Wednesday, September 26, 2007


The current GOP presidential field is flailing, trying desperately to find some traction, like a cartoon character trying to run on the ice. It seems not one of them can pick up any momentum, or strike an actual chord with the voters. Not Mitt, that haircut in search of a personality; nor Rudy, full-time tough guy, part-time de-nutted husband, and occasional drag queen who’s traveling the world picking his teeth with the bones of 9/11 victims; or even John McCain, who’s racing around the primary states after doing a Pimp My Bus job on the Straight Talk Express dubbing it “No Surrender.” I particularly like the “Ich Bein Ein YOUR STATE HERE” bumper sticker, though for some reason the bus keeps running out of gas, and the GPS won’t work so it just meanders aimlessly through the countryside, much like grandpa when he goes out for a walk.

It certainly seems that, barring Democratic implosion, GOP electoral college gerrymandering, a mystery candidate crawling out of the woods who hasn’t been accused of licit or illicit gay sex, or an Executive coup (“the world situation has become too volatile to allow for the orderly transfer of power…”) there will be a Democrat in the White House in 2009. However, this won’t stop the GOP machine. If it’s Hillary, the “get Clinton” forces will begin swift-boating their alleged hearts out, but that will only be Stage One of a more nefarious plot. One that has already kicked into high gear.

Deep in the heart of the Virginia suburbs, just a country walk from CIA headquarters, in the bowels of the clubhouse of a restricted country club, (where the 3rd hole is this deceptive little par 4), and guarded by an elite private security force, is a double secret Republican (yet, somehow, Federally funded) laboratory where the goal is nothing less than building a Republican presidential candidate for the 2012 election. A GOP cyborg, who will roar onto the national scene, taking advantage of the impression of a limp, Carter-esque, one-term Democratic presidency to catapult itself back into power… and remain there. Ad nauseum and beyond.

But what would it take at this point to fashion such a candidate? GOP scientists have already begun identifying those key components:

The actor-y, heterosexual good looks and overall likeability of Ronald Reagan.
The war record of Dwight Eisenhower, (with a touch of Bush 1 fighter pilot credibility).
The single-minded lust for power, and complete absence of morals of Richard Nixon.
The folksy everyman-ness and unquestionable marital fidelity of Gerry Ford.
The shock and awe-shucksiness, perceived religiosity, straightfaced lie-ability, and ultimate vacuity and malleability of Bush II.

Once these key components are isolated, they will be distilled into a goo, dumped in a vat, whipped into a fine liquid, then poured into a stately 6-foot frame, adorned with a full head of wavy hair and twilight’s last gleaming white teeth, glazed over with the powerful two-dimensionality of Mitt Romney, and then buffed to a high sheen.

Actually, we have already seen one of the prototypes: The Fred Thompson 1, though it will soon be recalled, having failed even the most preliminary field tests for perceived sincerity and intelligence. Yet, this was just a prototype and simply means there is much work to be done, as scientists continue working to distill only those choice elements from various Republicans to build an invincible Uber-Republican who will capture the hearts and minds of all Americans by the strength of his intelligence, his faith, and his character. Or by force if necessary.

Scientists realize this will be a long process. But the goal is an important one, that of re-capturing the White House and restoring it to its former glory. They know it will take much work, but it’s worth it. After all, Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day.

No comments: