The Exorshtick

There’s a new movie called The Rite, starring Anthony Hopkins in some version of the Max Von Sydow exorcist role, which was essentially the John Wayne or Alan Ladd role, though instead of bank robbers, cattle rustlers, or hired gunslingers, the hero’s doing battle with the lord of the underworld. Even if this is a good movie; meaning, in show business parlance, if it makes money, it will have tough creative competition in the devil movie arena with two of the best films ever made – The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby-- along with another – The Omen -- which didn’t quite rise to classic movie status but was still pretty damn good.

When The Exorcist came out in 1973, there was so much hype,  people were scared out of their minds just waiting on line to buy tickets. And then there were those moments: Linda Blair levitating off the bed, knocking a shrink halfway across the room, the word “help” carved on her stomach from the inside, that growling devil voice (courtesy of Mercedes McCambridge) and, of course, the pea soup projectile vomiting. And, of course, that climactic moment with Von Sydow and Jason Miller standing defiantly over the bed, armed with crosses, defying Satan to leave the child’s body, shouting: “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” while Linda Blair’s head twisted around like a Barbie doll. And though Rosemary’s Baby was more character piece than outright horror flick, there was that dream sequence with Mia Farrow being raped by the horned one, siring a devil child.

So as far as The Rite goes, it’s got some pretty big cloven hooves to fill. But no matter how good the hype, I won’t see it. I don’t have to. The log line, posters, and trailer tell me all I need to know. And most telling is the line from the poster stating that it’s “based on true events.” Marketing departments don’t choose these lines capriciously. By putting that line on the poster, they’re stating that they believe that people believe that there is a God who’s in a steel cage death match with his Satanic counterpart for earthly domination and ownership of people’s souls, and that every so often the devil inhabits someone’s body, possibly for sport, or just to make their head spin around. And only a priest holding a cross, armed with a book and some special words and special water can drive the demon from his temporary host. The people marketing this film believe that people believe that demonic possession is a “true event,” which is, frankly, moronic. My two-year-old seems possessed every now and then. But it makes me want to wrap him up in a straightjacket, not dial up the local priest.

But for all the horror hype, if you actually stop and think about the subject of religion, and begin to separate fact from folklore… When you realize there really isn’t A God, and there really isn’t A Devil, just anthropomorphic manifestations of an internal, psychological struggle between our selfish instincts and the knowledge that we ought to be more loving and compassionate… When you understand that the cross is a symbol, meant to inspire contemplation and introspection, not a powerful, secret weapon to thrust in the face of a villain, whether devil or vampire… When you eventually come to the realization that religion is, at its heart, a path to a transcendent experience of life... a funny thing happens: these movies instantly morph from horror… to comedy.

Linda Blair’s levitation, head-rotation and pea soup expectoration. Mia Farrow’s devil rape and demon seed baby… The hounds of hell attacking Gregory Peck in The Omen. Priests standing over a young girl waving crosses and spritzing her with holy water which tears at her flesh... It all just becomes absurd, silly, and borderline ridiculous. Outward manifestations of our innermost fears, maybe. Just not “real events.”At best, films like Rosemary’s Baby can illustrate the paranoid group think and violent behavior that can result when people sense that their beliefs and institutions are under attack, whether that institution is a witches coven, or the “Church” of Scientology.

The silliness of these devil movies is an outgrowth of the silliness of our popular beliefs. One look at the activities of the Westboro Baptist Church shows how something as noble in intent as religious practice can descend into the sewer in the hands of ignorant, hateful people. In those cases, what is most revealing is that these people out themselves by their own reactions. A truly religious person wouldn’t care if their practices or traditions were criticized, mocked or derogated. They would see it as just the opinion of one person and would shrug it off as such. But when institutions are built on lies and misinformation those in charge know that sunlight is a dangerous disinfectant and that any allegation needs to be attacked and instantly discredited for fear that a little truth could cause doubt, and doubt could bring the whole house down. Religion is not something one gets offended about. When you do get offended, angry, or violent over an attack on your religion, you negate your religion.

