Thursday, April 28, 2011


Palin mocks Couric over CBS exit
(CNN) - As Katie Couric gets set to leave CBS News after five years in the anchor chair, it doesn't appear as if Sarah Palin will be sending any flowers. Appearing on Fox News Tuesday, Palin mocked the CBS newswoman who told People Magazine she is looking forward to a new position that will facilitate "multi-dimensional storytelling." "Yeah, and I hear that she wants to now engage in more 'multi-dimensional story telling' versus I guess just the 'straight on, read into the, that teleprompter screen story telling,'" Palin said. "More power to her. I wish her well in her - 'multi-dimensional story telling.'"

It's normal for kids to be embarrassed by their parents. They're always doing things that make us cringe, like forcing us to eat green shit, or hug grandma, who all too often smells of chicken fat. But sometimes they say things that are so mind numbingly stupid and mean that it becomes impossible to remain silent. Such is the case here. My idiot mother shows her total lack of class by reaching back almost 3 years to issue a snarky, infantile crack to Katie Couric upon her announcement that she'll be leaving the CBS evening news, as if this "failed experiment" somehow retroactively invalidates the simple, direct question she asked that my "r word" mom couldn't answer. Face it, ma. You fucked up. On camera. You got outed as an imbecile for the world to see because you couldn't ad lib a response to the straight-ahead, unloaded question: "What do you read? The fact that you're still smarting from this after all these years shows that you know how badly you fucked up and like all true imbeciles, you blame Couric instead of yourself.

Now I realize that some people may think that the word I used is harsh. Many people don't like this word. They think it should be retired from the language along with the "n" word and the "r" word. They think the word is coarse, crude, and sexist. But language exist for the purpose of describing experience. A guy who is selfish, boisterous, belligerent, and offensive is rightly referred to as a dick. Or a prick. Sometimes the coarse, crude word is what fits. It sums up personality traits in a simple, straightforward way, and to forbid its usage would be to limit our ability to communicate. Just as a guy can be dick. A woman who is petty, spiteful, selfish, mean, vindictive, snarky and belligerent is a cunt. Not a c**t. Not a "c word." Not a "see you next Tuesday." A Cunt. And my mom is a cunt. As for calling her a dumb cunt, the dumb part was just for flavor.

And, by the way, ma -- Eli's comin'. That's right. He's writing the book. Of course, he's not writing it himself. He can't write. He can barely read. Chances are if you showed him a book, he'd eat it. Give him a computer, he'd try to crack a walnut with it. But you know that this poor, dumb redneck knows shit and he's spillin' that shit to a ghostwriter as we speak. Fate's a bitch, ain't it? If this bobblehead doll hadn't knocked up your kid, he'd be picking up trash on the highway outside Wasilla. But he's got eyes, ears, a long memory, a score to settle and cash to pocket. He may be a dope, but he's no fool. Better start working on some snarky comebacks. You're gonna need them.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Now that the president has shown his long-form birth certificate, many are asking what purpose Trump's public campaign over it has served, particularly when most sane people agree that it is and always has been a non-issue. A non-troversy. Racist swift boating from a man whose sole intent is to delegitimize this president in any way possible. It's the attack of a thousand cuts. Allege anything and everything and hope that some of it sticks. It's not prose. It's poetry. But coming from The Donald, has it been mere political grandstanding? A public introductory reach-around to the Tea Baggers? Or has there been something more sinister going on? Something... evil? Was Trump's public fornication with the birthers a distraction from a more heinous secret he's been hiding? People are saying it is. Word is that many in closed circles have been whispering for some time that Trump has been hiding his true identity in a quest for money, power and, ultimately, world domination. People are saying that Trump is the son of the Devil.

Yes, reasonable people say it's ludicrous. Idiotic. That there is no actual "devil." Or "Satan." So how could he have a son. That he's just a metaphor for the evil in men's souls. Or is this itself just a meme that has been floated into the public consciousness to distract the public from the activities of someone with an agenda of world domination? Of course, when allegations like this are imprinted on the public mindset, rational people respond by asking: where is the proof? What possible evidence could there be for such an accusation? The proof, some say, is on his head. The mark of the devil: 666.

"Absurd!" "Outrageous!" "Defamatory!" Or is it?... It's a well-known fact that the mark of the devil -- 666 -- is imprinted on the head of his spawn. This is documented in the Book of Revelations, Verse 18: "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six." 

The Bible also says that the Anti-christ will first accrue great wealth as a steppingstone to political power. But where is the proof that it applies to Trump? The proof is in the man himself. The proof... is in the hair. Trump is an egomaniac. That is well-documented. He's rich. Arrogant. Vain. He takes great pride in his appearance. However, no man with even a modicum of self-respect would orchestrate a ridiculous side-whip combover cotton candy confection like that on top of his head... Why would he go to the trouble of putting on an Armani suit when the top of his head looks like vanilla soft serve? Unless he's hiding something. Something... that would out him as the personification of evil. Something... like the mark of the devil. Trump obviously suffers from male-pattern baldness. And while baldness has been the bane of existence for men over the ages, recently the shaved head has established itself in the culture as a legitimate fashion choice. So, why hasn't he shaved his head? Or gotten hair transplants? Some say it's because he can't risk anyone seeing what has been imprinted on his head. 666. The mark of the devil. 

Still, some apologists counter that this is mere conjecture. Maybe so. But it's not the only evidence. Not by a longshot. There is something even more frightening. Trump's birthday itself. Donald John Trump was born June 14, 1946 in Queens, New York.  New York. Home of many Jews. But there's more. Look at the date itself: June 14, 1946. 6/14/46. The first number: 6. The last number: 6.  And the middle: 144. 1+4+4=9. And 9 upside-down... 6. 666. The mark of the devil. 

Yes, it's shocking. Bone chilling. Frightening. People shudder to think that someone who has accrued vast wealth, who has plastered his name all over the world on the front of garish ego palaces may be the personification of evil. Others will argue that this is idiotic. Nonsense. A cheap, cowardly attack on a man's background and character to score points in a political fight. But until it is put to rest there will never be definitive proof. And the American people need to know the true identity of someone who may attempt to become the most powerful person on the face of the Earth. 

That is why people are calling on Mr. Trump to settle this once and for all in the only way possible: By shaving his head on national television on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Shaving his head in front of live cameras in a broadcast that will be watched by, in Trump's estimation, trillions of people all over the galaxy, will put this controversy to rest once and for all and ease the minds of God-fearing Americans who need to know that a man who may run for the presidency is not the spawn of The Devil. The ball's in your court, Mr. Trump. The world is watching.  

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Springtime for God

Two thousand years ago a mystic was the victim of a political assassination, which grew into a legend that not only involved his birth being the result of a magic Man in the Sky having magic sex with a virginal earth lady, but featured the kicker that 3 days after his death, he came back to life. Now, to celebrate an occurrence that has only been seen in Night of the Living Dead, his followers have parades featuring people dressed up in repulsive pastel suits and big, funny hats, after which a tall man in a bunny suit scatters colored chocolate eggs on a lawn for children to find. Not to be outdone at this time of year, Jews commemorate a time over 2000 years ago, when the magic Man in the Sky showed his love for them by sticking them in bondage in Egypt as slave laborers until such time when he thought maybe they'd taken enough shit so he concocted a plan to free them which involved an ultimatum to the Egyptian ruler, who said yes, then changed his mind and said no, so the Man in the Sky told the head Jew to slaughter a lamb and then take the blood and make an "x" over the door of every Jewish household so that his special hit man would know to "pass" them "over" on his way to slaughtering the first born son of every Egyptian household, after which the Jews ran for the border which, in this case, was the ocean, pursued by the Egyptian army, at which point the Man in the Sky made the sea part so that the Jews could run across it to freedom, and then he let the sea back in to drown their pursuers, in what was the first recorded Deus Ex Machina ending in actual history. Then, to show his true love for his people, the Man in the Sky had them roam around in the scorching hot desert for 40 years before revealing a piece of real estate he had picked out for them all along. And now, over 2000 years later, Jews celebrate by having dinner, passing a plate of disgusting foods around the table, and reading the story out loud, ignoring the fact that if the Man in the Sky loved the Jews so much why did he sell them into slavery in the first place? Or if he wanted to let his people go, why not just transport them across the ocean? Or if he wanted them to show a little effort and make a run for it, why not just give the Angel of Death the addresses of the Egyptian kids instead of going through the elaborate scheme with the lamb's blood to mark all the Jewish households? Or simply just kill all the Egyptians so that no one would run after them, at which point if the Jews felt like it, they could've just stayed put in Egypt and taken over. And if Jews were going to celebrate all that several thousand years later, why not randomly kick an Egyptian in the balls and then put on jogging outfits and run into the ocean instead of all that shit with the egg that smells like a fart and the bitter herbs?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Forrest Trump

