Jesus Calls Mel Gibson

"Hey, Mel. Yeah, it's me - Jesus. Yeah, long time. So, 'sup? How's business? Uh huh. Cool. How's the wife? ... Oh. Sorry, man. Yeah, I know, can't live with 'em... But, listen, about that - kind of the reason I called. I've been hearing some things... Yeah, I know. Rumors. Doctored tape. I'm sure. Hey, you march to your own drummer, the haters try to bring you down. Trust me, I know. But, still, the things I'm hearing, they've got people upset...  I'm not saying which people, but I think you know what I mean. Anyway, I just thought I'd call, maybe chat a bit. Cool. Now, put your ear a little closer to the phone, I want to make sure you hear this: So, Mel...  WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, ASSHOLE?! YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE CRACKED OPEN THE BOOK LATELY, BUT I'M JEWISH, YOU SHRIMPY LITTLE FUCK! SO, THE JEW-HATER SHIT! NOT COOL WITH ME! AND, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAYBE YOU WANT TO REEL IN THE 'N-WORD' SHIT, TOO, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHICH PICTURE OF ME YOU'VE GOT HANGING IN THAT SURVIVAL BUNKER YOU CALL A CHURCH, BUT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT IT! I'M NOT EXACTLY SWEDISH, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?! I'M ON THE DARK-SKINNED SIDE, SO WHEN YOU START TOSSING AROUND THE ETHNIC SHIT, IT REALLY GOES UP MY ASS SIDEWAYS! AND AS FOR SMACKING AROUND WOMEN -- NOT FUCKING COOL! ... I DON'T GIVE A SWEET SHIT WHAT SHE SAID! YOU DON'T HIT WOMEN! ... NO, IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF SHE PUT THE KID DOWN FIRST! YOU DON'T HIT WOMEN! YOU DON'T HIT ANYONE!  WHICH PART OF 'BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS' DON'T YOU GET, SHRIMPZILLA?!  ... DON'T GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING EXCUSES?! NOT MY PROBLEM YOU CAN'T HANDLE YOUR HIGH. HOW 'BOUT YOU LAY OFF THE SACRAMENTAL BLOOD OF ME FOR A NIGHT AND CRACK OPEN A SNAPPLE?! HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA FALL DOWN THE SAME 12 STEPS?! ... OH, YOU LIKE BAR-HOPPING!? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CROWBAR-HOPPING, 'CAUSE I HEAR ABOUT ANY OF THIS SHIT AGAIN, I WILL TAKE A FUCKING CROWBAR AND GO ALL JOE PESCI ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD! THAT'S RIGHT, SUGAR TITS, THIS TIME I REALLY WILL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND HEAD STRAIGHT TO MALIBU JUST SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS UP AND DOWN THE PCH FROM GLADSTONE'S TO ZUMA! NOW, MAN UP, SHRIMPENSTEIN! YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN?! YOU TALK THE TALK? NOW WALK THE FUCKING WALK! ... WHAT? ... OH, PLEASE, DO NOT BRING UP THE MOVIE! PASSION OF THE CHRIST, MY ASS! THANKS FOR THE VALENTINE! YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE I NEEDED TO RELIVE!? YOU ALSO MADE LETHAL WEAPON 4, YOU WANT PROPS FOR THAT, TOO?! ... I THOUGHT SO. LISTEN, MAN, I DON'T LIKE MAKING THESE CALLS. I DON'T LIKE PLAYING THE HEAVY. I'M A PEACEFUL GUY, BUT SOMETIMES YOU PEOPLE REALLY FUCKING PISS ME OFF! WHATEVER PSYCHO SHIT YOU'RE WORKING OUT, WORK IT OUT, MAN, JUST WORK IT OUT ...  OK. PEACE OUT... OH, BEFORE I HANG UP, ONE MORE THING: YOU GOT PAT ROBERTSON'S NUMBER?

(The preceding transcription was not excerpted from my new book: "Deconstructing God - A Heretic's Case For Religion." It would have been if I'd thought of it before the book was published and put up for sale on Amazon. $14.95. Get yours today.)