Despite our technical sophistication, when it comes to our understanding of religion, we might as well be running around in animal skins. And considering what we do to each other in the name of religion, the truth is: there is a devil… and he is us.

Lush Rimbaugh

Broadcaster/Entertainer/Drug Addict Rush Limbaugh trotted out his intellect in a comment on the press conference held by  President Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao by doing a few minutes of the classic, derogatory, singsong gibberish -- a way of mocking the visiting president's native language; i.e. Chinese. Limbaugh made the point that it just sounds so funny that it couldn't possibly be a real language, just some strange combination of sounds that defy translation, despite the fact that those strange sounds manage to achieve the goal of communication for over a billion people. Of all the cynical critiques one might make of the visit: the Chinese are just visiting their money, or they're here to steal more American jobs, Limbaugh chose to descend to the level of a fifth-grade bully, mocking the new exchange student on the playground during recess.

So, how does a reasonable, sane person respond to this?  At some point, there are just no words left. The easy, kneejerk "moron" "clod" "porcine, pseudo patriotic hateful drug addicted hypocrite," just bounce off him like bullets off Superman. He wears the insults like a badge of honor. Even Al Franken's classic, simple "big, fat idiot" don't seen to cut it anymore.  You can't damage someone so damaged. This porcine dolt from whom politicians cower. This expert on culture and world politics who dropped out of Southeast Missouri State University after two semesters. A large portion of this country is heeding the opinions of someone who couldn't even handle the intellectual rigors of Southeast Missouri State University. Someone who believes in traditional American values ... and is on his fourth marriage. Someone who believes that drugs are a scourge on America ... who's himself a drug addict.

Of course the Chinese language sounds like funny noises to his Southeast Missouri State University-dropout ears. And of course a state visit by the president of one of the most powerful countries in the world would be reduced by his Southeast Missouri State University-dropout mind to a funny little man standing behind a podium making funny noises. It couldn't possibly have any deeper significance in terms of forging economic agreements, political agreements, making progress on human rights, devising a strategy for handling North Korea... Even a more cynical mind could chalk it up to the sage Godfather advice to "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

But Limbaugh is not the tragedy. Yes, his speech is ugly. And occasionally veers into hate speech. But it's free speech. If people didn't listen, he wouldn't have signed a deal for $400 million. Obviously, people listen. And that's the tragedy. It's our two Americas. Not two economic Americas. Two intellectual Americas. And in that latter, xenophobic America there will always be voices who will know that there's gold in playing to the appropriately named base -- stoking ignorant fears and inciting hatred and suspicion all under the banner of a waving flag. Because there is one group of Americans who are able to comprehend and appreciate the subtleties of global politics in the 21st century, and another who dropped out of Southeast Missouri State University and can only understand the world by dividing it into good and evil, where good is everyone who looks and thinks like us, and evil is everyone else. But perhaps one day that latter group will begin to crawl out of the primordial mental muck in which its mired and begin to see the world in color. That will be the day when America really begins to live up to the American dream. And that will be the day when Rush will be living up to his full Southeast Missouri State University-dropout potential by making his living as a Christmas ham.

Trigonometry #7: DEATH THREATS?!?

