THE MINIMUM BASIC INTELLIGENCE ACT Beginning in 2008 there will be new minimum basic intelligence requirements for being referred to as a celebrity. Being a semi- or no-talent brain dead publicity ho with a Platinum card (or his or her significant other) will no longer be permitted. The new laws will be enacted with a 10-question IQ spot quiz, like a Breathalizer. Those scoring less than 65% will be forced to return to life as ordinary citizens, shopping at Ross and carrying only a Discover card, and their images will no longer register either on film or digitally. Those unaware that the Earth is round and that Jesus didn’t create it will be chemically reduced back into essential matter and rematerialized as house plants.
THE PROTECTION OF MARRIAGE ACT Performers will now be prohibited from marrying for at least 6 months after the wrap of a movie or concert tour. The on-set or world tour hook-up high will no longer be grounds for stating “we’re in love.” This will be replaced by a legal cooling off period in which said performers will have to return to normal life not as their characters, and actually get to know each other as people, having sex in one another’s homes, instead of in trailers, dressing rooms, or exotic island getaways. Upon satisfying that requirement, they will be allowed to marry, but not in Vegas, and must wait two years before procreating or adopting a foreign baby.
THE NORMAL NAME LAW. It will no longer be legal to give your child a name that normal people don’t consider a name, just so you can play “I named my child Quixote Lugnut. I am truly an iconoclast.” All baby names will have to be cleared with a national board of review and while child names cannot be forcibly changed retroactively, it will be now be legal for little Quixote to go to court at age 18, change his name to Steve, then come home and kick mommy’s ass sideways.
THE PHOTO OP REFUGEE VISIT BAN Empty-handed photo op celebrity visits to refugees of war-torn countries will be against the law. Dinner party rules will now apply: You want to visit—you have to bring. A box of cookies tied with string, a pup tent, a bag of rice, a cheesecake – something. If all you’ve got is a horde of photographers and a pouty “I care so deeply about your plight” expression, you will not be granted a visa. Additionally, all visits will be for a minimum of 3 months.
THE JOLIE PROHIBITION American actors will be legally banned from playing foreigners in movies, having been decreed to be linguistically retarded with no ear for foreign dialects. Also forbidden will be the use of pasty English makeup or third world bronzer. Thus, Angelina Jolie will be not be allowed to play Benazir Bhutto in the biopic and the role must be given to one of those emaciated British chicks.
THE TRANSFER OF POWERS ACT A political sidebar. Given the heinous human rights violations of the past 7 years, a new tradition will be started in 2009. Instead of taking the oath of office, the ceremony for transferring power will begin with the new democratically elected president kicking the previous office holder in the nuts, followed by a titty twister and head butt, then grabbing the former leader by the scruff of the neck and waistband and tossing him out of the oval office, followed by the ceremonial miming of the washing of the hands, the exhortation “and stay out!” and door slam. Once returned to life as an ordinary citizen, other ordinary citizens will have to legal right to perform that same ritual on the former president at will in what will be referred to as the law’s “Deserved Asskicking” rider.