Greetings from Baghdad where The Surge is Working and it’s a balmy 130 degrees, so don’t forget that sunblock. SPF 50 ought to do it.
The flight was unremarkable, though private, thank God. I mean, if you’re going to visit a warzone, might as well be on a G4. Uneventful landing, no SAM’s whizzing by the fuselage. And, to my surprise, a duty free store at the airport with candy and scores of watches. Must remember on the way out to grab some I (heart) Baghdad T shirts for the kids and mugs for the CBS staff.
So much to take in on my first day. Ride to the so-called Green Zone was a stark reminder that there’s a war going on here. Concrete barricades everywhere, lots of barbed wires. And the checkpoints. One after the other. Apparently, the place used to be strewn with IED’s – military shorthand for Improvised Explosive Devices – which insurgents (the bad people) have used to blow up U.S. troops (the good people) and even many Iraqis (the people caught in the middle.) But that doesn’t happen as often because The Surge is Working.
Finally made it to the Green Zone, which I’ve been told is the absolute must first (and only) stop for a foreigner in Baghdad. Since all this terminology is new to many Americans, let me explain. The “Green Zone” is where important good people live, to make it harder for bad people to blow them up. Our living conditions are hugely luxurious. We’ve taken over a house rented from a wealthy Iraqi entrepreneur (wonder if he knows where any of that missing 8 billion is. Should make a note to schedule a hard-hitting, no-nonsense interview.) Anyway, the house has air conditioning, a pretty spacious kitchen, and multiple televisions. Alas, no flat screens or HD but, heck, when you’re at the front lines, you need to learn to tough it out.
Met some of the CBS staff, including a producer who’s been here from the beginning of the war. I asked him why he didn’t try to get another assignment. He said: “This is one of the most important stories in the world. I’m a reporter. It’s not only my job to understand the situation from an historical, religious, and geo-political perspective, but to be an eye- witness to events as they unfold, then to learn the facts, and report those facts back to the American people in as unbiased a way as I possibly can so they can become a more informed electorate, and that requires my physically being in the country for extended periods of time instead of parachuting in for a week for a photo op just to give myself some instant journalistic street cred.” Hmm… Apparently, that happens. Wouldn’t be surprised though, as there will probably more journalists in town pretty soon as The Surge is Working.
Later in the day, we visited the home of a typical Iraqi family just to see what day-to-day life was for them. Even though their apartment was small, extremely hot, had no running water and spotty electricity, (which would be like a 2-grand a month upper east side one bedroom) they were warm and welcoming. And while they told me they were afraid for their safety on a daily basis, the most heartbreaking thing of all was that their young children, ages 9, 7, and 8 months couldn’t even play outside because of the bombs and bullets. Yet the parents don’t blame U.S. forces and hope that the Americans will stay because if they don’t “the militias will kill everyone.” I told them not to worry about that because The Surge is Working.
(A thought: would’ve been fun to bring Willard here for one of his Smuckers tribute to those rascally centenarians, but I’ve been told that it’s tough to find anyone in Iraq who’s made it past 100.)
When we returned my producer informed me that what we did was a bit dangerous and we could have been victims of a kidnapping, or worse, which has happened to scores of journalists in Baghdad since the war began four years ago. Great, now he tells me!
Anyway, I’m anxious to get to my exclusive interview with General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker to get a better handle on the situation on the ground, as all Americans, up to and including the president, are anxiously awaiting their report to the Congress and the American people, having absolutely no idea what they’re going to say. Hmm…I smell a scoop.
All in all, it’s been an eventful day, and has given me a fuller appreciation of the situation on the ground and admiration and respect for our troops who I’m told must patrol the 110 degree streets in full body armor and heavy uniforms, but they are the boots of freedom – boots for which we should all be grateful.
Tune in tomorrow for more of my report from the front lines in Baghdad. We’ll be featuring “Kevlar fashions for Fall” hosted by Donna Karan, a cooking segment entitled: “Quickie goat recipes for that electric oven that’s only got an hour of power a day!” and a Concert in the Rubble, featuring the song stylings of crooner Michael Buble, who’ll be singing his new hit single: “The Surge is Working.” If that doesn’t get the bullets flying from all sides, I don’t know what will.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Army “Quick Ship” Bonus: Alternative To A Dead End Job
In an effort to bolster military ranks in time of war the army has instituted a new $20,000 “quick ship” bonus to get recruits to enlist and ship out immediately. In just 3 weeks the army had enlisted 3814 recruits using the bonus. James Hosek, a defense manpower expert at the Rand Corp., said that though the quick-ship bonus is a "very smart move" by the Army, it could attract people who are less motivated to be in the service.”
