WHAT IF JESUS WAS GAY?

Though I never read The DaVinci Code, my understanding is that it was about some double secret Vatican cult dispensing an albino hit man to terminate with extreme prejudice anyone who might have proof that Jesus was married, had a kid, and descendants living in France. Or something like that. All that fuss and murder over one non-immaculate conception. Imagine how many people would have to be smoked if it turned out there was proof Jesus was gay.

And there is ample evidence. He didn’t have a kid. He was in his 30s and didn’t even have a girlfriend. He had one female BFF -- a whore. (Maybe history’s first fag hag.) He wore a Caftan, hung out with 12 guys, had long flowing hair, kissed a guy in a garden, and felt alienated, even forsaken, by his father. He talked about loving one’s neighbor, but cleverly didn’t specify the sex of that neighbor. He talked about having compassion for people. Most of the gay guys I know are very compassionate people. And upon getting a sense of his impending death, did he go out and get wasted? Gamble? Get laid? Buy a fast camel and tear up the desert? No. He threw a dinner party for his 12 guy friends.

It’s all there in the book. You don’t even have to crack the code. But it’s still ok. Even if Jesus were gay, it wouldn’t make him a bad person. It would make him the same good person, who wasn’t attracted to women. Makes you wonder why more Christians don’t get that. Though it does clear up quite a bit. Like the Haggards and Craigs of the world. It’s a very neat little syllogism: These guys are gay; these guys are true Christians; ergo, true Christians are gay. QED. (Or maybe it’s: gay people are true Christians?) Either way, it certainly explains the pope’s outfit.

And if that weren’t proof enough, there’s the First Baptist Church of Fort Lauderdale, which recently spent $1.3 million on its annual Christmas pageant, with veteran Broadway choreographers directing the moves of 600 dancers. According to the church’s senior pastor and show’s executive producer Larry Thompson: “I think Jesus would come to the show [and say], ‘Authentically you got it right.” Ok… Though I don’t exactly remember a chorus line in the manger, and I do wonder if Jesus might have suggested using the $1.3 million to feed the poor instead of mounting a glitzy Vegas-style passion play, when it comes to the interpretation and understanding of religion in this country, I guess we have to allow for some creative license.

Have an absolutely fabulous Christmas.