I FEMBOT

The prerequisite for running for President is no longer experience in government, public service, or a background in the law. It’s publishing “your story,” and getting your face all over the media via the “book/pre-primary tour.” And in a long line of “throw your autobiography in the ring” tomes, comes Sarah Palin’s: Going Rogue: An American Life. It’s amazing how, in a few short months, she managed to knock off a 400-page book, take care of her growing family, and keep up her advanced civics and geography lessons, learning all the world capitals and the names of national leaders, while jetting off to Hong Kong to address that group of businessmen for a 6-figure payday. Though it went unreported in the press that when she arrived for her appointed talk, the stage had a pole on it, the businessmen had 100k in singles, and were already liquored up on Hennessy. No wonder the media was shut out.

But the publishers must be confident in her popularity, as they’re printing 1.5 million copies. Though one wonders why. Of all the people who like her enough to read her book, 75% don’t read, and the other 25% can’t read. Still, she will go on a book tour, where she will lay out her vision for America: less government, more guns, venison in every pot, and a pregnant teen in every garage-converted-into-a-spare-bedroom. She will talk about her small town upbringing. The life lessons she learned from being a pageant contestant. Her platonic relationship with Jesus. How she was treated unfairly by the media during the campaign when they persisted in asking her questions, constantly interrupting the recitation of her talking points as she’d memorized them. How she resigned from the governor’s job for the good of the people of Alaska, not realizing the unintended irony in that statement.

But it doesn’t matter what she writes, says or does. For all her ambitions to be America’s first PILF, it will never happen. Most sane people realize she is, as Carl Bernstein so succinctly put it, an “ignorant demagogue.” Someone who hasn’t let her incompetence and stupidity dampen her lust for power. But despite her twilight fantasy of the Wasilla Hillbillies gliding down Pennsylvania avenue on inauguration day on a dogsled, with Todd brandishing the whip and Sarah holding on behind, clutching the Down Syndrome kid in one hand and pageant-waving with the other, it will never happen. She’s just Sarah Sideshow. The homecoming queen in the GOP parade of lunatics, evolution deniers, Tea Baggers, birthers, deathers, along with their congressional enablers -- the Boehners, Canters, Grassleys, Gunslinger Joe Wilson, and Congressman Hairlip from Arizona, who collectively must turn the annual GOP congressional Christmas card photo into a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

But none of them will be the candidate. They’re just there for their scare value, until the GOP turns over its hole card: Joe Scarborough. He’s telegenic, a Congressional vet, political talk show host, fiscal conservative, yet not a social Neanderthal, and he’s already done the book. And he’s tall. And from Florida, a key state filled with scare-able old people. He will be the GOP’s great white hope for 2012, railing against the deficit and ballooning size of government. Unless the next few years show a marked upturn in the economy, more jobs, a coherent policy in Afghanistan, and meaningful health care reform, Scarborough will try to become Ronald Reagan to Obama’s Jimmy Carter, with a Veep choice that will mollify the base, a Pawlenty, or possibly a Jindal, so the GOP can show they’re down with the ethnics. And it could work, unless America gets back to work. We vote our pocketbooks. When America has a steady paycheck, the sideshow shit becomes less powerful. A recovering economy will be Obama’s best defense. And offense. If the job numbers go up, and the economy rebounds, Obama could pull out a Martian birth certificate, orchestrate a government takeover of the NFL, and declare homosexuality the new state religion, and he’d still have record poll numbers.

But Sarah won’t be in the mix. Still, I hope she enjoys the book tour. Though I won’t be buying a copy. The book I’m waiting for is Carrie Prejean: Profiles in Courage.

THE UNITED TAITZ OF AMERICA

When John Edwards said there were two Americas, he was making the point that this country is divided into the haves and have nots, based on money and opportunity. But based on the recent insane behavior on the extreme right, it seems he left out another element: intelligence.

