A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND TURDS.

In all the discussions about releasing these photographs, no one has brought up the element of time. Putting aside legal arguments, why must they be released now? The nouveau deathers among us will never be placated. They'll scream they were photoshopped. They'll concoct twisted theories that tattooed on part of bin Laden's skull was a replica of the president's double-secret Kenyan birth certificate. For those who will treat his murder as a call to action, the pictures might provide temporary fuel. In time, however, their power will dissipate. As to Mr. Dershowitz's pov and the forensic information pictures of OBL'S dead body would provide, no one is on trial for the killing so why is this information relevant, other than to those who crave more information? I think a more pressing argument is whether he should have been captured and put on trial. We had Nuremberg. The Eichmann trial. Saddam's trial. The world survived. Would there have been more catharsis for the victims from a trial? Who knows? A vindication of our system of justice? Maybe. Would the trial have served as a forum for bin Laden to spew and a focal point for another terrorist attack? Very possibly. As for the pictures, I think they should be released.. . eventually . But from a purely emotional point of view, I don't care if his arms were raised in surrender or if he was shot from the front or back. I'm just glad the son of a bitch is dead. And if this operation were launched from a Bush white house instead of Obama's, shitheads like Sarah Palin would be blasting their shotguns in celebration instead of pathetically searching for some part of it to criticize, 'cause they'd rather shit a bowling ball than give credit where it's due.

HOW DID BIN LADEN HIDE IN A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD? APPARENTLY IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.

Trump Suffers From Male Palin Badness

Donald Trump has been teasing the public, implying that he's seriously considering a run for the Republican nomination. He further taunts the media with promises of a revelation on the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice. It's pathetic enough that candidates now choose talk shows to announce their intentions. Trump's now dragging the process down another notch to break the news on a reality show. But while we hold our collective breath, the question that has been in the air since he started bloviating is: is he serious? Or is he just doing this for publicity, perhaps even setting himself up for a run five years from now, when he wouldn't be facing a popular incumbent -- particularly one who's going to ride a wave of good will and increased poll numbers now that Bin Laden has been killed.

I'll give Trump one thing -- he's got people talking. And he's got the media chewing on it like a dog with a ragdoll. Still, every time he opens his mouth, I can't help wonder what he's thinking. Trump made his rep as a businessman. And if he were mulling over a run for the presidency in times of a slowly recovering economy, high gas prices, high unemployment, jobs going overseas, a growing deficit that has been firmly established as the crisis du jour by the GOP, why wouldn't he come out and establish his political identity as a sober, pragmatic, businessman? "Let's run the country like a business, etc..." We usually vote our pocketbooks. It could've gotten some traction. He could've even borrowed a page from Reagan's 1980 playbook and blown some "shining city on the hill" gratuitous patriotism up our asses. We always fall for that shit.

But no. He leads with the birther bullshit, then follows it up with incendiary rhetoric about grabbing the oil in Libya and Iraq. It doesn't take a chess player to see that this kind of talk didn't play so well in the 20th century and might just lead to more terrorist attacks by people who wouldn't have to be convinced that America has imperialistic goals in the middle east. A president has to defuse that situation, not inflame it. Then there's calling the Chinese "motherfuckers." I don't know how that expression translates into Chinese, but I'm guessing it doesn't come off as a compliment.

Then there are Trump's schoolyard taunts of the president. "He's done a terrible job." "He's a bad president." He speaks in oversimplistic sentences ending with a hyperbolic adjective. "THIS SEASON OF THE APPRENTICE WILL BE ... FANTASTIC!" "WHAT MY INVESTIGATORS ARE FINDING IS... UNBELIEVABLE." Everything is fantastic! Sensational! Unbelievable! It's Broadway marquis language. Joe McCarthy tactics. Waving papers in the air claiming they list the names of communists in the state department. And since it's now been proven to even the most dead-headed birthers that the president was born in Hawaii, when Trump claimed that what his investigators discovered was "unbelievable" he was clearly lying, since there was nothing to discover. Unless he was just playing word games and saying the revelations were unbelievable in the sense that they were not to be believed.

Then there's the more oblique language of the insults. "Word is" Obama was a terrible student. What word? From whom? This sort of vague language implies fact, but doesn't back it up or specify the source. It's the kind of thing the GOP does in their talking points. It's right down there with Fox News' "Some say..." accusations. And putting aside the racist overtones in the implication that the president couldn't possibly have earned his way into Columbia and Harvard, has anyone posed the question to Trump: Even if that were true, how do you fake your way to editor of the Harvard Law Review?