As with all contracts, it is advisable to consult an attorney before signing, however in the interest of clarity, the fine points are paraphrased as follows:
A) While termed “quick ship,” it is not quick pay. The enlistee will received $10,000 upon completing basic training and advanced individual training, with the remaining $10,000 paid out in even annual sums over the course of their initial active duty enlistment, based on the formula of one year=12 months. (Note: the term of service is extendable solely at the discretion of the army as it deems necessary.)
B) The remaining portion is reducible if the enlistee does not complete service. If said enlistee is killed in action, the remainder of the bonus is reduced by the number of months unserved, as the enlistee did not complete the contracted portion of service, as a result of death.
C) If enlistee is injured: the 10k is reduced per a formula based on “body part lost” (hereafter designated “BPL”) and terms of service (hereafter designated “TOS.”) The BPL formula breaks down as follows: the enlistee is designated as essentially a human body comprised of five major working parts: two arms, two legs, and one head. If an arm or leg is lost, diminishing enlistee by 1/5, enlistee will forfeit 20% of the outstanding bonus, collecting only 80%, further reduced by the amount of TOS unserved, based on the aforementioned BPL. Two BPL: 60%, three BPL 40%, etc… However, in the eventuality of BPL, the army will provide the appropriate prosthesis (prostheses), thus returning the enlistee in essentially the identical working condition as received.
D) Fingers and toes will be considered minor body parts (MBP), and designated as 1/10th of the abovementioned 1/5th BP, however their loss would not necessarily render the enlistee incapable of resuming service. It would be at enlistee’s discretion to continue service, therefore collecting the remaining portion of the bonus (less the per-digit percentage MBPL). If, however, enlistee decides not to continue service, the remaining portion will be reduced by the aforementioned formulae.
E) Further MBP designations include loss of eye (½ of a major working part; see also “ear,” “nostril,” and “testicle”), therefore the enlistee will only forfeit 10% of the outstanding bonus. However, if both eyes are lost (hereafter designated as “blindness”), or both ears are lost (hereafter designated as “deafness”) the entire remaining portion will be forfeited as that will render the enlistee incapable of completing the contracted service. Should both testicles be lost, the remaining portion will be passed on to enlistee’s children.
F) If, however, the head is lost, the entire remaining portion of the bonus will be forfeited, as the enlistee will no longer be fit to complete the contracted portion of service.
G) The money is taxable.
Hosek added: “There's a risk of bringing people in with lesser attachment or commitment to the Army, adding money will, for some people, sweeten the deal enough to persuade them to enter.”
As with all contracts, it is advisable to consult an attorney before signing, however in the interest of clarity, the fine points are paraphrased as follows:
A) While termed “quick ship,” it is not quick pay. The enlistee will received $10,000 upon completing basic training and advanced individual training, with the remaining $10,000 paid out in even annual sums over the course of their initial active duty enlistment, based on the formula of one year=12 months. (Note: the term of service is extendable solely at the discretion of the army as it deems necessary.)
B) The remaining portion is reducible if the enlistee does not complete service. If said enlistee is killed in action, the remainder of the bonus is reduced by the number of months unserved, as the enlistee did not complete the contracted portion of service, as a result of death.
C) If enlistee is injured: the 10k is reduced per a formula based on “body part lost” (hereafter designated “BPL”) and terms of service (hereafter designated “TOS.”) The BPL formula breaks down as follows: the enlistee is designated as essentially a human body comprised of five major working parts: two arms, two legs, and one head. If an arm or leg is lost, diminishing enlistee by 1/5, enlistee will forfeit 20% of the outstanding bonus, collecting only 80%, further reduced by the amount of TOS unserved, based on the aforementioned BPL. Two BPL: 60%, three BPL 40%, etc… However, in the eventuality of BPL, the army will provide the appropriate prosthesis (prostheses), thus returning the enlistee in essentially the identical working condition as received.
