Thursday, April 14, 2011

Springtime for God

Two thousand years ago a mystic was the victim of a political assassination, which grew into a legend that not only involved his birth being the result of a magic Man in the Sky having magic sex with a virginal earth lady, but featured the kicker that 3 days after his death, he came back to life. Now, to celebrate an occurrence that has only been seen in Night of the Living Dead, his followers have parades featuring people dressed up in repulsive pastel suits and big, funny hats, after which a tall man in a bunny suit scatters colored chocolate eggs on a lawn for children to find. Not to be outdone at this time of year, Jews commemorate a time over 2000 years ago, when the magic Man in the Sky showed his love for them by sticking them in bondage in Egypt as slave laborers until such time when he thought maybe they'd taken enough shit so he concocted a plan to free them which involved an ultimatum to the Egyptian ruler, who said yes, then changed his mind and said no, so the Man in the Sky told the head Jew to slaughter a lamb and then take the blood and make an "x" over the door of every Jewish household so that his special hit man would know to "pass" them "over" on his way to slaughtering the first born son of every Egyptian household, after which the Jews ran for the border which, in this case, was the ocean, pursued by the Egyptian army, at which point the Man in the Sky made the sea part so that the Jews could run across it to freedom, and then he let the sea back in to drown their pursuers, in what was the first recorded Deus Ex Machina ending in actual history. Then, to show his true love for his people, the Man in the Sky had them roam around in the scorching hot desert for 40 years before revealing a piece of real estate he had picked out for them all along. And now, over 2000 years later, Jews celebrate by having dinner, passing a plate of disgusting foods around the table, and reading the story out loud, ignoring the fact that if the Man in the Sky loved the Jews so much why did he sell them into slavery in the first place? Or if he wanted to let his people go, why not just transport them across the ocean? Or if he wanted them to show a little effort and make a run for it, why not just give the Angel of Death the addresses of the Egyptian kids instead of going through the elaborate scheme with the lamb's blood to mark all the Jewish households? Or simply just kill all the Egyptians so that no one would run after them, at which point if the Jews felt like it, they could've just stayed put in Egypt and taken over. And if Jews were going to celebrate all that several thousand years later, why not randomly kick an Egyptian in the balls and then put on jogging outfits and run into the ocean instead of all that shit with the egg that smells like a fart and the bitter herbs?

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