There are two Americas. Smart America. And Dumb America. And Dumb America has been shrieking like a wounded animal, flailing away with one ignorant, ridiculous, histrionic claim after another. It’s like someone spiked the school punch with vodka and now the kids are raging all over the playground like drunken lunatics.

As someone who prefers to live in Smart America, I’m making a plea to the GOP: If there are any limited government, old-fashioned values, strong defense, low taxes, honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay- type Republicans left, please stand up for reason and sanity, and reclaim your party. Lose the logorrhea and the hysteria. Instead of privately trading on the insanity and fobbing it off as legitimate dissent, denounce the lunatics, and re-join the national debate.

And if you won’t, I have a second request: seceed. Take Rick Perry’s advice. Split. Carve out a humble plot of land somewhere within our borders, start your own country, and go be batshit crazy together.

You could even set it up like an old western town. Lou Dobbs as Mayor. Ted Nugent as Sheriff. Matt Drudge as his bumbling deputy. O’Reilly as the gunslinger. John Boehner as the shady gambler with a Derringer in his boot. Limbaugh as the sadistic, wealthy cattle rancher. Glenn Beck as the town drunk. Sarah Palin as the local schoolmarm. Pat Robertson as the preacher. And as for Coulter and Malkin; well, someone’s got to work the local whorehouse.

You can even take the national anthem. It’s a grating, unsingable song. We’ll get Stevie Wonder to pen something new. And name your new country whatever you like. Maybe The United Taitz of America. Or Dumbfuckistan.

Then we’ll build a wall between the countries. With a Disneyland-style sign at the border, reading: You have to be THIS intelligent to live in Smart America.

THE 9/12 D.C. CATTLE DRIVE

This past weekend tens of thousands of corpulent, toothless economists were herded to Washington to express their outrage over health care and the rising federal deficit, collectively experiencing two phenomena for the very first time: Protest. And walking.

Brandishing the obligatory Obama as Hitler signs alongside the “I break for gravy” bumper stickers, the event marked the first time in history this many fat white people gathered in a single location without the promise of football, free beer, stock cars, or Toby Keith.

Wheezing along the famed D.C. streets, blood red anger coursing through their sclerotic arteries, the protesters demanded their right as hard-working Americans to be dropped by their insurance companies when they get sick, and gouged by pharmaceutical companies for the Diabetes drugs they’ll soon need. They waved flags, honked horns, and shouted anti-government slogans, all as a way of venting their enlarged spleens over the prospect of the government improving the quality of their lives. Not since the 1929 Rose Bowl, when Roy “Wrong Way” Riegels ran a fumble back 65 yards, almost into his own team’s end zone, has so much energy gone into an effort so blatantly self-destructive.

But as they hoofed along the D.C. streets, snapping photos of famed government buildings, while scanning the side streets for the nearest Applebees, one couldn’t help but wonder: where was all this economic righteous indignation when the Clinton surplus became trillions flushed down the Iraq toilet? Where were Glenn Beck’s tearful fears for his country? Limbaugh’s Mr. Creosote-like explosive apoplexy? I don’t recall any anti-government outrage, then. I guess the leaders on the right were too busy screwing their mistresses for Jesus.

But for all the smugness and stupidity on parade, the venal spirit of the event was captured by a single sign, reading “Bury Obamacare with Kennedy.” Very nice. The man served over 45 years in the senate and he’s barely dead a week and this is where you want to take the debate? Fine. Get nasty. But you assholes are going to get some form of health insurance reform whether you like it or not? And maybe, just maybe, by the time you have your first heart attack at 37, the amount of the hospital bill or the fights with your insurance carrier over the enormous co-pay won’t give you a second heart attack.

Bury Obamacare with Ted Kennedy? I don’t think so. Maybe “Bury corporate greed, selfishness and stupidity with Ronald Reagan?” How’s it feel, fuckos?