D) Fingers and toes will be considered minor body parts (MBP), and designated as 1/10th of the abovementioned 1/5th BP, however their loss would not necessarily render the enlistee incapable of resuming service. It would be at enlistee’s discretion to continue service, therefore collecting the remaining portion of the bonus (less the per-digit percentage MBPL). If, however, enlistee decides not to continue service, the remaining portion will be reduced by the aforementioned formulae.
E) Further MBP designations include loss of eye (½ of a major working part; see also “ear,” “nostril,” and “testicle”), therefore the enlistee will only forfeit 10% of the outstanding bonus. However, if both eyes are lost (hereafter designated as “blindness”), or both ears are lost (hereafter designated as “deafness”) the entire remaining portion will be forfeited as that will render the enlistee incapable of completing the contracted service. Should both testicles be lost, the remaining portion will be passed on to enlistee’s children.
F) If, however, the head is lost, the entire remaining portion of the bonus will be forfeited, as the enlistee will no longer be fit to complete the contracted portion of service.
G) The money is taxable.
Hosek added: “There's a risk of bringing people in with lesser attachment or commitment to the Army, adding money will, for some people, sweeten the deal enough to persuade them to enter.”
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
PRESIDENTIAL LOGIC: I THINK I'VE GOT IT...
The invasion of Iraq was to remove Saddam from power because he had WMDs, evidenced by the fact that he was buying yellow cake uranium in Niger which it turns out he wasn't, but that was based on faulty intelligence from the Brits which was exposed by a guy sent there by his wife, who was a covert CIA agent, but in any case we had to send in U.S.-led coalition forces because Saddam was part of the evil doers who attacked us on 9/11, which only happened because of a failure to recognize the Al Qaeda threat on the part of George Tenet when he headed the CIA, for which he was fired and given the Medal of Freedom, and if we didn't fight them there we'd have to fight them here, and Iraq would be become a safe haven and training ground for terrorists, unlike Pakistan, which is our ally in the war on terror, and not a safe haven and training ground for terrorists, and we had to rid the world of an evil dictator who gassed his own people even though we armed him for years during his war with Iran, and then didn't remove after the Gulf War because as Cheney said at the time it would have destabilized the region and resulted in a military quagmire, which it isn't now because we finally have the level of troops in Iraq that several generals who were fired said we should have had in the first place but it's all for a good cause that history will bear out because we are witnessing the birthpangs of a democracy in the Middle East and should be thought of as liberators, so the American people should feel proud and know that, after four years of war, and despite hundreds of thousands of people dead and injured, millions displaced, and a country in ruin that there's real progress being made and, as General Petraeus will tell the nation in a neutral and unbiased report -- “the surge is working” -- and any lack of order and stability in Iraq is the fault of the Al Maliki government, which has failed to establish a coalition among people who traditionally hate and mistrust each other, so this war is not a losing effort and we shouldn't compare Iraq with Vietnam, although we should compare Iraq with Vietnam because of the consequences of a troop withdrawal which wouldn't have been necessary if the protestors and liberal media had allowed the military to go in, unencumbered by dissent, and won the damn thing outright, instead of putting the pressure on to “cut and run” from a war we had no choice but to start in the first place.
If you think about it, it's really very clear.
If you think about it, it's really very clear.
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Invasion of the White People!
Riding what they've called the "Mitt Mobile," 96 white Romneys have invaded Iowa armed with a big, white family portrait. And that scares me.
First, let's get rid of the white elephant in the room. An extended family of look-alike white people from Massachusetts, many of whom went to Harvard, who play touch football and have almost identical twilight's last gleaming white smiles? Ring any familiar bells? The Mormon Kennedys? The political Osmonds? Of course there are no war vets to hang the campaign around, no profiles in courage, 'cause according to dad, the five fightin' Romneys are saving themselves for Mitt's campaign. Somehow, electing dad to the White House has become the equivalent of military service. Now, who figured out that equation? But that's not the scary part.