I hesitate to draw the comparison between the two personalities, not because Trump didn't have a learning disability or goofy legs, but because Forrest Gump was nice. What the fuck is this guy's problem? You're a well-known billionaire real estate developer, and host of your own silly reality show. You have an ego and lack of compassion and introspection usually reserved for actors or middle-eastern dictators. Yet, you wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to run for president." Not because the country needs me. But because I want it. But you've never let obstacles get in your way in the past and now is no time to start. So you decide it's time to start speaking out on the issues, establish a platform, give people a sense of the direction you would take the country. So, how is it you figure that the way to show your grasp of the major problems facing the country and the world is to dive right to the bottom of the intellectual septic tank and come up with birtherism in your mouth? Not just as an aside. But as the basis for your attack as you head for the nomination. How do you figure: "this will show people that I'm not just a serious candidate, but a serious human being"? If you're so fucking smart, how do you do something so fucking stupid? If business was your area of expertise, why not make our dealings with China your sole platform? Republicans have laid out the argument that the deficit is the greatest threat to our security. Why not jump on it instead of allying yourself with a racist attack.

Now,  as to the deeper comparison: Forrest Gump had some disabilities. Yet, he took determination and a good heart and excelled. Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, then proceeded to stick it up his ass and pull out most of his opinions. Forrest was a noble soul who looked for the good in everyone. Trump is a spiteful motherfucker who enjoys publics spats. Forrest had humility. Trump's got more hot air blowing through him than a Thanksgiving Day Parade float.  Forrest was madly in love with one woman and that love sustained his faith in her despite every imaginable obstacle. Trump trades in wives like most people trade in car leases. Forrest healed those around him by putting goodness into the world. Trump builds garish, eponymous, gold-plated phalluses that blight the cityscape. Forrest thought before he spoke, and was sincere in his dealings. He was honest when he was confused, and that honesty permeated everything he did. Trump's most recent self-aggrandizing claim and presidential qualification was that he screwed Gaddafi on a real estate deal. Forrest took his humanity overseas and became a good will ambassador. Trump's POV on the world is to take over Iraq and steal the oil. Forrest had nice hair. Enough said.

On second thought: other than the fact that their last names rhyme, there is no comparison. Frankly, if Tom Hanks would take on the persona of Forrest Gump and spend 8 years in the oval office, I would happily sit back, secure in the knowledge that the country had not only a compassionate leader, but one wise enough to know his limitations. If Trump won the presidency, I would move to China.
In short: Trump's a retard.

GUMP 2016! 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The 2012 Political Mind Fox

"I misspoke." GOP translation: "I shot off my mouth before considering if the effluence that spewed out had even a tangential relationship to the truth. Turns out it didn't." Or "I fucked up, or just flat out lied, and you busted me." From Michelle Bachmann's hysterical historical revisionism to Preacher Huck's dyslexic snipe at Natalie Portman for having "an out of baby wedlock." Although perhaps that was just a side-snipe at Bristol Palin and her grizzly mama. I guess he didn't have the Huckaballs to take on the bagger queen directly for fear of losing his head, or her potential support, for whatever that's worth these days.

But even more demeaning was Huck's attack on the president for his Kenyan childhood, citing the Mau Mau revolution as the root of his anti-colonialism. It's a mark of this particular kind of idiocy that Huck can begin a sentence with "one thing I do know" and then proceed to get the facts wrong. But, undeterred by the truth, Huck segued into the president's "otherness" citing that he grew up "different." He wasn't a boy scout like the rest of us. (I didn't realize being a boy scout was a prerequisite for running for national office. Wonder how that will effect Newt's candidacy, as clearly the man was no boy scout.) Of course, once it was pointed out to Huck that the president spent some of his early childhood in Indonesia, not Kenya, he walked it back with "I misspoke," yet stuck by his point.  Then there's the birther bullshit's most recent champion -- Donald Trump -- his jowly face and protruding jaw jutting out like a defiant Mussolini as he called for "the truth." Obviously, the obligatory first step in running for the Republican nomination is a long-distance reach-around to the tea baggers. Of course, some pundits say: "It's working because he's getting a lot of attention." True. Although, a 3-year-old child who walks into the room, pulls down his pants, and craps on the rug will get a lot of attention. That doesn't add any depth to the proceedings.