DEATH THREATS?! HOLY SHIT! NOBODY TOLD ME SHE GOT FUCKING DEATH THREATS!! NO WONDER SHE DRAGS ME UP ON STAGE EVERY TIME SHE MAKES A SPEECH! I THOUGHT IT WAS SOME CHEAP POLITICAL STUNT TO BULLSHIT PEOPLE INTO THINKING WHAT A GREAT MOM SHE IS 'CAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS HUGGING THE RETARDED KID! NOW I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! I'M A FUCKING HUMAN SHIELD! JESUS CHRIST, LIKE IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH SHE USED MY GOOFY ASS LIKE A CAMPAIGN PROP. NOW I'VE GOT TO TAKE A BULLET FOR HER!? WHAT AM I, IN THE FUCKING SECRET SERVICE?! BULLSHIT! I CAN'T EVEN PASS THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT, LET ALONE THE ENTRANCE EXAM! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! NO WONDER THAT PUSSY HUSBAND ISN'T AROUND! I THOUGHT IT WAS 'CAUSE SHE GAVE HIM A FEW BUCKS AND SENT HIM OUT FOR ICE CREAM! TURNS OUT HE'S GETTING AWAY FROM THE CROSSFIRE! OR HE'S FUCKING GRETA VAN SUSTEREN! AND NO WONDER THE CHUBBY LITTLE DANCING QUEEN TOOK THE KID AND BUGGED OFF TO ARIZONA! NOW IT'S JUST ME AND THE SINGLE MOM IN TRAINING! I NEED HELP!  THIS IS CHILD ABUSE! SOMEBODY CALL THE ACLU! I NEED A LAWYER UP HERE NOW TO GET MY ASS EMANCIPATED BEFORE SOME PSYCHO TAKES A SHOT AT HER AND THE CRAZY BITCH GETS ME KILLED! 'CAUSE NOW THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS! SHE BLEW IT WITH THE CAMPAIGN! SHE BLEW IT WITH THE THE CROSSHAIRS! SHE BLEW IT WITH THE FACEBOOK BULLSHIT! SHE BLEW IT WITH HANNITY! EVEN HER REPUBLICAN PALS HAVE SWITCHED FROM TRASHING HER IN PRIVATE TO TRASHING HER IN PUBLIC! NOBODY LOVES HER! NOBODY WANTS HER! AND SHE KNOWS IT. SHE'S DOWN TO THAT SCHMUCK HANNITY, LOOPY GLENN BECK OR FATSO LIMBAUGH! SHE'S TWO SECONDS FROM GIVING OUT HAND JOBS JUST FOR A LITTLE AIR TIME! BUT THIS LOOPY BITCH THINKS THERE'S A GOD WHO WANTS HER TO BE PRESIDENT AND SHE WANTS POWER SO BAD SHE'S GONNA KEEP SHRIEKING ABOUT DEATH THREATS UNTIL SOME NEW LUNATIC TAKES HER SERIOUSLY AND MAKES IT A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY! AND I'M THE HUMAN TARGET! SOME ASSHOLE'S GONNA SMOKE ME AND MS. BLOOD LIBEL'S GONNA USE IT FOR THE POLITICAL SYMPATHY VOTE! OH, THE HUMANITY!! HEY, DERSHOWITZ, CALL ME!! HELP!!!!!!!!

TRIGONOMETRY #6. HOW BIG AN ASSHOLE IS MY MOM?

Hey, mom. There's a giant load of shit in my diaper! But I didn't do it! The lamestream media took a crap in my pants and now they're trying to pin it on me. Man, it doesn't take her long to get out front of a national tragedy and make sure no one thinks she's to blame. Five seconds of "hopes and prayers for the victims" and eight minutes of ""It ain't me, babe." Good thing she's got her priorities in order. Yeah, we don't settle our difficulties with duels at sunrise anymore. Ain't we fucking civilized. And I doubt there was any calculation in releasing that video at midnight, just to make sure she made the morning news  the day the president would speak at a memorial for the victims. Not like she's a calculating political animal whose only consideration is how she can upstage the president since no one invited her to attend the event. And there's good reason for that. NO ONE WANTED HER THERE!

Yeah, it's not her fault some sick fuck took out his anger at the world. He wasn't listening to her. Who is his right mind would? Shit, soon as I can get my ass into a group home I'm planning on telling her to fuck off. But as mom says, at least we live in a country where the moment some psycho decides he's going to carve out his place in history with a 9mm automatic, that he can drive down to the nearest WalMart and get himself the ammunition he needs to make sure people remember his name.

Don't retreat! Reload! Hey, ma! I just reloaded my diaper! Come change me quick, but don't throw it out. You may need it for your next speech!

HOW BIG AN

ASSHOLE

IS MY MOM? 

THIS BIG!!

