogant, calculating, power mad son of a bitch ever to strut upon the national stage. Or, you don’t know what you’re doing in which case you have absolutely no business running for President. Either way, you’re starting to embarrass yourself. So why not just quit? Concede the election. Spare us the pain of having to sweat out the results and spare your advisors the pain of trying to figure out how to rig them. The country has suffered enough the past 8 years. We’re hurting. If you’re truly a patriot, let it go. Senator Obama can take it from here. He’s smart. He’s ready. And he remembers what he stands for. Imagine how relaxing it would be not to have to remember all those talking points and irritating facts, like knowing one country from another, when you were a regulator or deregulator. Or even when you were regular, for that matter. You don’t know what you’re for or against from one day to the next but yet you bellow and bleat your opinions and pound your fist with equal ferocity for completely contradictory assertions. (Fyi, when you break out in that insane smile, it makes my 5-month-old son bust out crying, so you’re already frightening the next generation of voters.) Before it all gets any more degrading, quit. Retire to one of your 9 houses and tend one of your 9 gardens. I imagine you like gardening. Or take a drive in one of your 13 cars. Or better yet, go on a fact-finding mission back to Vietnam and see if you can find your honor ‘cause if the way you’ve conducted your campaign is any indication, apparently that’s the last time you had it. So, enough. Just quit. And send that combination frontier hooker, Stepford wife and born again house plant back to Alaska before she even gets close to Washington. The stakes are too high. And she’s not qualified to wield power in Washington. She’s not qualified to visit Washington. She’s not qualified to see a movie with Denzel Washington.  That you actually selected this snarky, avaricious petty bureaucrat as your running mate, and then tried to convince anyone who’s ever been within spitting distance of an original thought or the most rudimentary powers of observation that she was qualified to hold national office demonstrates an irresponsibility bordering on treason, as her ascendance to that position would most certainly give aid and comfort to our enemies. Or maybe just hysterical fits of laughter. (Is that your plan to get Bin Laden? Have him laugh himself to death?) Please stop. Your party has circled the wagons and has begun shooting at each other. Stop the bleeding. Don’t debate. Don’t fundraise. Don’t campaign. Stop running these disgusting commercials before they devolve any deeper into the mud. The Congress will sort out this financial mess without you. Go home. Putter around the house. If it gets you off, fire a cook or a driver. You know, people you actually can fire. If you need to keep a hand in local politics, write an angry letter to the local paper about potholes or long lines at the DMV. On July 4th you can get one of those boater hats and be the grand marshall in a local parade. You like to wave at people. Or, if you feel you have unfinished business in politics, wait until Bush’s term is over and go kick him in the nuts for swiftboating you 8 years ago when maybe you had enough dignity to run an honorable campaign. But now it’s time to stop. At some point we all have to come to terms with the fact that we might not realize all our ambitions. You must be tired. Take a well-earned rest.  Before it just gets sad. For all of us. 

Thursday, September 4, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: DERANGED OLD MAN LOOSE IN ST. PAUL ARENA!

Dressed in an ill-fitting suit, sporting craggy yellow teeth and pale skin, obviously from a lack of proper hygiene and exposure to the sun, a seemingly delirious old man staggered out in front of a large crowd at a local arena and began ranting about the state of the country and the world. The obviously confused senior unleashed a torrent of harsh attacks against some imaginary foe, frightening several children as well as a nearby pregnant teenager.

 

Onlookers speculate the old man had possibly gone out for a stroll and forgotten where he lived, most likely some nearby assisted living facility. Traditionally, this is the kind of thing one sees on the streets of major cities, given the amount of old age homes that have been closed due to government cutbacks.

 

The erratic behavior continued for about 45 minutes in front of an amused Caucasian crowd too nervous to subdue him. At times, they even encouraged him with spontaneous bursts of applause, which seemed to mollify the old gentleman, as he broke out in a eerie,  self-satisfied grin. Finally, several younger women came along who seemed to know him, one possibly a relative of some kind and the other most likely his nurse or health care professional, judging from her bookish demeanor and dark glasses. The women both flashed big, friendly smiles and waved to the crowd. The old man followed their lead and waved, at which point the crowd cheered and he was eventually lead away. One hopes by this time he’s safely back at his home, or the home, enjoying a spirited game of checkers and a nice cup of tea to wash down his Lithium. 