THE SECRET SUBVERSIVE MESSAGES IN THE PRESIDENT'S BACK-TO-SCHOOL SPEECH

Hello, everyone –how’S everybOdy doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High SChool In Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from aLl across AmerIca, , kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you could all join uS today. I know for Many of you today IS the first day of sChOOL. And for those of you In kindergarten, or stArting Middle school or high school, it’s your first day in a new sChOOL, so it’s undERstandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine THere Are some seNiors out there who are feeling prettY gOod right now with jUst one moRe year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it was still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, y family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn't have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday - at 4:30 in the morning. 
Now I wasn't too hapPy About getting up that eaRly. A lot of timEs, I'd fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But wheNever I'd complain, my moTher would juSt give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

SO I knOw some of you are still adjusting to beiNg back in schooL. But I am here todaY because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here today because I want to taLk to you about your education, and what IS expecTEd of all of you iN This new schOol year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility. I’ve talked a lot about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you and pushing you to learn. I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your hoMEwork done, and don’t SPEND EVERY HOUR IN FRONT OF THE TV OR WITH THAT XBOX. I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t Working where students Aren’t getting the opportunitieS they deserve.

But at the eNd of The day we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the Best schools in the world – and none of it will matter UnlesS all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up at tHose schools; pAy aTentiOn to thOse teachers; Listen to your parents, your Grandparents and Other adults; and Put in the hArd woRk it takes to succEed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibiLity each Of you haS for your Education. I want to staRt with the responSibility you have to yourself. Every single one of you Has somEthing you’re good At. Every singLe one of you has someTHing to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourselves to disCover whAt that is. That’s the oppoRtunity an Education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe eveN good enOugh to Write a book, OR articles in a newspaper – but YOU might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you COULD be an innovator or an inventor, maybe even gooD enough to come up with the next IPhonE, or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you do with your life, I guarantee that you’ll need an educatioN tO do it. You want to be a DOCTOR, OR a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a NURSE or an architect, a lawyer, or a member of our military? You’re going to need an educaTiOn for every single one of those careerS. You cAn’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’VE got to work for it, and train for it, and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for YOUR own LIFE and your own future. What you make of your education will decIde nothing less than the Future of this country. What YOU’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest chalLenges In the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving sKills you learn in sciEnce and math to cure diseases like CANCER AND AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight POVERTY AND HOMELESSNESS, CRIME AND DISCRIMINATION, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you’ll deVelop in all your classes tO build new companies that will creaTE new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every sinGle one of you to develOP your talent, skills, and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems…

It goes on for a while, with more hidden Democratic propaganda, until the final …

Thank you…and GOD BLESS AMErica.

THE GOP STRATEGY: OPERATION MONKEYSHIT

The current debate over health care has nothing to do with health care, any more than the TARP debate was about the economy. This is about one thing and one thing only: the GOP’s apoplexy over losing power, and their pathological desire to get it back. They despise Obama’s popularity, they detest his intelligence, his compassion, even the smile on his face. This is 21^st-century Clinton hatred with a side order of racial resentment. Thinking there was ever any chance at bi-partisanship was as reality-challenged as picking up a rattlesnake thinking you could tame it as a house pet.

The GOP’s goal from the second the president took office was to bring him down. Their strategy: Operation Monkeyshit. Just like a monkey in the zoo will wildly fling his shit at tourists, the GOP started flinging their shit with the sole intention of diminishing the president’s popularity, tarnishing his image, and hurting his brand, all to lay the groundwork for the 2010 midterms and 2012 presidential elections. Tea parties. “Mortgaging our children’s future.” “The TARP didn’t work.” “Death panels.” “Killing grandma.” Birthers. “He’s going to take your guns and house terrorists in your neighborhood.” “He’s weakening the country.” “He’s going to give Bin Laden the keys to your city where he will take your job and sleep with your daughter.”

