Wednesday, January 16, 2008


The judges sit at their table. Paula squirms, playfully. Bored, Simon coquettishly chews on his pencil. Randy’s just ready for business. The door opens and the next contestant enters. It’s Hitler, wearing the traditional military outfit, stormtrooper boots, and Nazi hat. Simon secretly rolls his eyes for Randy’s benefit. Randy hides his smile. Paula quietly chides them both to be polite, as Hitler plants himself center stage.

Paula: Hi. I love your outfit. What’s your name?
Hitler: Adolf Hitler. I am from Germany and will be singing Deutschland Uber Alles. It means Germany Above All.
Randy: Interesting. Whenever you’re ready…

Hitler clears his throat, composes himself, then begins to sing in a deep baritone. He’s wildly out of key. At times, he seems possessed, as his eyes roll back in his head.

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles,
Über alles in der Welt,
Wenn es stets zu Schutz und Trutze
Brüderlich zusammenhält,
Von der Maas bis an die Memel,
Von der Etsch bis an den Belt -
Deutschland, Deutschland über--

Simon (cuts him off; dismissive): Thank you!

Hitler stops singing, realizing he’s been cut off. Hoping it was because they loved him and had heard enough to send him to Hollywood, he stands and faces the judges, who trade glances to see who goes first.

Paula: Well, first off, I have to say that I applaud your patriotism. Everyone should be so proud of their country to come on television dressed in their native costume and sing their national anthem. She’s done. She looks to Simon, who’s still coquettishly chewing his pencil. He defers to Randy.

Randy: Fine. Ok, Dawg, check it out. First off, mad props for the outfit. The English fox hunt boots with the whole military joint. It’s working for you. But I gotta keep it real -- your song choice -- maybe not right for what we’re doing. And it was a little pitchy in spots. Simon?

Simon: “I’m sorry, but I have to be honest, I haven’t the slightest idea what I just saw. The costume is absurd, like something out of some cheesy World War II movie. And the moustache (pronounced mous-tache) is just ridiculous. It’s like you couldn’t decide whether to go clean shaven or with the full mous-tache so you landed on some inane compromise that looks like a Velcro square you’d put on the dash of your car to hold your driving glasses. In all it was an absolute abomination. And the song choice was not only misguided, it wasn’t even out of key because it never landed in any particular key to begin with. I’m sorry but for me it’s more than a “no,” it’s a “not while I’m alive.”

Randy: Sorry, dawg.
Paula shakes her head sadly. “Sorry.”

A beat. Hitler stands there and takes it in. A lone tear falls down his face and his lower lip begins to quiver.

Hitler: I could sing another song.
Randy: No!
Hitler: It’s “Mandy.”
Paula: You’re very sweet.
Randy: Thanks for coming in.
Hitler: I rehearsed it.
Simon: (emphatic) Thank you!
Hitler: I really believe I’m the next American Idol.
Simon: Look, this is a singing competition (pronounced com-petition.) Maybe you should see if someone’s trying to put together a Teutonic version of the Village People.

A beat. Hitler’s frozen, not knowing how to retreat with dignity. He bites his lower lip, then turns and exits, reaching for the wrong door. He pulls on the locked door.

Simon (bored): The one on the left!

Hitler gets the correct door and exits. Outside the audition room, Ryan and the cameras are waiting. Hitler enters.

Ryan: Hmm. Looks like it didn’t go too well.

Hitler’s sadness suddenly turns to rage, as he launches into an invective-laced tirade.

Hitler: They’re assholes! They’re all assholes! (The word “asshole” is bleeped twice and the area around his mouth is digitally altered so we don’t see him mouth the word.) I am so perfect for this show! I am the greatest singer the world has ever known! (TO CAMERA) Fuck you, Simon! (The “fuck” is bleeped. And his extended middle finger is digitally covered.) You haven’t heard the last of me! I’ll be back! I’ll be more famous than all of them! The hills of Europe will be alive with the sound of my music! I will conquer America! Like The Beatles! And The Dave Clark Five! I will be more popular than Jesus! And Kelly Clarkson! The future belongs to me! I am the truth! I am the light! I am the way! I will lead a new world order! KSW!

Hitler gets on the escalator and rides down. As he disappears, we hear a deep, off-key baritone singing in a German accent: “Oh, Mandy! Well, you came and you gave without taking! But I sent you away, oh Mandy….”

Ryan turns to camera, whistles, rolls his eyes and makes twirly circles with his index finger by his head in the universal sign for “crazy.”

Back inside the audition room, the judges try to stifle their laughter.

Paula: He was sweet.
Randy: He was bad. Bad song choice.
Paula: I know. But he got up there in front of us and that took courage.
Simon rolls his eyes and chews on his pencil, coquettishly.
Simon: Sweetheart, he was insane. I swear, I don’t know where they dig these people up. Who’s next?

1 comment:

Dhppy said...

This is absolutely the first time I've heard (or read) Simon's mannerisms described as "coquettish" and yet it's frighteningly accurate.