And while Trump's fully capable of dishing out insults and baseless accusations, he's incapable of handling the blowback, as demonstrated in his angry reaction to Seth Meyers' dead-on lines at the White House Correspondents dinner. He's shown his pettiness in successive feuds with Rosie O'Donnell, Cosby, DeNiro, Seinfeld, and now David Letterman. He even went after Seinfeld by holding up the "success" of The Apprentice against The Marriage Ref, forgetting momentarily that Seinfeld had another show, called Seinfeld, which will remain one of the best shows in tv history long after the flatulent stench of The Apprentice has wafted into the atmosphere. 

And for anyone who hasn't figured it out, Celebrity Apprentice is not even a TV show, it's an infomercial for whichever company decides to buy in that week. The choice of product, service or company featured in each episode is not accidental. It's a paid sponsorship. The ridiculous fights and spats -- Meatloaf going batshit on Gary Busey, LaToya Jackson spatting with Dionne Warwick -- are all misdirection so that you don't realize that you're being hit with advertising messages during the alleged programming. It's a con. With apologies to Morgan Spurlock's recent movie, it's the greatest TV show ever sold. 

The presidency requires a cool head, and solid judgment. And here is where Trump fails miserably. Hehad every opportunity to come out as a sober, experienced, pragmatic businessman. A tough negotiator. But he treated politics like an episode of The Apprentice. All bluster and bullshit. These are serious times. And serious times call for serious people. Not reality show hosts. 

Whether or not he runs, I guess only he knows. But one thing is for certain: Trump will never be president. Not necessarily because he has no political cred, but because of the idiotic way he's conducted himself on the public stage. Lies. Hype. Insults. Baseless accusations. Playing to the worst of us. Chest puffed, jaw jutted out, arrogantly looking down on his audience, then cutting off the conversation when the follow-up questions get too probing. He's all sound and fury, signifying nothing. A self-promotion machine who's in it for the cash, the fame, the adulation. His buildings are the natural extension of his personality. Garish, tasteless, and crude, with no heart, no soul, and no class. As is his hair. Deceptive. Ridiculous. Almost comically bad. Yet worn with pride by someone who thinks he can fool all the people all the time. Trump is a combover. All hype. No substance. He's Palin in pants.

TRIGONOMETRY #10: MY MOM IS A DUMB CUNT.

Palin mocks Couric over CBS exit

By: CNN Political Producer Alexander Mooney

(CNN) - As Katie Couric gets set to leave CBS News after five years in the anchor chair, it doesn't appear as if Sarah Palin will be sending any flowers. Appearing on Fox News Tuesday, Palin mocked the CBS newswoman who told People Magazine she is looking forward to a new position that will facilitate "multi-dimensional storytelling." "Yeah, and I hear that she wants to now engage in more 'multi-dimensional story telling' versus I guess just the 'straight on, read into the, that teleprompter screen story telling,'" Palin said. "More power to her. I wish her well in her - 'multi-dimensional story telling.'"

It's normal for kids to be embarrassed by their parents. They're always doing things that make us cringe, like forcing us to eat green shit, or hug grandma, who all too often smells of chicken fat. But sometimes they say things that are so mind numbingly stupid and mean that it becomes impossible to remain silent. Such is the case here. My idiot mother shows her total lack of class by reaching back almost 3 years to issue a snarky, infantile crack to Katie Couric upon her announcement that she'll be leaving the CBS evening news, as if this "failed experiment" somehow retroactively invalidates the simple, direct question she asked that my "r word" mom couldn't answer. Face it, ma. You fucked up. On camera. You got outed as an imbecile for the world to see because you couldn't ad lib a response to the straight-ahead, unloaded question: "What do you read? The fact that you're still smarting from this after all these years shows that you know how badly you fucked up and like all true imbeciles, you blame Couric instead of yourself.

Now I realize that some people may think that the word I used is harsh. Many people don't like this word. They think it should be retired from the language along with the "n" word and the "r" word. They think the word is coarse, crude, and sexist. But language exist for the purpose of describing experience. A guy who is selfish, boisterous, belligerent, and offensive is rightly referred to as a dick. Or a prick. Sometimes the coarse, crude word is what fits. It sums up personality traits in a simple, straightforward way, and to forbid its usage would be to limit our ability to communicate. Just as a guy can be dick. A woman who is petty, spiteful, selfish, mean, vindictive, snarky and belligerent is a cunt. Not a c**t. Not a "c word." Not a "see you next Tuesday." A Cunt. And my mom is a cunt. As for calling her a dumb cunt, the dumb part was just for flavor.

