Friday, December 11, 2009


(Instructions: Circle appropriate details; read at press conference with bowed head, somber voice, and look of contrition that says: “I’m sorry for what I did,” instead of “I’m sorry I got busted for what I did.” If possible, drag along significant other(s) to sit or stand beside you for support.)

“When reports recently surfaced IN THE PRESS/ON THE BLOGS/AT THE D.A.’S OFFICE/ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE/ON TMZ about my RUNNING A PONZI SCHEME/DOGFIGHTING/DRIVING WHILE INTOXICATED, CALLING A COP ‘SUGAR TITS’ AND MAKING ANTI-SEMITIC REMARKS/WHACKING AROUND MY WIFE, GIRLFRIEND/CARRYING ON AN EXTERAMARITAL AFFAIR(S) WITH A WAITRESS/HOOKER/PARTYGIRL/LINGERIE MODEL, I released a statement through my representatives that the allegations were not just completely without merit, but libelous, and that I intended to use every legal means at my disposal to clear my name.

Upon SOBER REFLECTION/MY MISTRESS(ES) COMING FORWARD/MY GIRLFRIEND SHOWING UP IN THE HOSPITAL WITH BRUISES ON HER FACE/SUGAR TITS’ ARREST REPORT/MY FRIENDS RATTING ME OUT/CELL PHONE VIDEO OF MY ARREST SHOWING UP ON TMZ, it has become painfully obvious that my previous statements were not exactly in line with the truth. In a desire to CLEAR MY NAME/RETAIN ELECTED OFFICE/RESURRECT MY CAREER/NOT PISS OFF NIKE, I now wish to come forward and be honest, and so it is with great sadness and deep personal regret that I admit that I DROVE DRUNK/BEAT UP MY GIRLFRIEND/ENGAGED IN FINANCIAL IMPROPRITIES/SPONSORED DOGFIGHTING/HAD NUMEROUS EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS. I deeply regret that I OFFENDED THAT COP/THE JEWS/MY WIFE/FAMILY/TEAMMATES/CONSTIUENTS/SPONSORS. I realize I have not only let them down, I have let myself down. All I can offer in my defense at this time is that my actions were the result of my own personal weakness and were not in line with my deep sense of morality and abiding faith in God.

For the last NUMBER of years, I have been proud to PLAY THE SPORT I LOVE/ACT/DIRECT/MAKE MUSIC/BE YOUR GOVERNOR, SENATOR, OR CONGRESSPERSON and it has been the joy of my life, second only to the love of my WIFE/FAMILY/NEIGHBORS/PARTNERS/COLLEAGUES/TEAMMATES/FANS.

I realize that I am a public figure and that my actions invite media scrutiny. I also realize that, as such, I am a role model and have an obligation to MY FANS/THE KIDS/MY SPONSORS/MY TEAMMATES/THE SPORT/MY OFFICE/SUGAR TITS. However, at this difficult time I would make a request for privacy as I begin SEX THERAPY/A.A./ANGER MANAGEMENT/COMMUNITY SERVICE/MY SENTENCE. I plan to use this time for introspection, and promise to bring to bear all the skills, focus, concentration, and faith I brought to MY SPORT/MY OFFICE/MY ART to learn to control my GREED/ DRINKING/RAGE/ANGER/ANTI-SEMITISM/INSATIABLE SEXUAL APPETITES at which time I hope to re-enter the SPORT/FAMILY/BUSINESS I love and get on with my life as a respectable member of SOCIETY/MY TEAM/MY SPORT/CONGRESS and hopefully act in such a way as to deserve the love and respect of MY WIFE/MY FAMILY/MY TEAMMATES/MY COLLEAGUES/THE FANS/GOD/NIKE.”