But while it's amusing to lampoon the birther nonsense, it's dangerous to ignore it. In a world where one is guilty by accusation, the birther message isn't meant to be taken literally except by a small segment of mouth-breathers. It's not rational. It's emotional. And subliminal. It's not the words; it's the music. Kenya. Indonesia. Doesn't matter. The "he's different and not one of us" meme is being dusted off again as part of the upcoming campaign, though it's really just a component of the same political mindfuck that's been going on for years. Mike Dukakis was guilty of letting a rapist go free. Max Cleland was guilty of being unpatriotic. John McCain was guilty of fathering a black child. John Kerry was guilty of lying about his combat record. Barack Obama was guilty of "pallin' around with terrorists." And of not being a real American. Not one of us. Not like you and me. Foreign. And he's taking our country away! All because there's that special word they just can't use anymore, in public, but they know a certain Neanderthal segment of the electorate is thinking. But it's not personal. It's strictly politics. That's when the lies go from personal to policy. And they're not always so obviously birther crazy. In this case, the lies hide inside the talking points.

There's the double secret "destructive and costly takeover of our health care system that will do irreparable damage to our economy," as the Repeal it Now ad goes. By calling it "Obamacare" and framing it as "a diabolical plot hatched in back rooms in the dead of night" it's the same lie. The man who's not like you and me is taking away our health care. It's not health care. It's "Obamacare!" It's Socialist! And if it's not repealed you'll soon have Planned Parenthood handing out free abortions in malls, and condoms to fetuses.

Then there was the "don't raise taxes on ANYONE during a recession" talking point repeated ad nauseum by every Republican, despite the fact that it's insane to claim budgets can be balanced by only cutting spending. Anyone knows if you're having money problems you have to make more and spend less. Removing the ability to raise revenue removes one of only two weapons you have. It was also a lie to claim that taxing the wealthier segments of the population another 3% was a punitive attack on job creators. How? These were individual tax rates. Not corporate. Someone has 50k in a business and creates a job with it, the money doesn't get taxed. He takes it out as personal salary, it gets taxed. But there was no job created. So where's the punishment?

It's a lie to frame Social Security and Medicare as "entitlements." The implication is that these are government gifts, which people haven't worked for or don't deserve, as opposed to government programs that have been established because as a society we place a value on helping those who need it. And we will all eventually need some help. Even Republicans get old, retire, get sick, and die. Or is the assumption that they don't need social programs to help them through their golden years as their Lehman Brothers retirement accounts should do the trick?

It was a lie to claim that the problem in Tucson was simply one of mental health screening and had nothing to do with the sale of 31-bullet clips, once outlawed as part of the assault weapons ban. You can't outlaw insanity. All you can do is pass laws against the ability of the insane to get their hands on weapons of mass destruction that can make the difference between murder and mass murder. By taking guns off the table and making it purely a mental health issue, the Republicans lit a candle in the First Church of the NRA.

It's a lie that there is something called "the war on terror." Terrorism is not geographical. It's psychological. And as long as we keep invading that part of the world to wipe out terrorism, we set the table for the mindset that leads to more terrorism. Recently Secretary Gates was in Afghanistan to "discuss the progress of the 9-year war." Exactly how to you assess the progress of a 9-year war? It's been going on for 9 years. That's the progress. Afghanistan is a narcostate ruled by local warlords and Islamic militant fanatics who we armed and supported militarily when their mission was fighting the Russians. Only then, they were the Mujahideen freedom fighters. And what little central government they have is corrupt. Exactly what style democracy are we wrapping up to give them for Christmas? It doesn't matter where the terrorists put the monkey bars to train on. They can join another gym. If it's really about their proximity to Pakistan and its nukes, then shore up Pakistan and its nukes. And don't try to block the ratification of a treaty that was designed to keep loose nuclear material out of the hands of those insane enough to use it. Unless of course, as with 31-clip magazines, the problem isn't the material, it's the user. So let's not bother to restrict it. Nukes for everyone! Let's sell 'em at gun shows.

And as for the uprising in Libya, it didn't matter what the president did. The Republicans would attack him anyway. They're not against bombing. They're against O-bombing. They can't decide if he went in too early, or too late. Yet, if he sat on the sidelines they would've squawked about him being weak and indecisive while thousands of freedom fighters were slaughtered by a repressive dictator. The way that Saddam Hussein's gassing of the Kurds was used as one of the litany of excuses to go into Iraq. Of course, Hussein did that in 1988, when George H.W. Bush was president. And we didn't invade until 2003. So, apparently our moral outrage is on a 15-year delay. It's the GOP's ad hoc morality. Watch them in campaign mode as they moonwalk away from previous stances on cap and trade, health care, alternative energy, as well as alternative approaches to monogamy. Hyping the fear of the ballooning deficit as an excuse to cut social programs, defund planned parenthood, and gut the power of unions is the Shock Doctrine in action. Is it any wonder that Republicans are so desperate to cut aid to education? An uneducated citizenry is a dumbed down and easily manipulated electorate.