Now it’s the professional tailgaters in town halls holding Hitler signs, screaming about Fascism and Socialism -- as if they could either define those ideas, or spell them. It’s Rove 101. Take your opponent’s biggest strength and turn it into a weakness. John Kerry the veteran fabricated his injuries. Obama is Hitler.

Of course it’s insane, but getting out the hicks provides the sound bites for the party’s media flacks and congressional representatives to hit the talk shows and smugly fob off these contrivances as spontaneous expressions of national outrage, as opposed to insurance- and drug company-created street theater. As if a few hundred illiterate screamers in a nation of several hundred million constituted a popular uprising. People with legitimate concerns don’t reach for Hitler signs and mob chants as if the increased volume gave them some sort of collective higher intelligence. These are not outraged citizens. These are the great unwashed with too much free time on their hands, and access to their children’s crayons.

The GOP has no platform. They don’t care about the economy, unemployment, jobs, the deficit, the wars, or their cost either in dollars or human life. Just witness their current leader -- Mr. Potato Head look-alike, Michael Steele -- and his reaction to a woman in a wheelchair talking about her medical horror story. His response was pure Republicanism: disdain in the face of human suffering.

All these people care about is regaining power by diminishing the president’s image, and defeating his every initiative. And to accomplish that they will throw all the shit they have to. The health care debate is just the latest venue. But unless the President calls them out and takes them down in his speech to Congress, the shit-flinging will continue. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out too many times, historically, Democrats just don’t know how to fight. They think this is a dinner party discussion, faculty mixer, or a robust exchange at a debating society, where your opponent is the “loyal opposition.” This is not a debate. It’s not a salon. It’s a street fight.

Case in point: Dr. Ezekial Emanuel, recently replying to Palin’s comment tying him in to “Obama’s death panels” saying: “there’s no basis for that claim either in any of my writings or the legislation. It has no grounds in reality. It’s surreal and Orwellian, the idea that this legislation or my writings suggest that her son Trig shouldn’t get health care.”

His comment was eloquent. Passionate. And filled with the appropriate moral outrage. But “surreal,” and “Orwellian” are lost on the people who need to get the message. All Democrats, up to and including the president, have got to begin using the right words: these are lies. They’re not “gross exaggerations,” “myths,” “fantasies,” “fabrications,” or “hyperbole.” They’re lies. Lies so sinister that they’ve got the very people who might benefit from universal health care carrying signs and screaming what is essentially: “Don’t help us! Don’t give us choices! Let us suffer and die the way we were meant to – poor, destitute, and being denied coverage from our insurance companies!” (As a side note the town hall screamers, heed the sage advice of Dean Wormer: “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.”)

The glow of last November’s victory faded before anyone could get too intoxicated over a Democratic mandate, or lost in the illusion that the GOP was going to roll over and die. Sure, they lost, but only because they were sunk by the weight of their own incompetence as the economy careened toward a meltdown and McCain took out his trusty revolver and repeatedly shot himself in the foot. He tried the flag-waving bullshit: “The state of our economy is strong.” Didn’t work. He tried the patriot game: “I’m suspending my campaign for the good of the country.” Didn’t work. He stunt-casted a GOP MILF and smirky, ambitious moron as his running mate. Worked for a second with a post-convention bump, then ran aground in the wake of her profound stupidity. Obama’s victory was directly proportional to McCain’s implosion. These people won’t make the same mistake twice.

To the blue dogs in the senate and the progressives in the House: Start working on intra-party bi-partisanship. Get united, and start kicking the GOP in the teeth. Get mean. Get ruthless. Twist their arms or break their kneecaps for the good of the country. They want to slit their wrists, hand them the knife. Beat them senseless with the best bill you can get. Do it in the memory of Ted Kennedy, but with the balls of Lyndon Johnson. What’s the point of gaining power if you don’t know how to wield it? Not every Republican great white hopeful is going to get busted with an Argentinian mistress. Get it together, now. Unless anyone’s in the mood for President Romney. Or President Bachman.