PRESIDENTIAL RETIREMENT TIPS

Like cracking a window after somebody farts in the car during a hot summer road trip, the only breath of fresh air from that puppet show masquerading as a presidential address was actually hearing the words “after my administration.” Not since Nixon has an entire country thirsted to rid itself of a white house occupant and put an unholy war behind them.

Still, Mr. President, I imagine retirement will have an upside for you, too. I’m sure it will be relaxing not to have to enter the oval office (on the days you were actually there) sit there, and know that you really weren’t up to the job. Intellectually, morally, spiritually; hell, even linguistically. To have to figure out different ways to posture like a president while pretending to either know or care what you were talking about. That desk hasn’t dwarfed a person since John John sat behind it. But stupidity and power are always a tough combination. Aware of its own inadequacies, it has to be doubly vigilant to keep up the image. And that can be exhausting.

Similarly, it will be a welcome relief for most thinking Americans not to have that vomit crawl up the esophagus every time the president opens his mouth. Or to shrink from embarrassment at the thought of being led by someone so totally bankrupt. So it’ll be win-win.

As you fade away, my only hope is that you won’t get bored. Idle minds are the devil’s workshop. Hell, the last 6 years have been testament to that. Of course, there’s the 2008 election, though I doubt there’ll be much of a place for you as the GOP frontrunners will be running like hell to distance themselves from the stench. So you will have to fill the time. A few suggestions:

You could sponsor a 10K for Iraq vet amputees and their spouses to run together. Gives the 3-legged race a whole new spin. Then maybe a picnic after for the families. For a couple billion you could get KBR to cater it.
You could call OJ and see if he’s up for golf. Have a beer after in the clubhouse, and play liar’s poker. Of course, there’ll be the eulogy for Cheney, which you should get your staff working on. There’s the funding for the Presidential Libery. They have senior discounts at the movies. (Though who needs an AARP card when they’ve got the PIN number to the Treasury?) You could catch up on your reading. I can’t remember if you ever finished My Pet Goat. There will be corporate boards to sit on. Time for some payback. As you know, there’s the lucrative lecture circuit so you can refurbish the ol’ coffers, as if you haven’t been doing that these past years. But you will need a theme. How about: “I Did a Heck of a Job”?

Either way, I’m sure you’ll find stuff to keep you busy. There’s naps. Jumpin’ in the pickup and patrolling the border for illegals... Does the Special Olympics have a rodeo?