It was a lie to claim that public unions need to forfeit their right to collective bargaining, for fear that they'll never give back any benefits in a troubled economy, particularly at a time when they've just given back benefits in a troubled economy. The facts themselves negated Walker's argument and simply painted him as the chinless, beedy-eyed, power hungry little martinet he is. But it was part of a campaign of terror going on in this country, launched by people trying to take America back to some mythical Randian utopia in which abortion is outlawed, there's rampant oil drilling, strip mining, and natural gas fracking, no financial or environmental regulation on business, and no taxes on business. Where business can roam free and workers can't bargain because unemployment is so high and they're so grateful to have jobs that they'll work as long and hard and under any conditions that owners demand. (Why is it when people in the Middle East rise up to oppose a dictator, they're freedom fighters. But when U.S. workers do it, they're evil and greedy?)

Though there's one element of this whole diabolical mess that the Kochs of the world don't seem to get. The business utopia they yearn for has already existed -- in 19th century England during the Industrial Revolution in which abuses of the labor force lead to the writing of Karl Marx, and eventually to the Russian Revolution, the creation of the Soviet Union and most of the mayhem that dominated the latter half of the 20th century. When the Walkers of the world unite, and strip workers of their rights and their dignity, they unintentionally create the environment for their own worst nightmare.

And then there's Fox News and its most Phamous Phanatic, Glenn Beck -- the clown prince of the Murdoch empire with his Ed Wynn on bad acid blackboard ravings. Again many on the left take delight in debunking his idiotic arguments. But there's something else going on here: Beck is misdirection. The pretty girl in a magic act. A way of forcing the audience's attention to something so obviously silly, while the magician slips his hand in his pocket to pull out a prop, letting him pull off the trick. Or, in this case, letting the lies quietly slip through unnoticed. And unchallenged, at least on network news.

We're being played. Manipulated. Propagandized. In short-- lied to. Not the random lie, but a more systematic fucking of the national mindset based on the notion that if you repeat a lie over and over, and no one refutes it, it takes on the patina of truth. After all, how could it be a lie if everyone's saying it? But here's the thing: People with legitimate arguments to make, make their arguments legitimately, through dialogue and debate, not through histrionics and hypnotically repeating the same talking points over and over. Like "Scrap the bill, start over." "Don't raise taxes on ANYONE during a down economy." "Obamacare" is a "government takeover of health care." (And ask yourself this: the Huckabee "repeal the bill" 60-second spot has been running on MSNBC for months, and more than once a day. Who has the money to pay for that? In whose interest is it to have this legislation disappear?) And, of course, there's the fear being stoked about the ballooning deficit and the demands of Social Security and Medicare that could cripple future generations. Why is it that the party that cares so deeply about our grandchildren's economic well-being doesn't seem lose any sleep over the quality of their air, water, how hot the Earth will be, or if the fish they eat will be covered in oil, or radioactive?

So, now it's campaign season, and Republicans are lining up their talking points, and dusting off their lies and fear tactics -- essentially lubing up the public for the mindfuck that's to come. Because the only thing Republicans hate more than taxes and gay people kissing is being out of power. From the moment of this president's inauguration, with Dick Cheney in a wheelchair doing his best Dr. Strangelove impression, President Obama has been hit from every angle, most every day, the goal of which was to weaken his popularity, cripple his presidency and set the table for 2012. They did the same thing in 1992 with the Clintons. But no one asked for Clinton's birth certificate because he was obviously white. They just pondered if he personally killed Vince Foster, made any shady land deals, travel arrangements, or social arrangements. The attacks need to fit the person. But it wasn't really a "right wing conspiracy." It was just politics GOP-style.

So get ready for the attacks on the president to get more frantic, more furious, and more hysterical, as the new Fox news slogan changes to "All Fear - All The Time!" Obamacare will destroy us! The deficit will cripple us! Greedy unions are bankrupting the states! Or Newt's recent clarion call in a speech to the John Hagee crowd in which he said: "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [my grandchildren] are my age they will be in a secular, atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

Clearly they're getting desperate. And the obvious reason is that they still lack a true champion to carry the flag. The GOP field is so anemic that their choices boil down to a rich, white guy, an egomaniacal, rich white guy, an evangelical Christian white guy, a fat Southern white guy, a fat, pompous philandering white guy, a few interchangeable, boring Midwestern white guys, a stupid white woman, a crazy, stupid white woman, and a black guy who ran a pizza business. So get ready to be afraid, be very afraid. And as the candidates head to Iowa,  let the squirmish begin!