Yet another wave in the ongoing terrorist war against the American way of life has been revealed in recently released classified documents that detail an insidious plot in which terrorists have been sneaking into this country on tourist visas while secretly pregnant with gay fetuses, then giving birth to gay babies who automatically become American citizens. By taking advantage of our lax immigration policy and the 14th Amendment, these gay anchor, or "Gaynchor" terror babies function as sleeper agents within the United States, assimilating into the population, taking toys away from gay American babies, and living off free government services. After blending in and learning our ways, they proceed to undermine American society from within by opening up antique shops, befriending overweight unmarried women and alcoholic female pop stars, starting celebrity gossip websites, eventually moving to states that allow gay marriage, marrying unsuspecting gay Americans, then traveling overseas on American passports to adopt absolutely adorable Chinese communist babies, and slipping them back into the country.
Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-Hooterville) desperately tried to alert the Congress, and the American people to the dire security threat posed by the Gaynchor Babies by making an impassioned speech on the floor of the House and then submitting to an interview/interrogation on CNN with Anderson Cooper, where he was made to feel like the object of mockery when grilled with a relentless onslaught of direct questions. Gohmert insisted he was on a mission to warn the American people that our national security is being attacked from within, noting that "these Gaynchor babies are being smuggled into the country in the wombs of terrorists, being born as American citizens, and melding into society where they become virtual gay time bombs who will eventually explode onto the American scene with style, while attempting to convert American babies to the homosexual baby lifestyle." Gohmert then added that by sending their gay babies to the U.S. to infiltrate this country, the plot has the dual effect of further corrupting American society by polluting our precious bodily fluids and simultaneously purifying their countries of origin. He warned American parents to be extra vigilant in their mommy and me classes and private playgroups and to be on the lookout for any effeminate male babies, who are slipping their tiny feet into mommy's high heels, or perhaps getting overly cozy with a Ken doll, as these are signs that your child's playmate may just be a Gaynchor Terror Baby. When pressed by Cooper to reveal any evidence of the plot in the form of government documents, FBI reports, or sources with direct knowledge of any investigation, Gohmert got snippy, saying: "I don't need facts! I don't need evidence! Just wait 20 years when American the Beautiful has turned into America the Fabulous, and you'll see I was right!" He then turned on his heels and stormed off in what onloookers described as a something between a huff and a hissy fit.