Monday, January 21, 2008


1) “CHUCK NORRIS…” This is a national election. The fate of the nation and the world hang on the outcome. Chuck Norris is, only in the loosest possible sense of the word, an “actor,” and now appears in infomercials wearing some fruit-colored hairpiece, selling exercise equipment with Christie Brinkley, when he’s not out barnstorming for Jesus. Why do his opinions carry any weight anywhere outside of his own candy-colored head?

2) THINKS… He’s not an historian. A scholar. A political reporter. A keen observer of the world scene. A writer for any reputable publication. A present or former office holder. He doesn’t even mean anything in legitimate show business. So, who gives a shit what Chuck Norris thinks? Any sentence that begins with the words “Chuck Norris thinks” should be aborted before it grows to term.

3) …MCCAIN MAY BE TOO OLD FOR THE WHITE HOUSE. McCain is not too old for the White House. McCain is too crazy for the White House. He sold his soul to W., who only loaned his soul to Jesus for his tenure in the White House. A year from today, W. will buy it back with the cash he’s socked away and rededicate his life to Jack Daniels.

4) But, having been stuck with a sentence that begins: “Chuck Norris thinks,” one wonders what else he thinks. Well, for starters, he thinks Creationism is real, and Bible study and prayer belong in public schools. Theocracy, anyone? The United Parishes of America?

5) Sure, we live in the political age of the celebrity endorsement. Obama got Oprah, but when he speaks, he speaks. He doesn’t hand off the mike to Oprah for her opinions on other candidates or, more importantly, on the state of the nation.

6) If Huckabee’s platform is so weak that all he could get was someone from the bottom of the D List as backup, what does that say about his candidacy? Couldn’t he even attract even a C List celeb? No Christian comics? Country singers? AA graduates? He held his born again fat pants upside down and shook them out for celebrity spare change and the biggest coin that dropped out was Chuck Norris?

7) Yet, Huck did attach himself to Chuck Norris? And not just for convenience. But because Chuck represents his beliefs. What does this say about his political judgment?

8) If Chuck Norris really is in tune with the candidate’s beliefs… If it is indeed “The Huckabee Campaign, starring Chuck Norris” or “The Pastor Huck and Chuck Show,” I’m sure it plays to his base, but why would he think it would have any resonance for those Americans who went beyond high school and actually experience an original thought every now and then? What does this say about Huck’s opinion of the rest of the country that we’d be swayed by the apple-haired Total Gym guy?

9)Just because the born again segment of the population has scored some political clout, why does their endorsement suddenly become the litmus test for a candidacy? Why do we allow narrow-mindedness, and intellectual rigidity masquerading as religion define who we are as a people? Sure we got fooled, and fooled again, but is anyone really in the mood at this point for a trip further back into the intellectual dark ages?

10) I don’t care how much weight he lost, or that he plays the bass. It’s fucking embarrassing.