It's the goodness. That perfect, wholesome white goodness. Bible and scripture on Sunday. More scripture on Monday. Touch football. Staff tennis tournament with the championship played on the family court. Now before I'm branded some sort of racist, let me be clear: I'm white. It's nothing I'm proud of. In fact, white people embarrass me. More often than not, I find them clueless, clumsy, soulless, insincere, patronizing, reeking of privilege, occasionally bordering on rude and, quite often, fat. Not just that slightly overweight fat but the take-over-the-buffet-line-with-your-doublewide-ass kind of fat. And all that fat is often accompanied by massive stupidity. That good, old-fashioned "America's a great country 'cause we've got freedom of speech, so shut your mouth and stop criticizing the government" kind of stupidity. But even that's not the scary part.
I'll admit there are some good white people. I've worked with some. I live around them. Hell, my sister even married one. And I guess they've done some good things. But I was sort of hoping that the whiter-than-white perfect family portrait as campaign poster was something we'd transcended here in the 21st century, as some diversity entered presidential politics. Not just with race, and gender, but with every other aspect of life. Multiple marriages. Family problems. A little drinking. Drug problems. Maybe the occasional DUI. Imperfect candidates seem more human. And I want a candidate who's human. A dad who's gotten a call at 8 am to bail their kid out. Someone who's gone through the hell of divorce and climbed out the other side. A mom who's maybe had a drink or two after a hard day. It makes them compassionate. Like they understand the problems regular people have and might like to solve them.
So when I see this 60's Tide commercial photograph, I'll be honest--it scares the shit out of me. Because somehow the notion of the "I'm all-white, you're all-white" candidate is still lurking out there in the minds of campaign managers, which means it's still out there in the minds of Americans. Now, it's not Mitt's fault he's white. It's not his fault he's got religion. While, personally, I think believing that, some 18 centuries after his death, Jesus reappeared in upstate New York is a litmus test for insanity, if that belief gets you through the night, then go with god. And it's sort of nice he's got a big old family. But that big old family picture looks like a throwback to an older, Wonder Bread America, and sticking it out there as a campaign poster of the perfect, Bible-reading, touch football-playing family, as if it's a reason for people to vote for you is scary. Because it doesn't make you look like a man of the people. It just makes you look like a man of the white people.
First, let's get rid of the white elephant in the room. An extended family of look-alike white people from Massachusetts, many of whom went to Harvard, who play touch football and have almost identical twilight's last gleaming white smiles? Ring any familiar bells? The Mormon Kennedys? The political Osmonds? Of course there are no war vets to hang the campaign around, no profiles in courage, 'cause according to dad, the five fightin' Romneys are saving themselves for Mitt's campaign. Somehow, electing dad to the White House has become the equivalent of military service. Now, who figured out that equation? But that's not the scary part.
It's the goodness. That perfect, wholesome white goodness. Bible and scripture on Sunday. More scripture on Monday. Touch football. Staff tennis tournament with the championship played on the family court. Now before I'm branded some sort of racist, let me be clear: I'm white. It's nothing I'm proud of. In fact, white people embarrass me. More often than not, I find them clueless, clumsy, soulless, insincere, patronizing, reeking of privilege, occasionally bordering on rude and, quite often, fat. Not just that slightly overweight fat but the take-over-the-buffet-line-with-your-doublewide-ass kind of fat. And all that fat is often accompanied by massive stupidity. That good, old-fashioned "America's a great country 'cause we've got freedom of speech, so shut your mouth and stop criticizing the government" kind of stupidity. But even that's not the scary part.
I'll admit there are some good white people. I've worked with some. I live around them. Hell, my sister even married one. And I guess they've done some good things. But I was sort of hoping that the whiter-than-white perfect family portrait as campaign poster was something we'd transcended here in the 21st century, as some diversity entered presidential politics. Not just with race, and gender, but with every other aspect of life. Multiple marriages. Family problems. A little drinking. Drug problems. Maybe the occasional DUI. Imperfect candidates seem more human. And I want a candidate who's human. A dad who's gotten a call at 8 am to bail their kid out. Someone who's gone through the hell of divorce and climbed out the other side. A mom who's maybe had a drink or two after a hard day. It makes them compassionate. Like they understand the problems regular people have and might like to solve them.
