Tuesday, April 15, 2008


First there was the New York Minute. Then, the nanosecond. Both colloquial expressions connoting a near instantaneous measure of time in which one event might follow another. For the scientifically inclined, there is Planck Time, defined as:

“…the time it would take a photon travelling at the speed of light to across a distance equal to the Planck length. This is the ‘quantum of time’, the smallest measurement of time that has any meaning, and is equal to 10-43 seconds. No smaller division of time has any meaning...”

Move over Planck Time, there is now an even smaller measure of time  -- the Allreddy. Defined as an amount of time that is as instantaneous as instantaneous can be without actually being instantaneous, the Allreddy is the time it takes for Gloria Allred to inject herself into a celebrity lawsuit.

From Heather Mills, to Britney, to Amber Frey, to Robert Blake’s ex, the alleged offense has barely been played out before the attorney is somehow attached to their side like a barnacle in a pantsuit, appearing on some talk show vigorously defending the rights of the famous, or infamous femme fatale/victim du jour. Of course it’s got nothing to do with self-promotion, grandstanding, or a big payday from the celebrity trough. It’s about defending the rights of these wronged women and guiding them through the labyrinthine legal system. And, I imagine, the post-scandal publishing nightmare.

Time will tell what really happened here as, once again, a celebrity’s personal business slip-slides out the Moebius strip to become public fodder, and the victims and the vampires hit the public highways and the media busts out the Orgasmatron in their glee at another famous sex scandal. Of course, for a public crazy drunk with celebrity murder, it’s a bit disappointing that so far, it only appears to be sexual harassment. Just another Nannygate. And, no, Rob Lowe doesn’t have Phil Spector crazy hair and eyeballs that ping back and forth like pinballs but, scandal vultures that we are, we’ll take what we can get.  

So now we’ll watch this one unfold. Short of running off to live in a cave, thereby turning off the noise we amusingly refer to as “our culture,” one can’t help but have these stories flash across our screens as we gorge on and crap out one after the other. We’ve wrung all the laughs out of Elliot Spitzer. Britney’s old news, no matter how many Mercedes she wrecks. Pregnant celebrity sisters has become tedious. Now, at least we’ll have something fresh to lighten up the mood from all this election nonsense. This morning it was The Today Show. Tomorrow maybe GMA. Then maybe The View. And, of course, I’m sure Larry King’s opening the pneumatic tube that sucks every scandal miscreant into the studio for a hard-hitting, in-your-face interview. If she’s not there now, trust me, Gloria will be there in an Allreddy. 


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