DEAR AMERICA: FAT, DRUNK AND STUPID IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE.

America, how badly do you have to be lied to and abused by the Republican Party before you finally realize they don’t give a shit about you? They’re about money and power – everything you’re not.

And elections are about holding on to power so they can make more money and they will run whatever angry son-of-a bitch, along with whatever crook or pleasant-looking incompetent they can dig up, as long as it plays to the middle class fears of the day, whether it’s higher taxes, ethnic people streaming over the border, or gay people moving next door.

Their elections are misdirections. Fear and bigotry under a waving flag. And, all too often, you buy the bullshit and the spin. And, more often than not, we all live to regret it. You don’t think so? How’d the last 8 years work out for you? An incompetent at the helm of a faltering economy, higher unemployment, a staggering national debt, a mortgage crisis, Enron, Katrina, the Justice department scandal, the Abramoff scandal, the Valerie Plame scandal. And a trillion-dollar trumped up war, thousands of Americans dead. Many thousands wounded. Millions of Iraqis dead and/or displaced. A country in ruin. All based on lies, and deceit.  But they’ve smartened up from the lessons of Vietnam. They’ve learned not to show the caskets coming home on the evening news. Because that would upset you.

            And yet, despite the abuse of the last 8 years, your response is: “Thank you, sir, may I have another!?” Are you really so blind that you can’t see that McCain, the shake-up-the-government maverick is engulfed by lobbyists and has now successfully sucked up to the fanatical right by picking Marian the Alaskan Librarian, his very own agent of intolerance, the female Quayle, as his running mate, who could theoretically be one malfunctioning defibrillator away from the most powerful job on Earth? Can you really look at this person, this snarky, petty bureaucrat, and feel that she is the most capable Vice Presidential running mate he could find? Man or woman? Are you really that pleased with the notion of her sitting behind that desk in the oval office? Pick your hero: Eisenhower, Reagan… Palin?? Are you that dim that you can’t see that this is no more than a stunt to win an election? (And who cares about the teenage daughter? Mom wants to make abstinence only work in the country. Hell, she couldn’t even make it work in her own house.)

These people have made their careers off the fact that you can be convinced that the party of wealth and privilege is manned by just plain folks who are on your side. Really? How many corporate CEOs live in your neighborhood? Still, some multi-millionaire frat boy or crusty war vet with rolled up sleeves sucks down a beer and a hot dog at the country fair and you gobble up their sincerity like a happy meal. And, all the while, the Karl Roves of the world laugh at your gullibility. Your malleability. Your inability to separate fact from propaganda, which you are fed by an army of media goons: O’Reilly. Hannity. Limbaugh. Savage. Malkin. Medved. Drudge. Dobbs. Beck. Novak. Hate mongering hiding in the Trojan horse of journalism and free speech. They have crafted an intellectual Disneyland with slogans disguised as thoughts. (“The surge has worked!” Just say it over and over and they’ll believe it.)

Meanwhile, like entertaining a puppy with a ball, they keep you occupied with phony passion over fake issues, to the point that you’ve become suspicious of intelligence. That you mistake compassion for weakness. Thoughtfulness for indecisiveness. Where electing a President isn’t about judging a candidate’s vision and intelligence. Now it’s just a Jesus litmus test with a sidebar of flagpins. But that’s ok. As long as the gays don’t marry.

For once: be smart. Look at them for who they are. Rich, powerful people whose only motivation is money and power. And they will screw the poor and the middle class four ways from Sunday to get it. And keep it.  

Friday, August 29, 2008

UNCLE POTUS


He can power a light bulb by sticking it in his mouth, thus demonstrating his energy policy. Her husband's a fisherman; Jesus was a fisherman, so that's all they need to say about that. Luckily, when the phone rings at 3 am, she’ll be up breastfeeding so they won’t have to wake her to take the call. She doesn’t really know what the VP does, so she’ll be open to new ideas…other than evolution. And the bulk of her political experience has been governing salmon.
 