So when I see this 60's Tide commercial photograph, I'll be honest--it scares the shit out of me. Because somehow the notion of the "I'm all-white, you're all-white" candidate is still lurking out there in the minds of campaign managers, which means it's still out there in the minds of Americans. Now, it's not Mitt's fault he's white. It's not his fault he's got religion. While, personally, I think believing that, some 18 centuries after his death, Jesus reappeared in upstate New York is a litmus test for insanity, if that belief gets you through the night, then go with god. And it's sort of nice he's got a big old family. But that big old family picture looks like a throwback to an older, Wonder Bread America, and sticking it out there as a campaign poster of the perfect, Bible-reading, touch football-playing family, as if it's a reason for people to vote for you is scary. Because it doesn't make you look like a man of the people. It just makes you look like a man of the white people.
Monday, July 30, 2007
White House PTSD
So, first the President goes in for a Colonoscopy. They scope him out and remove some polyps. To quote a friend: "It's the first time in his life that he wasn't full of shit." Then Cheney goes in for a heart tune up. Or perhaps a heart implant. At least they caught it in time. Luckily, he was in a meeting when someone heard him mutter "oil can." Meanwhile, Tony Snow is back, looking as white as, well, snow, but the debilitating Chemo hasn't kept him from doing his job, as long as he follows doctor's orders by avoiding alcohol, fatty foods and answering direct quesitons.
Now, perhaps this is all just part of the natural aging process? Or perhaps, looked at symptomatically, they're a signs of a deeper problem: White House PTSD, triggered by cumulative anxiety, the result of years of flagrant, boldfaced lying. Anyone who's told just a single lie -- white or otherwise -- knows the mental acrobatics required to keep the story straight, just in the face of a skeptical friend or inquisitive co-worker. Imagine having to run a 6-year string of bullshit past the eyes of the world. Day after day. Press conference after press conference. Not to mention keeping one's poker face under the searing, armor-piercing questions of Larry King. This kind of thing would have to take a physical toll on any person of normal strength and intelligence. Who knows the effect it's having on the President and Veep. One's old and mean. The other's selfish and stupid. Just imagine the mental and physical exhaustion involved in keeping up this level of mendacity for so many years...
Compassionate Conservativism. ("They both start with "C," which Karl says is good. Like a rhyme. It makes us sound like we give a crap about poor folks, but we really don't. Neat.")
No Child Left Behind. ("Education? Right. Just call me Veto Corleone.")
Restoring integrity to the White House.
We need to privatize Social Security.
Harriet Miers would make a terrific Supreme Court justice.
The jury's still out on Evolution.
The jury's still out on Global Warming. ("Wanna see some greenhouse gasses? Pull my finger.")
We're going to git Osama. We're gonna hunt him down. ("I look tough holding this megaphone. Gives me a boner.")
I really don't think much about Osama.
Pakistan? ("Musharraf says he's not there. He went down to them caves personally and yelled out "Marco." And no one said "Polo." I think that's pretty clear.")
Saddam attacked us on 9/11.
9/11 was perpetrated by "evil doers." ("Like that scary, bony-lookin' guy in Star Wars.")
Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. Chemical, biological, and nucular.
Saddam bought yellow cake uranium tubes from Niger. ("I like yellow cake. Especially when it's got that chocolate frostin' on it. I like to lick my finger and scoop it up when no one's lookin'.")
Don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. (Sung with Cheney and Condy Rice in 3-part harmony.)
We'll be greeted as liberators.
We're fightin' a war on terror.
The war will pay for itself.
Mission Accomplished.
We didn't know about the levees.
Heck of a job, Brownie.
We're bringing Democracy to the Middle East.
Our brave fighting men and women will get the finest care in the world.
Walter Reed? ("I ain't got money to fix a hospital; I'm fightin' a war, dammit.")
I will await the findings of the 9/11 commission.
("Screw the 9/11 commission.") I don't care if everyone in the world except Laura and Barney disagree; I'm still not pulling out.
The Federal prosecutors were fired for poor job performance.
If anyone in my administration leaked a CIA agent's name, they're gone.
No one in my administration leaked the name.
Take a walk, Scooter.
Ok, someone in my administration leaked the name, but let's move on.
It's not the Congress' job to run the war.
It's not an escalation; it's a surge. ("Karl says 'surge,' is a good word. People will like it. Makes us sound tough. Like we got a boner. Everything with him lately is boners.")
I'm the decider.
General Petraeus is the decider.
I have full confidence in Alberto Gonzalez. He serves at the pleasure of me.
Harriet Miers is not testifying. (She's so short, I told her to crouch down real low so they can't find her. Can't serve her if they can't find her.)