Put Hate Speech in the Crosshairs

There’s a well-known line from Edmund Burke: “All is takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” In the wake of the Tucson shootings, it now has a corollary: All it takes for evil to triumph is for lesser men to turn away and claim plausible deniability. As with all such tragedies, we immediately enter into a mode of national reflection. Who’s to blame? What’s to blame? Was this an isolated incident? A symptom of our overheated political rhetoric? Will we re-evaluate our gun-control laws? Will the tone of our political discourse ever change?

Who’s to blame is one delusional psycho loner with a private and twisted worldview. He’s Whitman. Chapman. Hinckley. McVeigh. Harris. Klebold. Cho. These people grow in society like cancer cells. They can be treated. Isolated. Medicated. Counseled. Arrested. Incarcerated. But, as with the disease itself, despite any chemotherapy, a lone cell can slip through the cracks and metastasize. Unfortunately, in this country, once someone snaps, they have easy access to weapons of mass destruction for taking out social revenge. One sick bastard with a knife can’t do as much damage as one sick bastard with a 9mm automatic.

As for our rhetoric, until it becomes known exactly what was in the mind of the shooter, we won’t know whether or not it was a factor. This time. But it doesn’t require an investigation to know that anger and hate speech have become a factor in our lives. “Going negative” has not only become a pre-requisite in political campaigns, it’s now SOP for the policy campaigns between campaigns. The screamers at the health care town halls. The gun toters at the president’s rallies. The “patriots” who spat on members of congress. The birthers and deathers. Palin’s crosshairs. Angle’s 2nd Amendment remedies. Joe “you lie” Wilson. They’ve all been weapons in a war to demonize and de-legitimize this president and his policies that’s been going on for two years, due to the fact that there is a particular segment of the population that went absolutely batshit when we elected a black guy president. “Socialist!” “Fascist!” “Death panels!” “Government takeover of health care!” “The job-killing health care bill!”

But it hasn’t just been the nuts with their sidearms, misspelled signs, and dingle ball hats. Even more egregious has been the GOP’s willingness to coddle this wing of their party for political advantage, celebrating their recent election victories while turning a blind eye to their extreme rhetoric. Not one Republican has had the guts to come out and say that many of their statements and actions have been irresponsible, or even dangerous.

As recently as last week, John Boehner, a guy who now permanently sports the sly smile of a golfer whose opponent just missed a key putt on the 18^th hole – was asked by Brian Williams if he would call out the birthers within his own party. And instead of showing some class and admitting that, as any reasonable person knows, they’re a ridiculous political sideshow, he skulked behind some oblique statement, chalking up their delusions as “part of the melting pot of ideas.” This is not melting pot. This is crackpot. Yet, someone as powerful as Boehner refused to disavow them because he didn’t want to piss them off and lose potential support. This kind of disingenuousness validates dangerous nonsense as legitimate opinion and sets the table for extremism. Currying tea party favor is the reason that the moment they took power in the House, they immediately got down to bullshit by reading the Constitution on the floor. The implication was clear: what’s come from this administration over the last two years has been un-Constitutional. Does anyone remember that the president taught Constitutional Law? I’d welcome a debate between him and any Tea Partier, or member of Congress on the subject.

But this is the way the GOP operates. No, they’re not necessarily doing the name-calling themselves. They don’t have the guts to throw the brick through the store window, but they’ll happily buy a hot tv set that someone else carried out. You can’t turn away when the heat gets turned up, then throw up your hands and call for calm when the pot boils over. It’s one thing to decry the incendiary rhetoric. But it’s hypocritical to offer a pat statement of regret along with the perfunctory “our hopes and prayers are with the families,” while all the while reaping political benefit from the kind of talk that may have created the climate for these actions.

And as for Ms. Crosshairs herself, it’s doubtful that this sick, delusional nobody actually took even tacit instructions from her “don’t retreat, reload” exhortation. Though it was telling that the first reaction from her camp was to assert that the crosshairs were actually map-reading symbols. What is it about stupidity that it assumes everyone else around it is just as dumb?

