Friday, August 10, 2007

The Invasion of the White People!

Riding what they've called the "Mitt Mobile," 96 white Romneys have invaded Iowa armed with a big, white family portrait. And that scares me.

First, let's get rid of the white elephant in the room. An extended family of look-alike white people from Massachusetts, many of whom went to Harvard, who play touch football and have almost identical twilight's last gleaming white smiles? Ring any familiar bells? The Mormon Kennedys? The political Osmonds? Of course there are no war vets to hang the campaign around, no profiles in courage, 'cause according to dad, the five fightin' Romneys are saving themselves for Mitt's campaign. Somehow, electing dad to the White House has become the equivalent of military service. Now, who figured out that equation? But that's not the scary part.

It's the goodness. That perfect, wholesome white goodness. Bible and scripture on Sunday. More scripture on Monday. Touch football. Staff tennis tournament with the championship played on the family court. Now before I'm branded some sort of racist, let me be clear: I'm white. It's nothing I'm proud of. In fact, white people embarrass me. More often than not, I find them clueless, clumsy, soulless, insincere, patronizing, reeking of privilege, occasionally bordering on rude and, quite often, fat. Not just that slightly overweight fat but the take-over-the-buffet-line-with-your-doublewide-ass kind of fat. And all that fat is often accompanied by massive stupidity. That good, old-fashioned "America's a great country 'cause we've got freedom of speech, so shut your mouth and stop criticizing the government" kind of stupidity. But even that's not the scary part.

I'll admit there are some good white people. I've worked with some. I live around them. Hell, my sister even married one. And I guess they've done some good things. But I was sort of hoping that the whiter-than-white perfect family portrait as campaign poster was something we'd transcended here in the 21st century, as some diversity entered presidential politics. Not just with race, and gender, but with every other aspect of life. Multiple marriages. Family problems. A little drinking. Drug problems. Maybe the occasional DUI. Imperfect candidates seem more human. And I want a candidate who's human. A dad who's gotten a call at 8 am to bail their kid out. Someone who's gone through the hell of divorce and climbed out the other side. A mom who's maybe had a drink or two after a hard day. It makes them compassionate. Like they understand the problems regular people have and might like to solve them.

So when I see this 60's Tide commercial photograph, I'll be honest--it scares the shit out of me. Because somehow the notion of the "I'm all-white, you're all-white" candidate is still lurking out there in the minds of campaign managers, which means it's still out there in the minds of Americans. Now, it's not Mitt's fault he's white. It's not his fault he's got religion. While, personally, I think believing that, some 18 centuries after his death, Jesus reappeared in upstate New York is a litmus test for insanity, if that belief gets you through the night, then go with god. And it's sort of nice he's got a big old family. But that big old family picture looks like a throwback to an older, Wonder Bread America, and sticking it out there as a campaign poster of the perfect, Bible-reading, touch football-playing family, as if it's a reason for people to vote for you is scary. Because it doesn't make you look like a man of the people. It just makes you look like a man of the white people.


Joshua James said...

"Man of the White People!"

That's a great slogan for the GOP overall, ain't it? LOL!

Anonymous said...

Off topic.
Ian--Are you about 54ish? Did you grow up on Long Island? Did you ever go to Camp Sureka? I think I may have known you many years ago.

IBG said...

yes on age and long island. Don't remember Sureka, where was it?

ANZIO said...

just more self hate from the hip guilted white dumbfuck

hey guilted whitey are you just not drooling at the mouth waiting for the day when you and your fellow whitetrash can crown obama

when that day comes it will be like china's cultural revolution

whites will have any remaining racial-cultural identity stripped from them. as the black people strut around and boogie in their walk ecstatic that they have one of their own as the new american boss

the frontline storm troopers of this anti-white cultural revolution will be of course those dumb as dirt white-trash guilted whites and their self hating shitbrain anti-white party bosses all of which are lead by of course (who else?) the masterjew overlords pulling all the strings just as they did in the russian communist-bolshevik revolution

it has become the hip and progressive thing for young liberal guilted white dumbfucks to dump their race and cultural identity and embrace anything but white, because it is taught within the guilted white world that they are evil and racist and the oppressors of the world and only when they free themselves from their evil white racist identity will the world come together and have peace

and don't think the white guilt disease has anything to do with i.q. measurement, most of the guilted white world in fact are the very cream of the intellectual white society

the mystery and magic of white guilt permeates even the most intelligent of whites for it is spiritual in nature and penetrates the heart of the white victim

Anonymous said...

Camp Sureka was in Syosset. perhaps you come from Plainview or Jericho or some other nearby town.(I am a SHS gradute of 1973.) It was a day camp (you may have been a couselor and I a camper with a little preteen crush on you). It's all a bit foggy now, of course.
I love a good sitcom, always have...Dick Van Dyke, Bob Newhart, Barney Miller, Honeymooners, Taxi, WKRP, etc., etc. Several years ago I watched Wings, saw your name and thought, "Huh, I wonder if he's the same Ian Gurvitz?" Of course, that was already many years after the fact.
I am in the middle of reading "You're Lucky You're Funny," by Phillip Rosenthal, and while reading others' reviews of it on the Internet, came across your name and book, which brought up the question again.
That's the story.
These days I am not much of a TV watcher. I can't stand dreck like According to Jim and Two and A Half Men.

IBG said...

anonymous-Yeah, it's me. I'm from Plainview. And I was a counselor. And worked on Wings. Nice to hear from you. Are you still on the Gisland?

Anonymous said...

IBG--I left LI in 1979, after college. Since then I have lived in Seattle, next door to Fraisier.
I gotta tell you, I loved Wings. Tim Daley, not so much, but I love Steven Weber, Tony Shaloub and Thomas Haden Church. I just rented Season One of Ned and Stacy (I had never watched it when it was in Prime TIme)...mainly because I recently read that Charlie Kaufman wrote a few of the episodes and I sorta idolize him.
It had its moments, but I wasn't overwhelmed.
I love Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Chuck Barris was a man before his time.

(I also recently recented Bosom Buddies which had flashes of brilliance, but on the whole, wasn't very good.)
What are you working on now?
P.S. Finding out that I "know" a sitcom writer is up there with seeing Madonna at LAX a few months ago (laughing at myself)

Anonymous said...

IBG--I just ordered your book on CD. I've never "listened" to a book before, never thought I would, but it occurred to me that Hello, Lied the Agent might be fun to listen to.

Anonymous Fellow Long Islander

Joshua James said...

Anzio, there's this book called EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES . . . you should really get a copy.

It's all about punctuation, I couldn't really understand a damn thing you were trying to say.

If you're defending the Bush Administration, that would explain why . . . there's no rational defense of those crooks . . . and if that's what you're doing, you're simply mental.

If you're not defending them, I don't know what you were trying to say and you should think about that . . .

EFKaplan said...

Hey, Ian,

It's another classmate of 1970.

Saw you on HuffPo, an excellent place to be.

Anon: Come out!

I've become a total political junkie too. With the way things are, how can you not?

Enjoying your blog, thanks

Elizabeth (formerly Liz) Kaplan

IBG said...

LIZ--Didn't even see your comment until now. Had the settings thing screwed up. Nice to hear from you. Ian