Al Qaeda in Iraq is part of regular Al Qaeda. ("It's like a franchise. Like Dairy Queen. Don't you see? They even wear
those snow cones on their heads.")
We need Guantanemo. ("The evil doers have the secret battle plans and they ain't gonna give 'em up, voluntarily.
Waterboarding? Surfboarding? Hell, all sounds like a day at the beach to me. Still don't git how we got a base in Cuba. Maybe it's like some kind of Commie time share.")
I swear to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Exhausting. And I'm just working from memory. Imagine if the entire world had you on camera every step of the way and you're sitting there trying to remember which lie you told, when, and to whom. It would have to be exhausting. Now, maybe the President did just have a routine Colonoscopy. And maybe Cheney just took a trip to Replicant Jiffy Lube. Or maybe this is what happens when people have to juggle this many lies for so long. Eventually, it would have to grind you down, haunt your dreams, and plague your every waking moment-- like the Tell Tale Heart-- and that could manifest itself physically.
So, if the President should suddenly come down with a case of Shingles. Or if Cheney's power source should misfire and sparks start to fly out of his head, like Yul Brynner at the end of West World. Or if Karl Rove's ED should recur. Or if Alberto Gonzalez should become the victim of uncontrollable flatulence. Perhaps they're the cumulative signs of White House PTSD. As a nation at war, we can only watch...and wait...and hope.
Now, perhaps this is all just part of the natural aging process? Or perhaps, looked at symptomatically, they're a signs of a deeper problem: White House PTSD, triggered by cumulative anxiety, the result of years of flagrant, boldfaced lying. Anyone who's told just a single lie -- white or otherwise -- knows the mental acrobatics required to keep the story straight, just in the face of a skeptical friend or inquisitive co-worker. Imagine having to run a 6-year string of bullshit past the eyes of the world. Day after day. Press conference after press conference. Not to mention keeping one's poker face under the searing, armor-piercing questions of Larry King. This kind of thing would have to take a physical toll on any person of normal strength and intelligence. Who knows the effect it's having on the President and Veep. One's old and mean. The other's selfish and stupid. Just imagine the mental and physical exhaustion involved in keeping up this level of mendacity for so many years...
Compassionate Conservativism. ("They both start with "C," which Karl says is good. Like a rhyme. It makes us sound like we give a crap about poor folks, but we really don't. Neat.")
No Child Left Behind. ("Education? Right. Just call me Veto Corleone.")
Restoring integrity to the White House.
We need to privatize Social Security.
Harriet Miers would make a terrific Supreme Court justice.
The jury's still out on Evolution.
The jury's still out on Global Warming. ("Wanna see some greenhouse gasses? Pull my finger.")
We're going to git Osama. We're gonna hunt him down. ("I look tough holding this megaphone. Gives me a boner.")
I really don't think much about Osama.
Pakistan? ("Musharraf says he's not there. He went down to them caves personally and yelled out "Marco." And no one said "Polo." I think that's pretty clear.")
Saddam attacked us on 9/11.
9/11 was perpetrated by "evil doers." ("Like that scary, bony-lookin' guy in Star Wars.")
Saddam has weapons of mass destruction. Chemical, biological, and nucular.
Saddam bought yellow cake uranium tubes from Niger. ("I like yellow cake. Especially when it's got that chocolate frostin' on it. I like to lick my finger and scoop it up when no one's lookin'.")
Don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud. (Sung with Cheney and Condy Rice in 3-part harmony.)
We'll be greeted as liberators.
We're fightin' a war on terror.
The war will pay for itself.
Mission Accomplished.
We didn't know about the levees.
Heck of a job, Brownie.
We're bringing Democracy to the Middle East.
Our brave fighting men and women will get the finest care in the world.
Walter Reed? ("I ain't got money to fix a hospital; I'm fightin' a war, dammit.")
I will await the findings of the 9/11 commission.
("Screw the 9/11 commission.") I don't care if everyone in the world except Laura and Barney disagree; I'm still not pulling out.
The Federal prosecutors were fired for poor job performance.
If anyone in my administration leaked a CIA agent's name, they're gone.
No one in my administration leaked the name.
Take a walk, Scooter.
Ok, someone in my administration leaked the name, but let's move on.