John McCain: a man with his finger on the corpse of America.
 










SARAH PALIN: ONE IRREGULAR HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE PRESIDENCY.


Ok, so McCain's ready to lead on Day 1. 

And what if he has a fatal heart attack on Day 2? President Palin? 

So much for putting America first. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

SATAN TO SPEAK AT REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

On the heels of announcing its preliminary list of speakers, including such Republican notables as Rudy Giuliani, Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman, the RNC issued a press release stating that Satan will deliver a major address at the upcoming convention. Furthering its stated goal of having the list of speakers  “showcase the diversity of the Republican Party,” the latest addition of Lucifer will add that final dimension of pure evil.

The horned one’s speech will lay out the Republican Party platform, which includes: continuing the Iraq war for 100 years, bombing Iran, re-igniting a cold war fear of Russia, plunging the nation further into debt, buggering the Earth until it bleeds oil into the oceans, not fixing McCain’s teeth so that his smile frightens newborn infants back into their mothers’ wombs, fucking the poor and middle class until they’re jobless, homeless, and hopeless, passing a Constitutional amendment defining marriage as something that may only occur between a man and a woman, or a woman and a closeted gay Republican, renaming Gitmo “Motel 666,” and generally continuing the Bush administration’s march toward Armageddon, at which point the righteous will be spirited up to Heaven and Hell will be overrun with Jews buying up all the good real estate and forming their own country clubs. The conclusion of his speech will be marked by the ceremonial red, white, and blue balloons, carried in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with Laura Bush riding side saddle.     

The announcement has fueled rumors that the Prince of Darkness is on McCain’s short list of V.P. contenders. However, when reached for comment, a Satanic spokesman put those rumors to rest, stating “the unholy one has no aspirations for the position. Besides, who could top Cheney?” He then added, “The devil has no desire to relocate. Living in hell is scary enough. He’s not ready to move to D.C. “

Thursday, July 24, 2008

MCCAIN CONFIDES TO ANONYMOUS CAMPAIGN SOURCE: "I'M VOTING FOR OBAMA."

According to a campaign source intimately close with the Republican presumptive nominee, John McCain is weary from the many months of campaigning and privately admits that he’d rather just give up and vote for Obama. According to the well-placed source, McCain confided: “I give up. I can’t win this thing. Hell, I can’t keep my facts straight: Sunni from Shia, Iraq/Afghanistan borders, surge stats. It’s all just too much information and I can’t keep trotting out the “never surrender” hackneyed WWII-era bullshit. It’s a smokescreen and no one’s buying it. Besides, I can’t hurt Obama. He’s smart. He’s poised. He’s telegenic. He’s got an annoying command of the facts and a charisma I can’t touch. It’s Nixon/Kennedy all over again. I can’t nail him on flag pins. Inexperience. Can’t attach myself to the Bush record. Shit, only Charles Manson has a lower approval rating. I could pick Jindal as my Veep but that’d just look like I’m trying to pander. They’ve got an ethnic guy; I’ll get an ethnic guy. Besides, it’ll piss the hell out of the hicks. The Christians think I’m too liberal. I’m too old for the kids with their fancy internet. I’m too addled for the policy wonks and not pretty enough for the women. My hair’s gone, My teeth look like the Rocky Mountains made out of corn kernels. How the hell am I supposed to compete with Obama? Face it, the guy’s handsome. Got a smile that lights up a room and eyes that sparkle. Even the boys at Fox can’t bring him down with all that Hussein/Osama/Obama nonsense. And that twit poser Katie Couric couldn’t even throw him with the “surge is working” shit. CBS anchor, my ass. She should be hosting a cooking show. I can’t bring up race. Gays. Nobody cares about the Hanoi Hilton shit anymore. I’ve flip flopped positions so much the whole ‘straight talk’ thing is a joke. Frankly, I don’t even know whose ass to kiss. Nobody loves me but my lobbyists, a bunch of old Jews in Florida, some armadillos in Arizona, and my mother. And, frankly, she could be jiving me, too.  I can’t read off that prompter and deliver these scripted lines with fake passion and then force out a craggy smile. Every time I do it, it makes the babies cry. I’m sick of calling these crowds “my friends.” They’re not my friends. That’s just some handler’s idea to try to make me look folksy. Obama’s got the media dripping all over his every word up and down the Middle East while I’m trying to whip up support from a bunch of sub-educated, minimum wage shitkickers at a town hall meeting. It’s like a pep rally for retards. Screw it. He’s too good. Hell, even I’m going to vote for him. But now, I’m tired. I’m cranky. I need a nap. So, fetch me my comfy slippers, you c**t and make me a tuna sandwich. And this time cut the crusts off or I’ll slap the spackle right off your face.”

