Thursday, February 14, 2008


Bob Fischer, a South Dakota businessman and anti-abortion activist, told The Associated Press on Wednesday that while he could back the Arizona senator over either Democratic Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton or Barack Obama, he made clear that he and others in the evangelical movement are not content with those choices, holding out hope that Mike Huckabee might mount an improbable comeback, or that another "good conservative, Godly, Christian pro-life" GOP candidate somehow emerge to supplant McCain. In a surprise move, Jesus made an appearance on the campaign trail and announced his intention to mount a third party run for the presidency. Despite being somewhat late in the process, with only nine months before the general election, Jesus pointed out that there was still plenty of time to throw his crown of thorns into the ring.

When reached for comment, a Clinton campaign spokesperson welcomed Jesus to the campaign saying all points of view are welcome, though privately confided their hope that Jesus would entice swing voters from the Obama camp. An Obama rep said the senator would look forward to a spirited debate on the issues, though he remained privately skeptical about Jesus’ ability to raise the necessary funds to campaign in the national election, stating: “Loaves and fishes is one thing. Raising a hundred million at this stage of the campaign is quite another.”

Fearing a third party spoiler, leading Republican contender Senator John McCain added an additional note of skepticism into the Jesus candidacy wondering about his apparent Middle East ties, with McCain supporter Giuliani adding: “Really. Where was he on 9/11?” McCain then quoted an earlier speech by Jesus entitled “The Sermon on the Mount” in which Jesus was quoted saying “blessed are the peacemakers.” The senator added: “sounds like a guy who’s soft on defense, my friends, and I’m not sure this is who we need as commander in chief in these troubled times.”

Concerned that the Jesus candidacy might usurp their own candidate’s platform, the flailing Huckabee campaign quickly produced and ran a 30-second spot, featuring the governor on camera stating: “I know Jesus. I’ve walked with Jesus. And you, sir, are no Jesus.” The Jesus camp did not issue a formal response, but a spokesperson insisted that they would not go negative.

The media was quick to analyze the Jesus candidacy, the consensus being that while he could expect an initial bump in the polls from conservatives, for a third party candidate to pull off a victory in the general election at this late date would amount to a genuine Hail Mary. Meanwhile, Lou Dobbs cast doubt on Jesus virtual absence from the political scene and intimated that he might not really be the historical Jesus, but instead some guy named Hey-soos, who might have slipped over the border illegally. “Before I take his candidacy seriously,” Dobbs said, “I’d like to see his driver’s license.”

Still, controversy aside, Christian conservatives around the country celebrated Jesus’ candidacy, saying their prayers had been answered, and that they were ecstatic to have a legitimate contender for the presidency who would be an advocate for their anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-gun control, anti-evolution platform, to which Jesus responded that he never advocated any of those things and that his campaign would be centered around the slogan: “Peace on earth and good will toward men.” Focus on the Family immediately cast doubt on that statement, suggesting that “good will toward men” was a vague reference to claiming a legitimacy for the homosexual lifestyle, while a spokesperson privately wondered about Jesus’ status as an unmarried man in his 30s.

Leaping to Jesus’ defense, the women of The View all eagerly proclaimed that they would sleep with him, to which Jesus responded: “Not even with Judas’ dick.”

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