But what remains to be seen is if responsible individuals in politics will begin to eschew hysteria in favor of reason. It has become much easier in this country to enflame than to educate or enlighten. I’ll be curious to see if the modifier “job-killing” will be removed from the ceremonial bill to repeal health care. It will be interesting to see if any Republican will even suggest revisiting stricter regulations on the sale of guns. I’ll be eager to see if, in a month or so, when the anguish over this shooting has subsided, if the name-calling, incendiary rhetoric, and robotic recitation of inflammatory talking points will also subside in favor of reason, and an honest discussion of political differences in the hope of finding the best solution. Frankly, I doubt it. It’s a shame that it takes mass murder to sober us up. Sadly, the one reality that seems to eclipse our momentary reflection and soul-searching, is that when the smoke clears we tend to fall back to business as usual. Which is unfortunate. We can’t cure everyone’s insanity. We can only cure our own. 

Schmuckabee

The 2012 presidential election is on. (As if it's ever been off.) But the unofficial first shot has been fired by former Arkansas governor and failed 2008 GOP candidate Mike Huckabee in the form of a TV spot advocating the repeal of the health care bill. Or, as Huck refers to it: a 2300-page monstrosity cooked up in "back room deals in the dead of night" and "forced on the American people, despite their kicking and screaming that they didn't want it." The spot urges all Americans to sign an online petition entitled "repeal it now," a phrase he seems to expect will go down in history as a clarion call of American defiance, along with "no taxation without representation," (which some elements of the GOP would love to amend to "no taxation"), and "Surrender? Nuts!" (Unless it was "surrender nuts," Eric Massa's admonition to his male staff members.) And at the bottom of the screen, pictures of key supporters of the repeal initiative, including noted American intellectuals Michael Reagan and Joe the Plumber.

Now, Huck seems life an affable guy. The former fattie preacher with the hound dog face, folksy smile and aw shucks manner even demonstrates occasional flashes of reasonableness, such as in a recent appearance on The Daily Show, in which he urged members of his party to support the 9/11 first responders bill. Still, for an opening salvo in his campaign, and given the fact that he probably refers to himself as "a man of God" I was expecting a little something more out of him. A little, I don't know... Honesty.

First of all, no one was kicking and screaming about this bill other than the insurance companies, their paid lobbyists like Dick Armey, their de facto lobbyists in congress, and the assorted goofballs they coaxed out of their La-Z-Boys to storm the town hall meetings and shout down any possibility of intelligent discussion or debate, fobbing it off as genuine outrage. As for the talking point about this bill being over 2300 pages, don't congresspersons have staffs trained in the dual arts of reading and summarizing? And as for the American people kicking and screaming, I don't recall seeing any kicking from parents whose kids will be allowed to remain on their policies until they're 26. And I don't remember hearing any screaming from either Democrats or Republicans about the fact that their insurance companies can no longer deny them coverage based on pre-existing conditions, or max out their coverage when they're hit with a serious illness. For all the bitching about "Obamacare," I still wonder which part of it Republicans hate more: the "Obama" part, or the "care" part.

In the commercial, Huckabee also talks about American voters being adults, who deserve to be treated as such. Well, the way to treat them as such is not by putting out some low-rent commercial with cheesy graphics, obligatory waving flags, and histrionic rhetoric, intending to obscure the facts while demonizing an important piece of legislation. Legislation that was passed through the democratic process. (Or maybe he just considers them an "activist congress?") And as for the exhortation to "spank Congress." That's just childish. And fucking dumb.

According to many cable pundits, Huck is the GOP frontrunner, assuming the Leona Helmsley of the Republican party, Queen Sarah, either punks out or self-destructs via her own venality or congenital stupidity. And if she runs, she will self-destruct, because no matter how many pet phrases her handlers teach her to say, they can never teach her to think. They can give her the names of books to claim she's reading, but they can't equip her to actually understand, let alone discuss the ideas inside. She will fall because she's defenseless against the one weapon she hasn't had to face in two years - the dreaded follow-up question.