And, by the way, ma -- Eli's comin'. That's right. He's writing the book. Of course, he's not writing it himself. He can't write. He can barely read. Chances are if you showed him a book, he'd eat it. Give him a computer, he'd try to crack a walnut with it. But you know that this poor, dumb redneck knows shit and he's spillin' that shit to a ghostwriter as we speak. Fate's a bitch, ain't it? If this bobblehead doll hadn't knocked up your kid, he'd be picking up trash on the highway outside Wasilla. But he's got eyes, ears, a long memory, a score to settle and cash to pocket. He may be a dope, but he's no fool. Better start working on some snarky comebacks. You're gonna need them.

IS TRUMP'S HAIR HIDING THE MARK OF THE DEVIL?

Now that the president has shown his long-form birth certificate, many are asking what purpose Trump's public campaign over it has served, particularly when most sane people agree that it is and always has been a non-issue. A non-troversy. Racist swift boating from a man whose sole intent is to delegitimize this president in any way possible. It's the attack of a thousand cuts. Allege anything and everything and hope that some of it sticks. It's not prose. It's poetry. But coming from The Donald, has it been mere political grandstanding? A public introductory reach-around to the Tea Baggers? Or has there been something more sinister going on? Something... evil? Was Trump's public fornication with the birthers a distraction from a more heinous secret he's been hiding? People are saying it is. Word is that many in closed circles have been whispering for some time that Trump has been hiding his true identity in a quest for money, power and, ultimately, world domination. People are saying that Trump is the son of the Devil.


Yes, reasonable people say it's ludicrous. Idiotic. That there is no actual "devil." Or "Satan." So how could he have a son. That he's just a metaphor for the evil in men's souls. Or is this itself just a meme that has been floated into the public consciousness to distract the public from the activities of someone with an agenda of world domination? Of course, when allegations like this are imprinted on the public mindset, rational people respond by asking: where is the proof? What possible evidence could there be for such an accusation? The proof, some say, is on his head. The mark of the devil: 666.


"Absurd!" "Outrageous!" "Defamatory!" Or is it?... It's a well-known fact that the mark of the devil -- 666 -- is imprinted on the head of his spawn. This is documented in the Book of Revelations, Verse 18: "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six." 


The Bible also says that the Anti-christ will first accrue great wealth as a steppingstone to political power. But where is the proof that it applies to Trump? The proof is in the man himself. The proof... is in the hair. Trump is an egomaniac. That is well-documented. He's rich. Arrogant. Vain. He takes great pride in his appearance. However, no man with even a modicum of self-respect would orchestrate a ridiculous side-whip combover cotton candy confection like that on top of his head... Why would he go to the trouble of putting on an Armani suit when the top of his head looks like vanilla soft serve? Unless he's hiding something. Something... that would out him as the personification of evil. Something... like the mark of the devil. Trump obviously suffers from male-pattern baldness. And while baldness has been the bane of existence for men over the ages, recently the shaved head has established itself in the culture as a legitimate fashion choice. So, why hasn't he shaved his head? Or gotten hair transplants? Some say it's because he can't risk anyone seeing what has been imprinted on his head. 666. The mark of the devil. 


Still, some apologists counter that this is mere conjecture. Maybe so. But it's not the only evidence. Not by a longshot. There is something even more frightening. Trump's birthday itself. Donald John Trump was born June 14, 1946 in Queens, New York.  New York. Home of many Jews. But there's more. Look at the date itself: June 14, 1946. 6/14/46. The first number: 6. The last number: 6.  And the middle: 144. 1+4+4=9. And 9 upside-down... 6. 666. The mark of the devil. 


Yes, it's shocking. Bone chilling. Frightening. People shudder to think that someone who has accrued vast wealth, who has plastered his name all over the world on the front of garish ego palaces may be the personification of evil. Others will argue that this is idiotic. Nonsense. A cheap, cowardly attack on a man's background and character to score points in a political fight. But until it is put to rest there will never be definitive proof. And the American people need to know the true identity of someone who may attempt to become the most powerful person on the face of the Earth. 


That is why people are calling on Mr. Trump to settle this once and for all in the only way possible: By shaving his head on national television on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Shaving his head in front of live cameras in a broadcast that will be watched by, in Trump's estimation, trillions of people all over the galaxy, will put this controversy to rest once and for all and ease the minds of God-fearing Americans who need to know that a man who may run for the presidency is not the spawn of The Devil. The ball's in your court, Mr. Trump. The world is watching.  