When asked to respond, a McCain spokesperson refused to comment on the quote, other than to say it was an obvious fabrication, as something like this couldn’t possibly have come from any source inside the campaign.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

SCREW THE EVANGELICAL VOTE!

Would someone who knows someone at CNN please pass on a request that they cease and desist from treating anything James Dobson says as news? This intellectual shitkicker may have puffed himself up enough to think he’s got enough moral highground to evaluate the authenticity of the candidates, but does CNN have to back up his bullshit by putting him on the air? Falwell may have gone and built himself a voting block once, but Falwell’s dead. And frankly he can take his flock with him. Let McCain lick the barbecue sauce off the jowls of the Robertsons, Hagees and Dobsons of the world, as he flip flops from calling them agents of intolerance to angels of support. In the best of all possible worlds, candidates and news organizations wouldn’t pander to the dumb vote. The moron vote. The ignorant vote. Instead they would say: screw ‘em.

Screw soliciting the opinions of anyone whose sense of values stems from the learnin’ they got at an institution as inherently oxymoronic as Bible College. Screw the literal-minded clods and their comically transparent efforts to wedge a pseudo science, whether it’s called Creationism or Intelligent Design into a school curriculum. Screw those whose brains have been washed from birth with notions of the Bible as history instead of metaphor and poetry, and who therefore can’t cipher their way to even the most simple of conclusions that if religion is to have any meaning at all, it must be grounded in compassion. Not intolerance. In knowledge. Not superstition. In morality. Not moralizing. In wisdom, not willful ignorance and blind obedience. Anyone… regardless of whether they call themselves Pastor or Reverend, and no matter how many million suckers are in their TV ministry… anyone who actually advances the notion that God wants you to vote Republican to protect the country against the abortionists and homosexuals should not be advising the electorate or counseling presidents. They should be strapped to a gurney in a sanitarium with a Lithium I.V.

How did this country become so colossally retarded? Sure, there will always be the lunatic fringe. The snake handlers and revival tent hucksters. But they belong on the fringe. Not playing host to presidential candidates. Or advising politicians. Or on CNN making any comment whatsoever that has to do with public policy. Unfortunately, that’s not our political reality. It’s clear Obama is reaching out for the evangelicals with words like values, and faith and family stitched into his latest speech. That’s fine. A vote’s a vote. And it should be obvious to anyone with ears that Obama is a moral man, which is why he may get many of those votes. But it’s not up to cartoon characters like James Dobson to evaluate the sincerity of his message. Nor is it the place of a news organization to stick him on TV as an authority, simply because morons listen to what he says. 

 

 

Friday, June 13, 2008

ASS CLOWN OF THE WEEK

WHAT, WAS "FIRST HO" TOO ROUGH?

UPDATE: Politico Reports that 

Fox addresses baby mama drama: Producer used "poor judgment"

Since Salon's Alex Koppelman caught Fox News characterizing Michelle Obama as "Obama's Baby Mama," there's been an uproar over use of such an offensive term.

"A producer on the program exercised poor judgment in using this chyron during the segment," said Fox's Senior Vice President of Programming Bill Shine, in a statement to Politico.

NO, "POOR JUDGMENT" IS ORDERING RED WINE WITH FISH. THIS IS SIMPLY MORE RACIST BULLSHIT FROM FUCKED NEWS. I GUESS THE TERRORIST FIST BUMP JUST DIDN'T LAND SO THEY NEED TO LOWER THE BAR A BIT FURTHER. WE ARE NOW OFF TO THE SWIFT BOAT RACES. 

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ORIGINAL REPORT:
As if implicating her as one half of a "terrorist...