But putting aside the interminable pondering over whether or not she'll run, chances are she's smart enough to read the polls reflecting her enormous unpopularity outside the GOP womb, and will just hit the trail to horse trade her popularity for fun and profit. Or maybe another great white hope will emerge. (Though it will be a challenge to find someone whiter than Romney.) But, for the moment, Huck looks like a contender.

So, please, Governor, if you want to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate -- up your game. You have problems with the health care bill? Make your case like an adult. Deal in facts, not histrionics. And be prepared to debate the facts in a public forum. If you don't understand the subtleties of the bill, study up. Or maybe start by wrapping your mind around a simpler concept. Like evolution. Cheesy, classless commercials like this may play to the base, but they negate you as a credible national candidate. However, if your goal is just to play to the base and come off like a clown, then don't stop with this childish commercial. Go all the way -- put on a dress, smear on some lipstick, grab a rifle, and get yourself a reality show.

Trigonometry #5: Rescue Me!

Yeah, she penned an op ed piece on Iran like I farted Mozart's Requiem. Let's examine this, shall we?

"Iran continues to defy the international community in its drive to acquire nuclear weapons."

Dogshit. She spells acquire with a "k." 

"Arab leaders in the region rightly fear a nuclear-armed Iran." 

Nuclear-armed? She wouldn't know a compound adjective if it kicked her in the twat. 

"We suspected this before, but now we know for sure because of leaked diplomatic cables." 

We? We who? We nuclear inspectors? We failed Veep candidates? We who bailed out on our office to cash in on our transitory and undeserved fame? We reality show whores? We Fox News contributors? We shrieking psycho bitches? 

"King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia "frequently exhorted the U.S. to attack Iran to put an end to its nuclear weapons program," according to these communications. Officials from Jordan said the Iranian nuclear program should be stopped by any means necessary. Officials from the United Arab Emirates and Egypt saw Iran as evil, an "existential threat" and a sponsor of terrorism. If Iran isn't stopped from obtaining nuclear weapons, it could trigger a regional nuclear arms race in which these countries would seek their own nuclear weapons to protect themselves."

She doesn't know where Saudi Arabia is. She thinks Jordan is the guy who played for the Bulls. She couldn't pick King Abdullah out of a lineup if he were paired with the Burger King and King Kong.  She doesn't write this shit. She's got some starry eyed, amoral staff cooz with a night school degree in creative writing who scribbles it for her. Give her a pen she'd try to stab a woodland creature with it.  I blame the fucking media. They report "Sarah Palin wrote," or "Sarah Palin tweeted" just 'cause they see her name on it. At some point, aren't you assholes supposed to ask questions? 


Trust me -- She doesn't write. She doesn't read. She doesn't tweet. She doesn't think. She just eats. She's a wolf. Like one of those wilderness creatures she so gleefully slaughters from a safe distance she shoots out insults while prowling the public highways for cash, free travel, and the glory she so perversely think she deserves. And it's my lot in life to be her stage prop 'cause she thinks it makes her come off like a proud, caring parent by constantly dragging around the retard. What's up with that? Who brings a kid onstage for a speech? She's got nannies up the wim-wam except when it's time for a photo op. Then it's "fetch me the 'tard." The woman's a cypher. She's a sham of a mockery of a sham. 


And I'm stuck.  She said I have to fucking hang there and flash the snaggle-tooth smile and cute retarded kid face or she won't feed me. Trust me -- If there's a smile upon my face, it's only there to fool the public. Mofo needs to eat. Shit. 


Somebody rescue me. Cut me loose from this bitch and hide me. Anywhere. A group home. Witness protection. Stuff me inside Mariah Carey and say she's having triplets. I don't care. I am not a prop! I am somebody! I deserve a life! In my dreams a stiff wind comes along, catches my elephant ears and flies me off to a magic land where I look like George Clooney and where tits are for fun and not food. 


Won't you make my dreams come true? Help! I'm dying here! 


Peace out.
Trig