It's not the Congress' job to run the war.
It's not an escalation; it's a surge. ("Karl says 'surge,' is a good word. People will like it. Makes us sound tough. Like we got a boner. Everything with him lately is boners.")
I'm the decider.
General Petraeus is the decider.
I have full confidence in Alberto Gonzalez. He serves at the pleasure of me.
Harriet Miers is not testifying. (She's so short, I told her to crouch down real low so they can't find her. Can't serve her if they can't find her.)
Al Qaeda in Iraq is part of regular Al Qaeda. ("It's like a franchise. Like Dairy Queen. Don't you see? They even wear
those snow cones on their heads.")
We need Guantanemo. ("The evil doers have the secret battle plans and they ain't gonna give 'em up, voluntarily.
Waterboarding? Surfboarding? Hell, all sounds like a day at the beach to me. Still don't git how we got a base in Cuba. Maybe it's like some kind of Commie time share.")
I swear to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Exhausting. And I'm just working from memory. Imagine if the entire world had you on camera every step of the way and you're sitting there trying to remember which lie you told, when, and to whom. It would have to be exhausting. Now, maybe the President did just have a routine Colonoscopy. And maybe Cheney just took a trip to Replicant Jiffy Lube. Or maybe this is what happens when people have to juggle this many lies for so long. Eventually, it would have to grind you down, haunt your dreams, and plague your every waking moment-- like the Tell Tale Heart-- and that could manifest itself physically.
So, if the President should suddenly come down with a case of Shingles. Or if Cheney's power source should misfire and sparks start to fly out of his head, like Yul Brynner at the end of West World. Or if Karl Rove's ED should recur. Or if Alberto Gonzalez should become the victim of uncontrollable flatulence. Perhaps they're the cumulative signs of White House PTSD. As a nation at war, we can only watch...and wait...and hope.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
UP THE PRESIDENT'S ASSHOLE
By now, all the comics at all the Improvs all over the world have exhausted their topical "the president got a Colonoscopy, they found his head up his asshole" jokes. It's just too easy. But while his doctors biopsy the polyps looking for any signs of malignancy, compassion, or intelligence, the truth is if they really looked, they would have found something else up there -- the top-secret think tank working on a name for our Iraq exit strategy. That's where the real work is being done. Out here, it's all just for show.
All the "give the surge a chance" posturing is just the White House playing for time, waiting for the marketing guys safely ensconced in the President's small intestine, to come up with a slogan. A little over 30 years ago, we couldn't withdraw from Vietnam until Nixon and company came up with "peace with honor" as a way of justifying another war that shoudn't have been fought in the first place. So, critics, be patient, we'll be out soon enough. And it won't be strongly-worded editorials in The Times, nor biting sarcasm from the Lefty blogs that will make it happen. Because this president is impervious to sarcasm and immune to facts. He safely and happily floats in the womb of the oval office, dining on the placenta of his own ignorance. There's no need to poke him with information, nor prod him with invective. Our exit strategy from Iraq is in the works. At this very moment, deep within the walls of the president's bowels, Karl Rove works round the clock to come up with a slogan that will pacify the nation by cleverly repackaging this villainy as victory, so that we can bring our brave men and women back home with parades and marching bands and waving flags, and we can all come together in that good old-fashioned American "mission accomplished" feeling, secure in the notion that it all just hasn't been a profound waste of money and human life that served no purpose other than turning up the heat and the hate in the Middle East.
So that quizzical look on the President's face while attempting to parry his way through a direct question about the war is not the product of duplicity or evasion. The truth is, he knows we're getting out. He's just waiting for Karl Rove to emerge from his asshole with a marketing hook that will be simple and direct enough for him to wrap his mind around and sell to the American public. My vote: "We Did Our Doody--Let's Go Home."