Springtime for God

Two thousand years ago a mystic was the victim of a political assassination, which grew into a legend that not only involved his birth being the result of a magic Man in the Sky having magic sex with a virginal earth lady, but featured the kicker that 3 days after his death, he came back to life. Now, to celebrate an occurrence that has only been seen in Night of the Living Dead, his followers have parades featuring people dressed up in repulsive pastel suits and big, funny hats, after which a tall man in a bunny suit scatters colored chocolate eggs on a lawn for children to find. Not to be outdone at this time of year, Jews commemorate a time over 2000 years ago, when the magic Man in the Sky showed his love for them by sticking them in bondage in Egypt as slave laborers until such time when he thought maybe they'd taken enough shit so he concocted a plan to free them which involved an ultimatum to the Egyptian ruler, who said yes, then changed his mind and said no, so the Man in the Sky told the head Jew to slaughter a lamb and then take the blood and make an "x" over the door of every Jewish household so that his special hit man would know to "pass" them "over" on his way to slaughtering the first born son of every Egyptian household, after which the Jews ran for the border which, in this case, was the ocean, pursued by the Egyptian army, at which point the Man in the Sky made the sea part so that the Jews could run across it to freedom, and then he let the sea back in to drown their pursuers, in what was the first recorded Deus Ex Machina ending in actual history. Then, to show his true love for his people, the Man in the Sky had them roam around in the scorching hot desert for 40 years before revealing a piece of real estate he had picked out for them all along. And now, over 2000 years later, Jews celebrate by having dinner, passing a plate of disgusting foods around the table, and reading the story out loud, ignoring the fact that if the Man in the Sky loved the Jews so much why did he sell them into slavery in the first place? Or if he wanted to let his people go, why not just transport them across the ocean? Or if he wanted them to show a little effort and make a run for it, why not just give the Angel of Death the addresses of the Egyptian kids instead of going through the elaborate scheme with the lamb's blood to mark all the Jewish households? Or simply just kill all the Egyptians so that no one would run after them, at which point if the Jews felt like it, they could've just stayed put in Egypt and taken over. And if Jews were going to celebrate all that several thousand years later, why not randomly kick an Egyptian in the balls and then put on jogging outfits and run into the ocean instead of all that shit with the egg that smells like a fart and the bitter herbs?

Forrest Trump

I hesitate to draw the comparison between the two personalities, not because Trump didn't have a learning disability or goofy legs, but because Forrest Gump was nice. What the fuck is this guy's problem? You're a well-known billionaire real estate developer, and host of your own silly reality show. You have an ego and lack of compassion and introspection usually reserved for actors or middle-eastern dictators. Yet, you wake up one morning and decide "I'm going to run for president." Not because the country needs me. But because I want it. But you've never let obstacles get in your way in the past and now is no time to start. So you decide it's time to start speaking out on the issues, establish a platform, give people a sense of the direction you would take the country. So, how is it you figure that the way to show your grasp of the major problems facing the country and the world is to dive right to the bottom of the intellectual septic tank and come up with birtherism in your mouth? Not just as an aside. But as the basis for your attack as you head for the nomination. How do you figure: "this will show people that I'm not just a serious candidate, but a serious human being"? If you're so fucking smart, how do you do something so fucking stupid? If business was your area of expertise, why not make our dealings with China your sole platform? Republicans have laid out the argument that the deficit is the greatest threat to our security. Why not jump on it instead of allying yourself with a racist attack.

Now,  as to the deeper comparison: Forrest Gump had some disabilities. Yet, he took determination and a good heart and excelled. Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, then proceeded to stick it up his ass and pull out most of his opinions. Forrest was a noble soul who looked for the good in everyone. Trump is a spiteful motherfucker who enjoys publics spats. Forrest had humility. Trump's got more hot air blowing through him than a Thanksgiving Day Parade float.  Forrest was madly in love with one woman and that love sustained his faith in her despite every imaginable obstacle. Trump trades in wives like most people trade in car leases. Forrest healed those around him by putting goodness into the world. Trump builds garish, eponymous, gold-plated phalluses that blight the cityscape. Forrest thought before he spoke, and was sincere in his dealings. He was honest when he was confused, and that honesty permeated everything he did. Trump's most recent self-aggrandizing claim and presidential qualification was that he screwed Gaddafi on a real estate deal. Forrest took his humanity overseas and became a good will ambassador. Trump's POV on the world is to take over Iraq and steal the oil. Forrest had nice hair. Enough said.

On second thought: other than the fact that their last names rhyme, there is no comparison. Frankly, if Tom Hanks would take on the persona of Forrest Gump and spend 8 years in the oval office, I would happily sit back, secure in the knowledge that the country had not only a compassionate leader, but one wise enough to know his limitations. If Trump won the presidency, I would move to China.

In short: Trump's a retard.

GUMP 2016!