On the heels of announcing its preliminary list of speakers, including such Republican notables as Rudy Giuliani, Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman, the RNC issued a press release stating that Satan will deliver a major address at the upcoming convention. Furthering its stated goal of having the list of speakers “showcase the diversity of the Republican Party,” the latest addition of Lucifer will add that final dimension of pure evil.
The horned one’s speech will lay out the Republican Party platform, which includes: continuing the Iraq war for 100 years, bombing Iran, re-igniting a cold war fear of Russia, plunging the nation further into debt, buggering the Earth until it bleeds oil into the oceans, not fixing McCain’s teeth so that his smile frightens newborn infants back into their mothers’ wombs, fucking the poor and middle class until they’re jobless, homeless, and hopeless, passing a Constitutional amendment defining marriage as something that may only occur between a man and a woman, or a woman and a closeted gay Republican, renaming Gitmo “Motel 666,” and generally continuing the Bush administration’s march toward Armageddon, at which point the righteous will be spirited up to Heaven and Hell will be overrun with Jews buying up all the good real estate and forming their own country clubs. The conclusion of his speech will be marked by the ceremonial red, white, and blue balloons, carried in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with Laura Bush riding side saddle.
The announcement has fueled rumors that the Prince of Darkness is on McCain’s short list of V.P. contenders. However, when reached for comment, a Satanic spokesman put those rumors to rest, stating “the unholy one has no aspirations for the position. Besides, who could top Cheney?” He then added, “The devil has no desire to relocate. Living in hell is scary enough. He’s not ready to move to D.C. “