All the "give the surge a chance" posturing is just the White House playing for time, waiting for the marketing guys safely ensconced in the President's small intestine, to come up with a slogan. A little over 30 years ago, we couldn't withdraw from Vietnam until Nixon and company came up with "peace with honor" as a way of justifying another war that shoudn't have been fought in the first place. So, critics, be patient, we'll be out soon enough. And it won't be strongly-worded editorials in The Times, nor biting sarcasm from the Lefty blogs that will make it happen. Because this president is impervious to sarcasm and immune to facts. He safely and happily floats in the womb of the oval office, dining on the placenta of his own ignorance. There's no need to poke him with information, nor prod him with invective. Our exit strategy from Iraq is in the works. At this very moment, deep within the walls of the president's bowels, Karl Rove works round the clock to come up with a slogan that will pacify the nation by cleverly repackaging this villainy as victory, so that we can bring our brave men and women back home with parades and marching bands and waving flags, and we can all come together in that good old-fashioned American "mission accomplished" feeling, secure in the notion that it all just hasn't been a profound waste of money and human life that served no purpose other than turning up the heat and the hate in the Middle East.
So that quizzical look on the President's face while attempting to parry his way through a direct question about the war is not the product of duplicity or evasion. The truth is, he knows we're getting out. He's just waiting for Karl Rove to emerge from his asshole with a marketing hook that will be simple and direct enough for him to wrap his mind around and sell to the American public. My vote: "We Did Our Doody--Let's Go Home."
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
IMPEACHMENT NOW!
The only surefire way to put an end to this imperial presidency -- this unholy Bush/Cheney/Rove triumverate -- is to elect a Democrat in '08, but how many more people will have to die before that happens? The Libby fiasco is simply the latest in a continuing series of lies told by this administration, each of which clearly demonstrates the utter contempt they have for the American people. And to send Tony Snow, who now has become the personification of the cancer in the White House to host this shadow play masquerading as a press conference adds even more insult to the injuries. With his trademark smugness and non-denial denials, one wonders why the press even bothered to attend as direct questions were only met with platitudes, evasion, and talking points, while citing all the pardons Bill Clinton awarded while in office. Though I don't recall a single one of them for which the crime emanated from the administration itself.
These people lied us into a bottomless pit of a war that will not only further destabilize the Middle East but, as the recent events in London and Glasgow demonstrate, provide the emotional and intellectual justification for more terrorist attacks in the future. The alleged "war on terror," is a misnomer. More Rovian Newspeak. You cannot bomb a mindset out of existence. You have to solve the problem that creates that mindset, and that problem has been in the Middle East for half a century. We need diplomats. Statemen. Peacemakers. This is the world's problem and it will continue to metastasize until brighter minds control the world stage.
Sane voices may eventually prevail and the 2008 election may deliver a Democratic president. But will the reward for 8 years of disservice be an honorable discharge, a fat book deal for his memoirs and fund-raising effort for the George W. Bush presidential libery? Not since Nixon has an administration shown such disdain for public opinion but even Nixon was brought down, not simply by the press or public outcry, but ultimately by his own arrogance and sense of invincibility and no matter how he was tarted up in his later years, the stain of Watergate will be attached to his name forever, serving as a reminder of the punishment for the misuse and abuse of power.
This long national nightmare needs to be over. The only way to demonstrate to these people that their conduct is unworthy of holding high office is to impeach the bastards now, and whether it sticks or not, it will at least serve as a symbol of public outrage that you can't lie to all the people all of the time.
These people lied us into a bottomless pit of a war that will not only further destabilize the Middle East but, as the recent events in London and Glasgow demonstrate, provide the emotional and intellectual justification for more terrorist attacks in the future. The alleged "war on terror," is a misnomer. More Rovian Newspeak. You cannot bomb a mindset out of existence. You have to solve the problem that creates that mindset, and that problem has been in the Middle East for half a century. We need diplomats. Statemen. Peacemakers. This is the world's problem and it will continue to metastasize until brighter minds control the world stage.
Sane voices may eventually prevail and the 2008 election may deliver a Democratic president. But will the reward for 8 years of disservice be an honorable discharge, a fat book deal for his memoirs and fund-raising effort for the George W. Bush presidential libery? Not since Nixon has an administration shown such disdain for public opinion but even Nixon was brought down, not simply by the press or public outcry, but ultimately by his own arrogance and sense of invincibility and no matter how he was tarted up in his later years, the stain of Watergate will be attached to his name forever, serving as a reminder of the punishment for the misuse and abuse of power.
This long national nightmare needs to be over. The only way to demonstrate to these people that their conduct is unworthy of holding high office is to impeach the bastards now, and whether it sticks or not, it will at least serve as a symbol of public outrage that you can't lie to all the people all of the time.
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